Strange situation at work, 25 year old junior male making jokes about pre-perimenopause..

[yikesthatwasit]

I’ve worked with this guy for a few months. He’s 25 and I’m 35. I know he has 3 big sisters but no girlfriend as far as I’m aware which I’m guessing will help set the scene slightly. Tbh I find him a bit odd, his sense of humour is a bit random, i don’t totally get it. He’s also about 5ft 4, not that I care about that but I but I have a feeling he’s got a chip on his shoulder.

So this is what happened, my other colleague can in the room and said she was hot, obviously it’s not a hot day today so he asked her why and she said “oh you don’t wanna know, perimenopause or something like that”, I joked and said “ahh il look forward to that” and that was the end of it.
Then 5 mins later, he said to me, other colleague had gone at this point “you know there’s a ‘pre-perimenopause that affects 35 plus’” and read out the symptoms from his screen, so he’d been googling it, he also knows I’m 35 because we had this chat at one point,
So I said “are you trying to find something that affects my age or something?” He laughed and said “just trying to offer advice” and I replied “not sure I need that off a 25 year old male”

So it’s pissed me off and made me feel a bit uncomfortable. My hunch is this guy has grown up with 3 big sisters, maybe been teased, he’s a short arse and he’s making it clear he feels a bit weird around women.

What do you make of it?

He's probably a bit gauche and just doesn't know what to say.

Whilst I agree with your response as his comment made you uncomfortable however, I do think there was no reason to mention his height which is irrelevant. I also don’t think he has a weird feeling about women at all, if anything the opposite.

I don’t understand why you seem offended by what he said at all tbh. And why would him being short be relevant even if you ARE offended?

Gauche is the word I was thinking of too.

Forget the peri comment. Why he thinks that women need a man's help to Google something is what you need to work on. If he comes up with anything like that again, just say "Thank you Einstein" and get on with your day.

The colleague brought up perimenopause, he was just trying to join in, don't discuss women's issues openly in the office if you don't want the office to join in. Your comments about his height are out of order, you really don't sound like a nice person to be honest. "He's 25 and short, why is he trying to engage with me?".

So you think OP should respond to banter with a nasty comment about a physical feature he’s probably very very unhappy about? If the banter was coming from a young woman with a big nose, would it be OK to tell her she could get plastic surgery? Or to tell a flat chested woman she could get implants?

Agree.
My son is 5’8”, and unlikely to get taller. He’s really upset about it. Cries about it. He’s a kind attractive lad but he thinks girls won’t like him because he’s short. I hate reading about women slagging off short men. There is literally nothing they can do about it. Yes your colleague’s banter was misplaced and silly, but criticising a physical feature someone has no control over is just plain nasty.

Well you and your female colleague instigated the convo.
Next time do it when you're gossiping in the loos

5’8” is not short!

Im asking if he's autistic as autistic people are usually very factual and don't understand social norms which is exactly what op has described. And why i told op she needs to be more understanding of others

For a man it is

Exactly this, he's just trying to join in.

I often look things up that a colleague has been talking about and say look what Ive found. It might not be anything that affects me or that I have experience about, its just part of a conversation.

Looking for offense all the time and now making jokes about his height.

I can imagine this the other way round, making jokes about something that women would be sensitive about becuase the woman concerned might be a bit clumsy socially or miss the mark. Crime of the century is it? Reason to be personal about his physical characteristics is it?

This in spades.

He said/did nothing wrong, just added on to the previous conversation.

Are you always so cunty and easily offended?

God forbid your colleagues don’t know everything about the menopause and want to understand, and share things that helped women they know?

Honestly, it was sweet and well meant. I didnt mean to come across like I didn't appreciate the effort. More that they tried, but their lack of knowledge and understanding of menopause was so far off what I could have even imagined, even if they did know women going through it.
I was thinking that maybe the OPs colleague was just trying hard to be supportive, but it could be coming across as bizarre or rude.
I was meaning that she should give him the benefit of the doubt. It sounds like he was trying to be an ally too.

He’s a “short arse” you say?

Can you try and be a little kinder?

Your description of him is considerably more offensive than anything he did. Glass houses and all that!

I'm not sure it's necessary to speculate on the psychology behind it, is there? Your colleague said something you didn't appreciate, you told him so, and he didn't repeat it. So unless this is the start of a pattern that escalates to inappropriate comments it just needs to be filed in the 'weird things that weird people at work said' folder and get on with your day.

He sounds callow, young, awkward, not trying to be offensive.

He's a young man finding his feet in a world where many his age don't bother to work.

I say- go easy on him. Your response was fine.

I wish you hadn’t mentioned his height - I hate that men get stick for being short. My dad was a tiny man.

Re pre-perimenopause - isn’t that just being an adult woman who has periods?

I hate that any woman who is hot is assumed to be menopausal. Sometimes I am just hot.

It's odd how you seem actively offended by his height. I will never understand why some women are so utterly weird about mens' heights in this way. So bizarre.

To me, it sounds like he was taking an interest in women's health issues, which is more than you can say for most men. I would guess he found out something he didnt know and mentioned it without considering that you might decide to take it as if it was a personal dig.

I suppose the burning question is: would you have taken his random comment so extremely personally if he was 6 foot 4?

YABU

He’s comfortable around women and our issues and doesn’t see a problem talking about it.

He wasn’t intentionally rude.

You on the other hand seem incredibly rude.

I'm autistic (diagnosed) and have understanding of social norms, so your blanket statement "autistic people are usually very factual and don't understand social norms" is false.

Additionally, what he said isn't factual. It's just something he parroted from his internet search so he could add his ten pence worth into a conversation.

Just because someone makes a misjudged comment that wasn't well received by one person doesn't equal autism. He's more likely to just be a bit of a twat who likes the sound of his own voice.

I can't help but see the irony in your post. You say the OP should be more understanding, but your comment about him being autistic (based on nothing) could be deemed offensive.

He sounds a bit socially awkward and trying to be involved to me - I don't think he was trying to be rude or creepy (as you've written it). If anything I'd be vaguely impressed that a man his age didn't just go 'ergh' and stop listening - the fact that he was bothered enough to look it up and talk about it is quite sweet actually.

I completely agree with everything you said.

But it was the hot woman who told him she was perimenopausal and he then looked it up to see what it was.

I am ashamed to say that as a woman I didn’t realise perimenopause existed until I was about 30.
I just assumed you got the menopause and that in itself could be bad and then I read on MN that there was something before that too!