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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you complain about being told to expect a cancer diagnosis when you don’t?

148 replies

BuzzyBallz · 17/10/2025 19:14

Context- I am a surgeon. My husband is a judge and we have a very busy life. Being tired is our default. However DH was remarkably more tired, we’re talking coming home from work early (at 5pm rather than 8) sleeping til 9, getting up having pizza and then going to bed again til 5.30)

I basically forced him to go to the drs and I wrote the e consult for him because I knew the medical words for things and how to get our gp to listen.

he submitted the e consult at 7.45 am on Monday, saw a gp at 10am. She did bloods and told him to Go home and rest.

On Tuesday morning he had a phone call from the GP saying he would hear from the national cancer centre near us, that he had an appointment for the following day, was told to not go alone and to expect ‘100% a diagnosis of lymphoma or leukaemia’

I never want to repeat those 24 hours, I saw his bloods and I knew that they were grossly abnormal so I could understand the importance of having him
seen by a haematologist.

We saw the haematologist and she said that he didn’t have cancer he had very serious glandular fever. The relief was indescribable. DH wants to send an email to the gp basically castigating them for telling him to expect a diagnosis of cancer when he didn’t have cancer? I feel like he would be a bit unreasonable to do that because his bloods were so abnormal I understand why they fast tracked him immediately, whereas his view is that he doesn’t have cancer and therefore could have been spared a horrible 24 hours where we thought he would need to re evaluate his entire career and life etc.

So am I being unreasonable to say I wouldn’t complain, because I understand why he was fast tracked whereas he thinks the emotional anguish they caused him was unreasonable. So who is being unreasonable?

Me- YANBU
DH- YABU

I’ll take it with grace if I’m unreasonable (promise)

OP posts:
RobertJohnsonsShoes · 17/10/2025 23:29

My dad died 2 weeks after being diagnosed with cancer.

if they had got it wrong… If we had been told wrong… what a joy that would have been.

check your privilege. Some people aren’t as lucky

AutumnDayswhen · 17/10/2025 23:30

TheSandgroper · 17/10/2025 23:05

i haven’t read all the comments but note you say you heard your DH receiving the referral phone call.

One might say that if this was the first time DH was ever have to submit to a higher power and was kicking against it, I can understand the GP pulling out her last big gun to get him to go.

I understand judges are under insane pressure, that they do take their job seriously (which is good for the rest of us) and that there is considerable money involved in a judge not tuning up.

Tell DH he is being an idiot and welcome to the real world where things don’t always go to plan.

This is what I think too, that the GP felt it was the only way to get him to take it seriously

TrousersOfTime · 17/10/2025 23:37

It sounds like the GP was just trying very hard to get him to take it seriously, given that he was being so blasé about a 24hr referral to the national cancer centre. Not ideal, and in hindsight "there is a strong possibility you have cancer" would have been more appropriate, but he got the correct answer pretty quickly and it was good news.
My previous GP surgery once texted me to tell me the (routine) blood tests I'd had the day before showed I was diabetic, and I needed to call them urgently...then promptly shut for the weekend.
I had the worst weekend ever, and when I eventually got through to them on the Monday, it transpired that the nurse practitioner had actually misread my results and I was absolutely fine!

EmeraldRoulette · 17/10/2025 23:38

I don't really want to talk more about it

So I will just say that I have been through this. It took place over about a month.

It was a truly appalling experience and it has put me off going to the doctor. They really did not have any reasonable reason for thinking in the first first place. So part of that month was invasive and unnecessary tests on several organs.

I managed to stop them from pushing for the from the most dangerous one.

One person, I told knows of similar stories and said to me "it's almost like they're disappointed when they don't find cancer".

CountryChristmas · 17/10/2025 23:42

DejaMooo · 17/10/2025 19:30

I think I probably would complain - I wouldn’t go in all guns blazing, but just to suggest maybe in future the GP not claim things to be 100% fact until a formal diagnosis is made. Yes, the referral was a giveaway, but all the GP needed to say was that the results indicated possible cancer, but more tests/a referral were needed. There was no need to tell him it was 100% going to be cancer at all.

Yes, I agree.

millymae · 17/10/2025 23:59

Complaining wouldn’t be my first thought OP, but my view might be coloured by my grandad who whilst in hospital for a minor surgical procedure was told he had lung cancer and it would be wise for him to get his affairs in order.
To cut a long story short after a few days he was told that a further X-ray had revealed no cancer and that what had been thought to be was probably just an infection that had cleared.
The thought of complaining about the upset caused entered no one’s head and grandad celebrated his good news by leaving the hospital and going straight to the garage to order a new car.
My view would be that your OH is being the unreasonable one here and that he could use his time more wisely than wasting it banging out an email complaining about the emotional anguish he was caused.

Original poster
BuzzyBallz · 18/10/2025 00:08

TheSandgroper · 17/10/2025 23:05

i haven’t read all the comments but note you say you heard your DH receiving the referral phone call.

One might say that if this was the first time DH was ever have to submit to a higher power and was kicking against it, I can understand the GP pulling out her last big gun to get him to go.

I understand judges are under insane pressure, that they do take their job seriously (which is good for the rest of us) and that there is considerable money involved in a judge not tuning up.

Tell DH he is being an idiot and welcome to the real world where things don’t always go to plan.

I think you might have hit the nail on the head here. He certainly wasn’t listening to me and only very begrudgingly went to the drs after 3 weeks of him being incredibly unwell.

OP posts:
Original poster
BuzzyBallz · 18/10/2025 00:10

Thank you all for not handing my arse to me!

I will have a chat with him tomorrow and explain my thoughts appropriately. I believe personally the GP was probably trying her absolute best to get him to attend the appointment with the Christie, so said what she did to drive home the point ? I love him to pieces but he is a stubborn twat at times.

OP posts:
ParmaVioletTea · 18/10/2025 07:39

You know that medicine is not an exact science @BuzzyBallz Of course your DH would be unreasonable to complain.

And he’s so very lucky to have been seen and diagnosed within 48 hours. I have friends who’ve waited for weeks in severe pain etc etc.

MrsToothyBitch · 18/10/2025 08:10

I'd have been livid, too and I would complain in his position. I think it's fair and appropriate to tell people something is extremely likely in line with the tests they're undergoing - which have been purposely run to check such a possibility- and to prepare for this being the outcome. Your mind goes there anyway. I think the GP should taken this tack as standard with all patients unless they advise otherwise.

I was ill and permanently exhausted after having flu as a teen. The school GP was concerned and ran blood tests explaining she had to rule out glandular fever, hepatitis and liver issues and leukaemia. She didn't push any one of those eventualities over any of the others - probably so as not to terrify us- but obviously I started to accept in my mind that I probably had leukaemia and prepared myself to hear this- it was the only way I'd have coped with being told that outcome. I think my parents felt like that, too.

It turned out my pill had poisioned my liver. I think that was probably what the GP suspected all along and the other checks were rule-outs but if she'd pushed the potential leukaemia diagnosis the way your GP did- even if that was the correctbdiagnosis, it would've been much worse waiting to hear. It's simply so frightening.

GreenFrogYellow · 18/10/2025 08:20

He’s had excellent rapid care. You know as well as anyone the stress a complaint can cause and in this situation I don’t think it’s justified, all it will do is create stress and paperwork for an already stressed and overworked fellow professional. I’d tell him to let it go.

Craftysue · 18/10/2025 08:27

My husband went through the same but unfortunately his diagnosis was cancer. I understand why you're upset but I would have been ecstatic to have had your results.

CinnamonCinnabar · 18/10/2025 08:28

If he does complain then that will push the GP not to give people a call when they are referred to the cancer centre - then someone will complain when they get an unexpected referral to the cancer centre and do have cancer! Doctors can't win with some patients. Your other half had a bit of a fright, he's angry and wants to argue about it - but complaining won't do anything except make him look like an arse.

Gwenhwyfar · 18/10/2025 08:32

Seeline · 17/10/2025 19:17

Even if the GP hadn't said anything, surely an immediate referral to a specialist cancer centre would have had the same impact?

I'd just be thanking my lucky stars that all turned out well.

Not necessarily. That could be understood as 'checking for cancer' rather than you 100% have it. Did she really say 100%?

IncessantNameChanger · 18/10/2025 08:45

The gp should have slightly changed their wording to I suspect this might be x.

I had a consultant say "one possibility is a brain tumour". It was still hell waiting for the mri. I still imagined leaving my kids motherless. But I'd have less blindsided if it was cancer when I got the results.

Complain so the go says "I suspect one possibility is x so I'm.refwring to y" because GPS can have a very close idea with blood cancer and once your referred to Y your going to know it's a real possibility. But be kind about it as the gp should never fear not being cautious. Dh would have been scared either way. No one gets a cancer referal without feeling fear.

FullBl00m · 18/10/2025 09:21

Of course he shouldn’t complain. He should rejoice that he doesn’t have cancer and rest to recover from his GF.

Letsbe · 18/10/2025 09:29

BuzzyBallz · 17/10/2025 19:14

Context- I am a surgeon. My husband is a judge and we have a very busy life. Being tired is our default. However DH was remarkably more tired, we’re talking coming home from work early (at 5pm rather than 8) sleeping til 9, getting up having pizza and then going to bed again til 5.30)

I basically forced him to go to the drs and I wrote the e consult for him because I knew the medical words for things and how to get our gp to listen.

he submitted the e consult at 7.45 am on Monday, saw a gp at 10am. She did bloods and told him to Go home and rest.

On Tuesday morning he had a phone call from the GP saying he would hear from the national cancer centre near us, that he had an appointment for the following day, was told to not go alone and to expect ‘100% a diagnosis of lymphoma or leukaemia’

I never want to repeat those 24 hours, I saw his bloods and I knew that they were grossly abnormal so I could understand the importance of having him
seen by a haematologist.

We saw the haematologist and she said that he didn’t have cancer he had very serious glandular fever. The relief was indescribable. DH wants to send an email to the gp basically castigating them for telling him to expect a diagnosis of cancer when he didn’t have cancer? I feel like he would be a bit unreasonable to do that because his bloods were so abnormal I understand why they fast tracked him immediately, whereas his view is that he doesn’t have cancer and therefore could have been spared a horrible 24 hours where we thought he would need to re evaluate his entire career and life etc.

So am I being unreasonable to say I wouldn’t complain, because I understand why he was fast tracked whereas he thinks the emotional anguish they caused him was unreasonable. So who is being unreasonable?

Me- YANBU
DH- YABU

I’ll take it with grace if I’m unreasonable (promise)

Humans are funny creatures he gets wonderful news he does not have cancer. Does he celebrate hug you all and go on a great holiday no he wants to complain. Thank God the doctor was mistaken.

PoppyFleur · 18/10/2025 10:04

BuzzyBallz · 17/10/2025 19:28

It was so difficult for me because I knew by looking at his bloods that something was hugely wrong. He was asking me questions I didn’t feel I had the right to answer because he needed to speak to a specialist. I’m a surgeon not a haematologist and it was so so hard. I feel like that 24 hours aged me greatly but I’m so beyond grateful that the GP referred appropriately and the NHS as a whole worked as it should.

Yes our GP shouldn’t have told him to expect a cancer diagnosis but I also know that he was extremely dismissive on the phone call as I was in the next room when he took it and one of the things he told her was that he had a 3 day trial starting the following day so he didnt want to go to the appointment so maybe she said it because she didn’t want him to miss the appointment?

I don’t think he should complain because he is fine and no harm done but if he’d had cancer he would have been seen obscenely quickly and I wish my patients were able to see me as fast !

Unfortunately GPs (and Drs in general) know that men minimise symptoms and are often forced by loved ones to visit GPs in the first place. They then also have a habit of delaying follow up appointments due to (sticking head in sand) being ‘too busy’ hence outcomes are often worse for men.

I have lost two friends to cancer, their symptoms were not viewed as potentially related to cancer because of their age. It was in uphill battle for both to be referred.

In DH shoes I would reflect on how dismissive he was being on the call and whether this was the driver for the GP to emphasise the urgency.

But lastly, I would urge him to make peace with this situation and explore gratitude; life isn’t infinite it’s good sometimes to be reminded of that.

Meadowfinch · 18/10/2025 10:14

hmnj · 17/10/2025 19:41

My mum received a cancer diagnosis alone because we thought it was something minor.

With hindsight, the symptom she went to the GP with was textbook cancer - obvious if you know. we didn’t. The gp did, and didn’t say anything.

I would have been with her if we’d known.

,,

BusMumsHoliday · 18/10/2025 10:19

BuzzyBallz · 18/10/2025 00:10

Thank you all for not handing my arse to me!

I will have a chat with him tomorrow and explain my thoughts appropriately. I believe personally the GP was probably trying her absolute best to get him to attend the appointment with the Christie, so said what she did to drive home the point ? I love him to pieces but he is a stubborn twat at times.

Absolutely agree with this. I can absolutely picture your DH from your posts and I think the GP knew they needed to give them a bit of a shake up to take this seriously. Ideally they would have said something like "it is very, very likely that you are seriously ill - rearranging court may be the least of your worries here". But I can't fault them for the approach.

Hope your husband is feeling better soon.

ClareBlue · 18/10/2025 10:37

I think you always have to think what you want from the complaint and the consequences of complaining. Are you sure that the very strong language was not being used because your husband was showing reluctantance to attend and it was the only way the urgency could be portrayed. Will it make the Dr less likely to do quick referral and be more cautious. Will time and resource be used in investigation. Will new processes be put in place that slow down the whole referral. It's rare complaining leads to just a quiet word and all carries on as before. Generally it results in new beaurocratic processes.

Lanzarotelady · 18/10/2025 10:41

Luna6 · 17/10/2025 19:29

I’d just be grateful you were fast tracked. I have a three month wait for an ECG.

All suspected cancers are fast tracked! An ECG will not diagnose cancer

BeHangryHam · 18/10/2025 10:54

working as a GP Secretary. I send these referrals a lot, it’s the Two Week Wait cancer pathway referral. They have to make the patient aware that they have a strong suspicion of cancer or it won’t get through.

They are supposed to explain to the patient that there are red flags for cancer but the referral is to rule that out quickly. If they don’t do that then it would have to go through the normal referral process pathway where you would probably wait months to be seen (even as an urgent)

I imagine it could have been worded better though from what you’ve said. I have been referred under the same pathway for Gynae and the GP reassured me it was just for ruling out purposes (which thankfully it was all fine).

AgentJohnson · 18/10/2025 10:55

If his GP said there was a 100% chance of cancer, then yes he should absolutely complain. Him not having cancer and only having to wait 24 hrs for a correct diagnosis is separate.

The next patient won’t be so lucky to have a wife who knows all the right buzz words and may have to wait weeks for a referral. It comes down to one thing, was your husband’s GP equipped to give the diagnosis they gave? As a medical professional, how are you ok with another professional acting outside of their capacity? Think about the next person being on the receiving end of such unprofessionalism.

WhichPage · 18/10/2025 11:04

I think when a gp is concerned enough that it could be Cancer then they are required to tell the patient that to encourage them to take it seriously and attend the next appointment promptly. Sounds like this was done a bit clumsily. Fast diagnoses and treatment targets are a big thing in the NHS as are avoiding wasted appointments where a patient doesn’t show up or prioritises something else and keeps cancelling and clearly it’s best to get diagnosed and treated quickly. Not complaint worthy imo.