Am I over reacting?

[Galak]

I am mid 40’s and never been married (I’m a mum) my partner has been married before and also has kids. Been together a long time and bought a house together all is fine. DP proposed to me a while ago which was a surprise. He did know I wanted to get married but not for a wedding, I want marriage with him.

We are ok in terms of money but don’t have loads of savings, so I’ve been trying to come up with ideas for a wedding that are financially realistic. I also don’t want to have to save up for 5 years of scrimp and save for something like a wedding. I’m not really getting younger.

The part where I am worried I’m over reacting is that we cannot seem to plan our wedding without disagreeing and nothing ever getting sorted and I worry this is an omen we should not get married. We both want a small intimate wedding, I’m happy with small UK legal ceremony then a family holiday but he wants the whole huge shebang of a big exciting trip.

Whenever I suggest things, DP will come up with a suggestion at the extreme other end of the spectrum. I literally do mean I will suggest a venue within a sensible budget, and he will suggest about getting married in New Zealand, Australia or Canada.

When I question the practicality of these extreme suggestions he says maybe we could not worry about the money and do something bucket list worthy and exciting. When I question how this would actually work in reality, like the reality of trekking kids on multiple flights to the other side of the globe, or how much the flights cost or where we will get the money, he says it’s fine, we can just fly economy and do stop overs in other countries. This to me doesn’t sound very appealing, relaxing or enjoyable and then he says I am being negative and I say he is being unrealistic.

I explained to him that these extreme suggestions feel like an unrealistic fantasy (that will never happen) and he’s not interested in any of the more sensible things

He says I am not considering all the options available and it might not be as extreme or expensive as I think it is. He has said that he feels I am being unfair on him and he isn’t going to suggest anything anymore and he will just go along with what I want.

To this I said there would be no wedding if we can’t agree on anything mutually as I’m not prepared to do this, it’s meant to be something we both want

AIBU to tell him now just to let it go and stop planning anything because it’s too stressful. I would rather not get married than keep going over this. He’s all upset now as he’s taken it that I have refused to marry him!

Your best response to this is to tell him your non negotiables with his plan eg, will you be happier in a hotel instead of air bnb. If you want your wedding morning / night alone so he needs to arrange childcare. How much time can you spend away from home for this trip.
Considerations to point out to him:
Perhaps he needs to factor in an extra plane seat for your wedding dress, note any accommodations for elderly guests, etc. Will you be paying for bridal party hotel / flights / outfits, if you are having a bridal party. Then ask him to research - properly - in depth - the flights for your family, hotels, cost of venue, food, wedding planner, flowers, cake, hair and makeup if required, any legalities around marrying abroad & how to apply for that, how it will be paid for, dates it needs to be booked by, who can attend if you are having guests. Is it a deal breaker for him or you if certain family & friends won’t be able to make it owing to cost / annual leave. Potentially when he understands the scale of the operation & the work involved in this, he’ll come round to your idea of a local wedding. If may be that his last wedding was 95% planned by his ex wife & he’s seriously underestimated how stressful just a small local wedding can be, and is just assuming it’s that simple to almost ‘just show up’.

Sit down and have a proper conversation about it. Start of with realistically decided on a budget that you are both comfortable with and go with that. Make it a team endeavour.

Why cant you have a small wedding in the UK then have big exciting trip for honeymoon?

It sounds like your problems are around communication and different approaches to money. Not necessarily dealbreakers but they could be.
I would suggest that you both cost up your ideas so you can talk about them in more detail. That way he’s not being dismissed and you know what the approx financial commitment it will involve.
If he wants a trip of a lifetime for your honeymoon that’s not unreasonable but if he can’t find a way to fund it, that you both agree is reasonable, that is. It also needs to be enjoyable for you both.
You will both have to learn to compromise better. Planning a wedding is stressful even if you have a small one.

TBH, and it probably depends on how long you have been together, but if you're having such disagreements at this stage even before you are married then it wouldn't bode well for a stress free future.

Sounds very much as though your partner is all about the bling and not the simple cause of marriage. Can't really say anything other than that or advise further but if it's causing a fall out I'd say rethink your situation carefully as this is potentially the person you are spending the rest of your life with.

You need to decide together what you want and who you want there. If it's overseas who are you expecting to travel and what are you expecting to pay for.

Then when you both know the basics of what you want both to and find it. You find your at home special venue, him find something in NZ or bucket list. Both separately price it.

Then have a discussion once you know the cost.

If you really don't want to get on a plane to get married tell him that. There are fabulous bucket list stuff without travelling.

I don’t know but I might be overreacting to your post because the first impression I got was that he seems to be making excuses and you both seem to have a bit of a communication problem. I could be reading it too negatively though.

@BlueMum16 this is what I tried fo do but feels like he loses touch with reality and just responds oh don’t worry we can find the money. Yes.. where?

I’ve said what about X budget but this is what I mean he will say what if he could go to New Zealand on that budget! So I say well show me, can you? But he doesn’t show me anything

It’s not just about the money, I do not think the kids would really appreciate being in New Zealand in all honesty, what small child really wants to appreciate the landscape we would just go a long way to swim in a hotel pool.

No this is what I have said to him myself and he is very offended by the suggestion and says it’s not true

Agree with everyone. It sounds like a communication problem. You're planning a wedding and he's planning a once in a life experience that the wedding is an excuse for. Neither of you are wrong. You need to define the task at hand more. Does he want just your kids and you guys? Who do you want there?

It’s meant to be us and the kids which is the other factor this is not an adult once in a lifetime trip. I’ve explained that while I am open to something more unusual, we have to remember this is not a honeymoon it’s a family holiday and will involve 2-3 weeks of childcare plus a wedding, why make it more complicated and stressful by adding in 24 hour economy travel each way. The kids travel ok, but I wouldn’t say they are going to culturally appreciate this kind of trip

Separate the two things. A nice small wedding/elopement in the UK with your nearest and dearest, but frugal. Registry office or similar and then dinner in a pub. Then plan (and save!) for the ‘honeymoon’ - avec kids - the following year.

and he's planning a once in a life experience

Is he though? It doesn’t actually sound like he’s ‘planning’ anything; just coming out with overly complex or vague ideas with no practical or realistic ways to back them up.

Also tried this and he asked if I wanted to go to Canada

Can you not top him so he sees how ridiculous he is being? Like a skydiving wedding snorkeling wedding getting married on a boat etc

Are you protected financially btw? Just in case this is genuine reluctance to make it official

He doesn't want to get married.

You seem to think that long-distance can only be cultural travel, and as an example give going to New Zealand to look at landscapes. There's loads of options, and it certainly not a choice between landscapes and a hotel swimming pool! Honestly, you seem very rigid in your thinking. You say it's not a honeymoon, but why can't it be? He needs to rein his options in a little bit, but you need to open your mind a bit more. It's not a right or wrong situation, it's just different approaches.

I don’t want to get into debt to do this. If the kids would be happy swimming, you can go anywhere in the world. Not all trips need to be deep and meaningful, they are just getting a break from work/life and spending time together. You can do that anywhere, and putting us into debt or financial stress isn’t worth it.

I absolutely know he wants to go to NZ for a cultural experience and to see the landscape this is why he has suggested it, and why I am suggesting I don’t think it will meet his expectations. I said let’s go when we are older and child free

Plus I have been on family holidays (as they are my family) and know my own family and all they want to do is swim in a pool all day. That is what they enjoy about holidays.

This.

If he genuinely wants to get married then tell him to start planning/booking it and you just say yes, very enthusiastically, to anything he suggests. Bet he will soon find a reason not to book anything.

You absolutely shouldn't be getting into debt for this. You'll both be in your 50's and heading towards 60, with children still in education. Contrary to popular belief on here, health can be a matter of luck and either one of you might need unpaid leave/reduced hours. If things go well, you'll pensions to draw on and children old enough to appreciate 'once in a lifetime' holidays.

Exactly, are we being told that he wants the kids on your honeymoon?

Get married in the UK and go on honeymoon to NZ? Isn't that what people do? Organise the kids to be elsewhere for their honeymoon? Surely that is a time to not have a "family" holiday?

i can see his point traditional weddings are over priced and over rated it is just an expensive day out with an expensive dress and all u get at the end is an expensive piece of paper when the amount some spend on weddings could be better used to a holiday of a lifetime or towards a permanent home etc instead of pretentious invite every single person we ever met for an expensive meal so we can show off

Yes I agree I don’t want this wedding either. I’m not asking for this. It’s just us and the kids.

Tell him to sort it all out OP. After all, it was his idea to get married and his idea to go to New Zealand. He's got to come up with a truly affordable package, including the wedding (as well as finding the venue etc), and something that is realistically suitable for the kids. Put the ball firmly in his court and see what he comes up with. My guess is he'll soon back off with his tail between his legs.