DH is depressed in our new life

[SoCatEs]

DH and I are early 30s, we got married 2.5 years ago and a we have an 11 month old DS.
Before having DS I’d say we lived the life of many young London professionals, we lived pretty central, work drinks, days out with friends, any sports event an excuse to meet up with our friends.
A little over a year ago we left London for a small village, it seemed at the time atleast to be the logical choice. For the first few months and while DS was a newborn I’d say we were both pretty happy, obviously we missed our friends but I made a lot of new friends through baby groups and similar so quickly didn’t really miss my London friends. DH is still commuting into London 3 days a week so maintained a much closer friendship with his old friends.
DS wasn’t exactly planned, I was still on the pill and while we’d spoken about children in our future, the timeline was sped up. This has meant that we are among the first of our wider circle to have children, actually of DHs friends we are the first. DHs friends are also all a bit younger than he is at 25-29ish so probably all still a good few years off having children of their own. Obviously his friends have continued their lives as they were a year ago, work drinks, dinner parties, sports etc. DH has had to pull back from this a little, he still goes for drinks after work maybe once a fortnight but has to leave early for the train while everyone else is often out until 2-3 in the morning. A large group of his friends are going to Paris next month for the Paris masters tennis tournament and DH did want to go but considering they all went to Paris in the summer for the French Open I just didn’t feel it fair that he got a second weekend away.
DH today has told me he is depressed, that he is a social person and he finds his life really lonely right now, weekends are spent either at home or on days out with DS which he says he does enjoy but don’t fulfil his social needs. He said he just feels perpetually miserable, he works 8-5, gets home around 6:15/6:30 then it’s his job to bathe DS, we alternate putting DS down to sleep and cooking but either way by the time dinners done I just want to go to bed (DS isn’t the best sleeper and as I’m on maternity leave I do all the night time wake ups, DH does them on weekends). He said that it basically means from 9pm on he’s sat with nothing to do as I’m asleep, some nights he does go to the gym but he said he’s now lacking motivation to even do that.
I asked what it is he actually wants as the reality is we have a DS, whether we lived in Zone 2 or out in the sticks the routine would be the same. I suggested he tries to make some local friends, maybe other dads so he can take DS to the park with them on the weekend etc. but he got quite snappy and told me he didn’t need more friends, he had great friends, he just never gets to see them.
I’ve also noticed he spends a lot of time just sat on his phone, messaging his group chats, or at least that’s what he claims.
The conversation ended with him saying we should consider asking his mum to come and stay for a week and help me with DS so he can go get some space. I asked if he felt there were relationship issues too and he said “I do still love you but you go to bed so early we hardly even get to speak anymore”, I am also aware that the intimacy has declined a lot since having DS but I’m just not interested in sex really at all. He never mentioned the lack of sex and he never pushes for it but I can tell that’s bothering him too.

So I guess my question is, AIBU to think his mum coming to stay for a week so he can go get space isn’t the right solution? I hate that he is struggling but realistically this is our life now, avoiding it for a week won’t have any positive long term impact?

Has anyone else’s DH experienced this? Any advice?

I would try couple counselling and see if you can find a way to make it work.
reality is he is not invested in this village family little kid life and he wants to go back to carefree kidless without kid life.
people can write he is childish and selfish etc but no one can force him to be a father, not even the law as in this country he could leave you tomorrow and if you are not married just disappear, if you are give you half of his assets and a couple of hundreds a month on child maintenance and never see the kid anymore.
men have no legal or societal incentives to care for a wife or kids.
so the only way is to try and figure out a way for you both to be happy together. It might neve mr happen.
the father of my kids walked out when they were 7 and 9, got himself a girlfriend a Porsche and lived the life he said he had missed for 10 years. He has never been happier. His teraphist pushed him to find happiness as this is the mantra now.
kids Have loads of issue and have suffered a lot. I am struggling everyday and I do everything, work 10 hours a day and then I have kids, house etc. but he does not care and does not regret a bit his choice. Talking with a teraphist apparently majority of these types of men never regret and wonder who they did not leave wife and kids earlier.
he said if we had seen him earlier there could have been very slim chances to find a compromise that met his needs but kept the family together. It would have been me doing still the majority of childcare and him going out and having fun but it might have been less terrible for the kids as seeing a father a bit is better than having no father.
no solution here and I feel for you. The only thing I wish for my daughters if they have kids is to find a man who really wants them and is happy with the lifestyle and sacrificial cause otherwise is really really really hard.

So you didn’t really enjoyed the life you had in London and your DH did. Did you think he would enjoy country life? There is something that is not working out in your marriage. You need to invest in your relationship as well as the baby. You need to do this if you want to be a SAHM and not be away from your baby because if you divorce, you will see the baby 50% of the time and need to support yourself.

I certainly wouldn’t have anymore children with this man until he has grown up !

So what are you going to do as a single mother when your DH leaves you, your son is between homes 50/50 and you have no control who he is with 50% of the time? And you also might have to work?

@Justgorgeous

yes Op wait until you’ve ground him down until there isn’t a shred of his former self left. When he has turned into the boring, slippers in front of the telly, shell of himself OP wants him to be, THEN have more kids with him.

When every decision is made only from child’s point of view, usually parents’ relationships suffer?

Why wouldn’t you get a decent school, green spaces for DS to play in London or a nearby town with more things happening?

Having children should not feel like being imprisoned for 18 years. Move to an area which would work for all of you. Villages are difficult for social people unless they lived there all their lives and have a community.

So incredibly unreasonable my children are not my singular most important priority. I have lots of priorities including my husband. It’s harsh but your husband not being able to go away because your child shouldn’t miss out on the weekend with him is borderline controlling and delusional.

if you carry on as you are you will 100% be divorced and think you should screenshot your post to help you reflect where it went wrong.

i feel very sorry for your husband, your level of control is not ok. I see men in controlling relationships a lot and this relationship is full of red flags. As many have said, if this was the other way round, the advice would be to leave him.

To be fair to OP, she explains that her mum and dad lived this sort of lifestyle and didn’t divorce. So her tolerance of what is a healthy relationship is going to be based on that. I don’t think she realises that her life view is a bit different than most people and that divorce could very well happen for her even if it didn’t for her parents.

Well I feel sorry for him. He's just a meal ticket for the OP's perfect life.

I've no time for this "oh I can't bear to let anyone else look after my baby, because I'm a proper mother" judgemental crap. I'm paraphrasing obviously but that's coming through loud and clear.

Not disagreeing with that. Just with the poster who said "that's her problem, he wanted an abortion"

It's not. Stop making the op feel like she's wrong when she says she doesn't want to leave her 11 month old child. You leave your kid as often as you like.

I definitely don’t believe the baby was unplanned. OP has her life exactly as she wants it.

I agree, conveniently gets pregnant a few months after she got married. How perfect.

I had a friend like you OP. Her (ex) partner is now married to someone else. From all she told me at the time of how she was behaving, I wasn't surprised. You remind me a lot of her. Remember this child you cant bear to be away from will be away from you if you and his dad split. You'll have no choice.

Why did you move to a village? Sounds like you were pretty happy where you were? I get needing to move a bit further out but seems a bit extreme!

Of course it is, especially when your husband is literally telling her that they spend no time together at all.

Marriages need work, especially when kids are added into the mix. OP can't expect her relationship to survive if she puts zero effort into it.

I really wonder what goes through people’s heads when they write comments like this - you’ve got no idea and it’s a really nasty thing to say. But you know that.

I’m sorry but I’m going to be really blunt here.
you need to start taking some of this advice on board otherwise in either a few weeks or months down the line you will be posting again asking about divorces.
You seem to idolise the the upbringing you had and want to recreate that, but you need to understand that your husband isn’t the same type of person you are or who your parents are and times are now very different!
You will both certainly benefit from some marriage counselling and probably separate therapy aswell.
You need to learn to compromise and start taking your husbands feelings into consideration because from reading all your replies you are very ‘me me me’.
Would it really of been the end of the world if your husband went to France again, your son ‘missing out on one weekend’ really would not of mattered in the grand scheme of things as there is many other weekends and night he can see his dad.
At the end of the day it’s not just your life, your husband is entitled to live his life the way he wants and not have every aspect of his life dictated to by you. You forced him into parenthood when he wasn’t ready, you didn’t like his job, you don’t like his friends you can’t continue to isolate him otherwise it’s going to back on you spectacularly!!

Yes you love your son, and rightly so but you don’t have to completely loose yourselves . You’re allowed to enjoy other things in life!

It sounds like you are so ill matched
you’ve traded a central London lifestyle for a village life, and your aspirations inspired by a very cosseted family life must be dull as dishwater to your husband -

If I were him I wouldn't want to have any more children with the OP. He's clearly just a meal ticket for her.

You probably need to prepare for the end of your marriage, it seems inevitable.
Whilst you say that doesn't particularly bother you, the practical aspect likely will. You will need to put your child into childcare as you will need to go back to work when the marriage ends. This may be sooner rather than later from what you have described. You don't seem to care about your husband's feelings beyond wanting him to submit to your way of doing things.

Your parents were older, they had likely lived their lives by the time you were born and were content to live in a small world by then. I don't think it's particularly healthy to completely sacrifice ourselves for our children. They need to develop their own sense of self as they grow and become independent. They learn to do this effectively by seeing us live a full life.

What will you do when your child grows up after you've sacrificed your marriage and your career, what will be left for you? You are also teaching him that his feelings, ambitions and wants as an adult man are unimportant by dismissing those of his father. Would you be happy if your son completely abandoned everything that was important to him and lived in abject misery in future just because he was a father. Would you expect him to have no relationship with his wife after children and feel that was ok?

If you want more children that may have to be with a different father and you will be navigating the blended family dynamic and impact on your son.

I think your childhood has coloured your views and put you at odds with your DH.
Your childhood wasn’t an average childhood, my parents went out for dinner occasionally and we had relatives baby sit. I definitely remember my Mum going on holiday with a sister and my Dad staying at home.
I make sure I catch up with friends once a month for dinner, drinks or a music venue. I’m a busy working Mum to three, but I’m still me and I think it’s healthy for children to spend time apart from their parents.
Your outlook is a little odd I think if I were in your DH shoes I’d be depressed too. As I said earlier he sounds like he’s struggling and has already changed so much of his life to fit in with your expectations, you’re being totally unfair…

I haven't rtft but read all your replies OP.

When you say 'we' made a decision to move, was it you pushing the issue and him agreeing? I'm not trying to be harsh but I wonder if your DH is feeling like he's given up a lot for a life he didn't want because what you want has taken precedence. Maybe he wasn't ready for a child as you say he did mention abortion initally and probably wasn't ready to move to a village and all that village life entails. Was it a mutual choice for you to stay home for 3 years (I assume this means you are or will be relying on his wages to pay all the household expenses?) That could be another pressure if it wasn't something discussed before having a child. While he obviously chose to go along with it (and he needs to take responsibility for that) it might just be too many compromises for him. Have you made any compromises for him?

While having a child does mean making changes and some sacrifices, it doesn't mean you should be miserable. To me is sounds like an incompatibility, as your happy with life (you've gotten everything you wanted) while he's not and honestly seems like you don't care too much that he's unhappy. You have a particular idea of how family life should be, and your DH's happiness doesn't fit into the picture seemingly. The reason you gave for him not going away for a 2nd weekend away is that your DC shouldn't be without their dad for a 2nd weekend, but at their age surely they won't notice or care? That to me isn't a legitimate reason for him not to go. You don't want to he away from DC and you expect DH to follow suit.

This.

OP seems to have found a nice earner for a partner(with friends she didn't really like) when she was living in the city (which she didn't really like) and has conveniently got pregnant which means she needed to move them away to a small village and not work any more.

That has lumbered the DH with being the sole breadwinner, with a hideous commute and no intimacy with his partner who goes to bed at 9am.

I feel really sorry for him.

Time, grace, patience? The baby is young and being a new mum is hard isn't? Or does it all have to be sorted out by th op as soon as he expresses discontent?