Was male colleague cocky?

[DocMcMuffin]

I was running a huge event at work this week. Lots of VIP guests and months of planning went into it. I was the most senior person there and was responsible for the whole thing running smoothly.

A male colleague (several grades lower if that matters) was assisting and I asked him to help set up some of the work. He took me by the shoulders, turned me around, and said, ‘Calm down your being really scatty’. It was said in a really patronising way and I just burst into tears because I was under so much pressure. My other female colleague saw it and told him he’d spoken inappropriately to me and later on he came over and gave me a fist bump (we are both adults in a professional workplace ) and said ‘friends?’ as though I was the one who’d done something wrong, he didn’t say sorry or show any concern that he’d made me cry.

Am I overreacting to think he behaved really unprofessionally?

I mean if you were close to tears he was probably not in the wrong to tell you to calm down...

The fist bump is odd. But I don't think he should be the one to apologise here

Yes he did act unprofessionally and he was rude.

Poor you having to work with such a twat.

Well, thinking something is unlikely to be an over reaction, so probably not.

Crying probably was. Telling him to fuck off wouldn't have been.

I think he needs to keep his hands to himself.

He was very tactless but there's not much you can do about it without over-escalating and prompting scrutiny of how you (mis?)handled the event. If all had gone well there wouldn't have been any last minute rushing around - obviously this might not have been your fault, but still.

If I were you I'd try to forget it, but keep this man at a distance from now on.

Yes, because telling a stressed out person to calm down is a well known way to help them calm down….

Well you burst into tears that was unprofessional. He shouldn’t have touched you if you don’t have that kind of working relationship. Very odd if you are the senior. Bad environment. Which clearly you need to deal with as the lead person.

It was an overreach and unprofessional. He was belittling you.

There’s no merit in turning it into an issue though; hard to prove intent and it will draw attention to the fact you are rattled, which is what he wants.

Let it go but mark his card and remember he is not a friend. He’s after your job.

I agree he was deliberately goading her. Still, best to try to move on from it imo

Well one comrnt made you burst into tears so clearly you were not handling thecpressure well.

It might not be his place to do it but it he could have been just letting you know the pressure was showing.

You must have been very stressed to let a junior colleague push your buttons like that. I’m sure you would have normally just said I’m not scatty but I’d like you to do the task I’ve asked you to do, please .He doesn’t need to apologise, you need to have a frank conversation with him to inform him what is an appropriate way to speak to a colleague and that he needs to learn to be cooperative and supportive to the team especially when the stakes are high.

So stressed a simple comment had you burst into tears? You needed the reminder to calm down/refocus.

A lot wrong with this scenario.

The guy is a dick for a start. Nobody should be grabbing their colleagues and insulting them in any context never mind at an important VIP event.

No one person should be entirely responsible for the smooth running of an important event for stakeholders and VIPs. And there definitely shouldn't be just one senior person there - where were your peers and whoever you report into? It sounds an absolutely stressful and toxic situation.

This might be why you were so stressed you cried.

What made him say it in the first place?

I feel like there's part of the story missing so for now, all I can say is he was being very unreasonable to have manhandled you.

That's not on.

Understandable though if for example the OP was stressing him out too.

Thank you for those comments. It’s given me some perspective. Yes he was being unprofessional. But also yes I shouldn’t have reacted to him. And yes I was very stressed and this pushed me over the edge. I haven’t made it into a big deal but I will avoid being on future projects with him when I can as clearly we don’t work well together.

You both acted unprofessionally. I don’t think he did it to patronise you. If you burst into tears he could probably see something was wrong and made an attempt to calm you.

I think you need to consider your behaviour as well - bursting into tears isn't exactly professional and the fact you did it so easily indicates that your state of mind beforehand wasn't great. Were you acting professionally before he asked you to calm down? Or were you in fact scattered and asking for conflicting things to be done now. When I'm the most senior person in a stressful situation I have to work hard to project a state of calm and ensure I give more junior people enough time to complete their tasks even if it feels like they are moving like treacle and part of me just wants to shout and tear my hair out!

If you burst in to tears at him telling you that you needed to calm down, you probably did need to calm down and he was trying to do you a favour. No, it doesn't matter that he is a few grades below you. If you were the most senior there who else was going to point out your behaviour?

If this comment alone caused you to break down, then I'd think that there were clear indications in your behaviour beforehand that you weren't coping with the workload. It sounds like it was too much for any one to handle alone.

I'd be suspicious of the co-worker who came over afterwards to "support" you. Having worked with people, I'd think it equally likely that they discussed those impending signs together and she may have even encouraged him to say something to you. When it went badly, she smartly aligned herself with you.

He shouldn’t have touched you or told you that you were being scatty.

However, it does sound to me as if you were being unprofessional yourself. If you were so worked up and panicky that it was obvious to him that you needed to get a grip, and also you then burst into tears… that’s not good. You need to learn to cope a lot better than that. I get the impression that he was trying to make the point that you were in such a stressy/panicky state that the instructions you were giving weren’t clear.

He went about this in completely the wrong way, certainly. I’m not excusing the way he dealt with things. But you also sound like someone who actually does need to calm down as a lot of people will find you very hard to work with on events if you don’t. To run an event you need to appear calm and controlled even if you’re stressing inside. Otherwise you’ll just spread your panic to everyone else and things go tits up.

I would have probably said "No, we're colleagues, not friends - and if you don't start acting professionally, that may be temporary too."

Yes this, and i dont see how the sex of the parties is relevant

What a prat.

Apart from all other considerations, anyone knows that to say that particular phrase to someone is extremely patronising - there was a whole ad campaign years ago based on that very premise!

And someone under pressure, too. He’s an idiot.

Most women couldn't physically stop themselves from being turned around, when their shoulders are gripped by a man. That leaves you feeling powerless. He's used his physical strength to stop her in her tracks. It shouldn't be happening in the workplace. For women who've been in violent situations in the past, it can be very triggering.
After the event I would have talked it out with him and left it there. I'd also reflect on my stress levels and how I allowed them to overtake professional behaviour.