Was male colleague cocky?

[DocMcMuffin]

I was running a huge event at work this week. Lots of VIP guests and months of planning went into it. I was the most senior person there and was responsible for the whole thing running smoothly.

A male colleague (several grades lower if that matters) was assisting and I asked him to help set up some of the work. He took me by the shoulders, turned me around, and said, ‘Calm down your being really scatty’. It was said in a really patronising way and I just burst into tears because I was under so much pressure. My other female colleague saw it and told him he’d spoken inappropriately to me and later on he came over and gave me a fist bump (we are both adults in a professional workplace ) and said ‘friends?’ as though I was the one who’d done something wrong, he didn’t say sorry or show any concern that he’d made me cry.

Am I overreacting to think he behaved really unprofessionally?

For context, I run large high profile events for work too.

Yes he was unprofessional but what was going on before this happened? If you burst into tears I think you must’ve been very stressed, was something going wrong? It seems like an odd reaction if everything was in hand.

If someone did this during one of my events I think I’d simply be confused, ask why they thought that and shrug them off my shoulders.

Did you have enough support staff to be running this event? Just because I’ll lead events doesn’t mean it’s physically/mentally possible to run it alone on the day.

Sorry but I really wish you hadn’t burst out crying 😬

I think both your and his behaviour was problematic.

Presumably you did look very stressed for him to say it and for you to actually cry. He shouldn’t have touched you, but you sound as if you weren’t coping well, and then to cry, it just all sounds really unprofessional.

He wasn't entirely wrong was he? He handled it badly but at many layers above him surely delegation and stress are second nature to you? Bursting into tears isn't great at your level. Be the boss you are!

Not the best interaction from him I think with comments like this you need to know your audience
just sound well meaning but clumsily conveyed

I don’t think you can blame him for your stress and tears.

I would say that neither of you displayed perfect professional decorum in this scenario.

I don’t think this is about not working well together, but it’s good that you’ve recognised you were very stressed.

Unless something was going significantly wrong during an event the lead on it shouldn’t be this stressed, busy, plate spinning, directing staff, keeping across all elements yes, but being to the point of tears for no specific reason isn’t how running an event should make you feel.

It sounds like you needed more support on the day, event planning isn’t about doing everything yourself, it’s about delegation, ask for more support up front another time.

Thank you everyone, I’m really glad I made this thread because it’s given me a different perspective on things. There were some other things going on for me outside of work that contributed to my stress levels but I didn’t talk about that at work. I will get more support in place at future events to stop me getting so stressed again, and also have some ideas now of how I could have reacted better in the moment. Many thanks to everyone who replied, it’s been really helpful.

Just to add that maybe his fist bump was an attempt to apologise. I know a sorry would have been better. He obviously didn’t want to put his hands on you after the first upset.

Your original question Was male colleague cocky?
No, he wasn’t

I don’t think tears were unprofessional actually. Quite human given the situation. How dare he. He belittled you in a very over familiar and startling way - even if he didn’t mean to. You couldn’t have said f*ck off, or slapped his face as that would have been seen as more unprofessional. Your tears were one of the few viable outlets you had at that point as result of anger and frustration from an attack on your dignity from some impudent little upstart who was probably in nappies while you were starting your career. This on top of the stress you were dealing with organising something without proper support. Also women cry more easily than men from a biological and social conditioning standpoint. Any man who thinks that’s unprofessional can try a course of estrogen hormones and see how they fare - a lot worse than women I bet! Women are strong, we take on too much , we cope . Men are coddled by their mums and then their wives.

It’s essential you shout it while shaking them by the shoulders or it won’t work.

I don't know how to delete my comment, but I accidentally commented on the wrong thread. Sorry!

I think you’re on the wrong thread.

It doesn't sound as if he handled the situation in the best way and he should keep his hands off you. But it does sound as if you were very stressed and perhaps you were acting a bit scatty (as he put it). Perhaps take some time to reflect and think about it as constructive feedback which you need to act on, but of course it wasn't given in the best way, perhaps because he is more junior.