DH is depressed in our new life

[SoCatEs]

DH and I are early 30s, we got married 2.5 years ago and a we have an 11 month old DS.
Before having DS I’d say we lived the life of many young London professionals, we lived pretty central, work drinks, days out with friends, any sports event an excuse to meet up with our friends.
A little over a year ago we left London for a small village, it seemed at the time atleast to be the logical choice. For the first few months and while DS was a newborn I’d say we were both pretty happy, obviously we missed our friends but I made a lot of new friends through baby groups and similar so quickly didn’t really miss my London friends. DH is still commuting into London 3 days a week so maintained a much closer friendship with his old friends.
DS wasn’t exactly planned, I was still on the pill and while we’d spoken about children in our future, the timeline was sped up. This has meant that we are among the first of our wider circle to have children, actually of DHs friends we are the first. DHs friends are also all a bit younger than he is at 25-29ish so probably all still a good few years off having children of their own. Obviously his friends have continued their lives as they were a year ago, work drinks, dinner parties, sports etc. DH has had to pull back from this a little, he still goes for drinks after work maybe once a fortnight but has to leave early for the train while everyone else is often out until 2-3 in the morning. A large group of his friends are going to Paris next month for the Paris masters tennis tournament and DH did want to go but considering they all went to Paris in the summer for the French Open I just didn’t feel it fair that he got a second weekend away.
DH today has told me he is depressed, that he is a social person and he finds his life really lonely right now, weekends are spent either at home or on days out with DS which he says he does enjoy but don’t fulfil his social needs. He said he just feels perpetually miserable, he works 8-5, gets home around 6:15/6:30 then it’s his job to bathe DS, we alternate putting DS down to sleep and cooking but either way by the time dinners done I just want to go to bed (DS isn’t the best sleeper and as I’m on maternity leave I do all the night time wake ups, DH does them on weekends). He said that it basically means from 9pm on he’s sat with nothing to do as I’m asleep, some nights he does go to the gym but he said he’s now lacking motivation to even do that.
I asked what it is he actually wants as the reality is we have a DS, whether we lived in Zone 2 or out in the sticks the routine would be the same. I suggested he tries to make some local friends, maybe other dads so he can take DS to the park with them on the weekend etc. but he got quite snappy and told me he didn’t need more friends, he had great friends, he just never gets to see them.
I’ve also noticed he spends a lot of time just sat on his phone, messaging his group chats, or at least that’s what he claims.
The conversation ended with him saying we should consider asking his mum to come and stay for a week and help me with DS so he can go get some space. I asked if he felt there were relationship issues too and he said “I do still love you but you go to bed so early we hardly even get to speak anymore”, I am also aware that the intimacy has declined a lot since having DS but I’m just not interested in sex really at all. He never mentioned the lack of sex and he never pushes for it but I can tell that’s bothering him too.

So I guess my question is, AIBU to think his mum coming to stay for a week so he can go get space isn’t the right solution? I hate that he is struggling but realistically this is our life now, avoiding it for a week won’t have any positive long term impact?

Has anyone else’s DH experienced this? Any advice?

I'd consider not posting any more, OP, because every time you do it just makes it worse.

Giving up all friends and all social life for ever isn't a synonym for "committing to your child fully". In what way is this man who financially supports you, pulls his weight around the house, cares for his son and enjoys spending time with his son not committing fully?

"Every decision made should have a positive impact on your child". What, such as refusing to take action about what, in your own words, sounds like a very shaky relationship because of your refusal to compromise, thus increasing the likelihood of divorce?

I grew up in an English village. My parents were never in bed by 9pm. My parents went out some evenings. My parents went away without us. So, your impression of what was standard is erroneous.

Your husband is not your dad. You are not your mother. And, didn't you say that your husband's family is a lot more supportive than your own? So, where's your parents' "fully commitment" to their child now?

Your husband is as entitled to his views on how to manage his family life as you are yours. You chose not to do anything outside the home. But having the odd night out with friends is not a crime (even if those friends are "international" and "cosmopolitan" and, gasp, foreign.) Having a rare weekend away with friends is not a crime. Being unhappy because you refuse to spend any meaningful time with him is a rational response. And your refusing to compromise on anything at all is a hiding to nowhere.

You sound, tbh, self-centred, insular, young for your age and inversely snobbish. You're not being asked to spend all your time with these friends you don't like. He's not asking to spend all his time, or very much time, with them. Why on earth are you trying to control every element of the life of a man whose money you're happy to live on but for whom you actually appear to care little?

I think that is just you. Raising children as the centre piece of your life to the exclusion of a fulfilling relationship with your spouse creates spoilt little brats who get everything they want.

Children are an addition to your family. You should still actively be having one on one time with your husband and nuturing your personal relationship. Life for him sounds utterly shit at the moment. He commutes, works, comes home, does kid stuff and whammo wife abandons him at 9 pm. Sounds like there is zero adult conversation and connecting - and no I don't mean sex, I mean the pleasantries of adult relationships. Talking, cuddling on the couch, doing things together that aren't child centric. And to top it off, you feel entitled to forbid him to go away for the weekend as he should be spending it, not with you, but with the baby.

I could not live a baby centric life. I totally understand why he cannot either. A balanced life is essential and that includes doing adult things, not just child activities.

Also, OP, if you have some friends over while he is away, you will have something to talk about when he gets back. You'll be able to tell him your friends' news and he'll be able to tell you about the trip.

New experiences ! Conversation ! Something to stay up for.

I heard something yesterday that ties in with what you said… Some men want a wife and children, however, they don’t want to be a husband or father.

I agree. As a young adult, I feel people who grew up in London had so many opportunities that I wish I had!

Couldn’t imagine having the entire world on my doorstep during my entire life, that can propel you in life in certain ways. I’d say where I grew up, there were little things on offer especially if you’re interested in the arts/music. If you didn’t like the “in” things, there was nothing for you whereas there’s something for everyone in London.

plus it’s obviously more affordable living with parents in London whilst you save for a deposit etc. being able to do that in London is an absolute luxury.

I’m more on the children slot in side. I feel sorry for your DH, when he’s used to having an active social life, men need their friends too, especially if he’s a very social person

He sounds like my son, who has a very close group of friends he met in university. He and DIL are mid 30’s and have 2 children. One difference is the friends are married and DIL has slotted into the circle, she did so before anyone was married.

They visit the friends and friends come to their house.

Could you ask friends to visit?

I really don't hold out too much hope for your marriage.
You both have different views of the world and seem totally incompatible for a life together bringing up children.
Imo your rules around your child and your views of the world are too rigid. You sound obsessed with your child and your marriage is suffering. Your husband sounds so lonely.

The saddest thing is I’d that the OP dosent realise that her young healthy wealthy husband would be a great catch for a lot of women.

it will take one to show him a tiny bit of affection and he will be thinking fuck this im
mot staying around in bed at 9pm and playing with my own dick while the OP is live the old fashioned good life

he will back living in London with a new partner who isn’t as selfish quicker than you can get to the local park

Living in a village doesn't mean no social life! Dh and i chose to move out of london to a village when we started our family. But its because we have hobbies & social habits that are fulfilled here - playing golf, local choir & music groups tennis & cycling. We do social things with other adults without the DC (or each other sometimes). It is a calmer way of life but we still have lots of friends and social time!! I take a week night art group, DH has a sport one night, i go to a gym class on a saturday morning while DH takes the kids to tennis. We both see friends for drinks, dinner, local theatre or music.

I think op you've maneuvered it to attain your dream life. You have everything the way you like it: the baby, the village life, the new mum friends, the replication of your own childhood & you're expecting him to just slot into your vision (in fact your parents life)

I think he is expected to fund OP's plan. More as a silent partner though, rather than one with his own opinions and preferences...

This. She has everything she wants. So she should sympathize a bit and give him a bit of what she wants.
i am very surprised that cracks didn’t show before this, you both seem very different personalities and not necessarily suited to each other. Or maybe he would have been suited to this life, but when he was 10 years older!

Too many changes at once, op.

I wouldn't have moved esp with unplanned pregnancy.

Would you comsider moving back to london even for say 3 years to let you both find your feet

YABU. Your husband works 9 hour shifts, he comes home and provides childcare (bathing), he spends days off with your son (and I assume you). He provides for his family. He's a prominent father figure in his son's life. If he needs some support from a parent, then I think it's for the best. He is depressed. He needs some time to clear his head to be the best husband and father. He is in a situation where his mother can help fulfil his part of the parenting duties.

I also think he should have been able to go to Paris for the autumn event with his friends. He works long hours to provide for his family, cares for his son after a 9 hour shift, devotes many days off for family time. He should be able to have a weekend away every so often, just as you should. I am confident that you wouldn't appreciate your husband trying to stop you seeing your friendship circle. It's important to have people to talk to outside of the family unit, to vent and talk openly.

You both need to broker a deal where it's agreed that you both should have time away from the family, within reason and without compromising the standard of parenting that should be provided. Your husband may need some support with his mental health and his feelings of isolation. There is a charity called Andy's Man Club, they have a website that should be findable on a search engine. They help men who are struggling with their mental health and provide a safe space for them to talk openly with other men about how they're feeling. Setting clear outlines of expectations going forward would benefit your relationship with your husband. You need to establish your needs and so does he with his needs. It sounds as though you are both willing to do your shares of the family duties, you just need more communication with each other.

I think you may be the same age but you are at different life stages mentally.

You are ready to settle down, be a family and socialise with other families with similar aged kids or stay in. There is nothing wrong with wanting that and I think people criticising you for wanting that are being unfair.
But your DH is not mentally at that life stage yet. And that is your problem.

There are only two options - compromise or end the marriage.
And I think, as most of the changes that have happened have suited you, you will be the one who will have to compromise the most.
The first step is to work on leaving your baby for longer lengths of time so you can have a babysitter & you can spend quality time with your husband. That is on you - you are the only one who can make that happen.

Yeah I think he actually sounds like a decent guy, as in he tried to do the right thing and hasn’t outright been awful like many threads here discussing relationships.

If I was giving advice to my brother/male friend in OP’s husband’s shoes, I’d wonder if they would consider leaving the relationship and if they have realised their worth so to speak.

We were always quite different even when we lived in London, I never really liked the city lifestyle and I never really liked his friends as it felt like they always had to have something happening, dinner parties, nights out, sporting events, theatre shows it was relentless

It doesn't sound like you were particularly compatible to begin with.

We had Dd when l was 42 and Dh was 47.

He was out all the time. I was often out. Dd was left with babysitters and dmil from 5 months old.

She survived.

No disrespect but this sounds really abnormal. You are doing yourself and your kid no favours by being so co-dependent on each other and that’s before we get to the fact you are letting your marriage go down the plug hole. DH will be spending this week on his own figuring out if he misses you or not. I’d be expecting him not to come back home - I’d have a long hard think if I were you how you will cope as a single mum with no income

where will you live who will pay your bills and so on so forth.

@SoCatEs do you plan on being so insular as your son becomes older ?

not sure if you have addressed this , but why aren’t you interested in sex anymore ?

A sexless marriage will create many issues x

He’s married and has a baby. That’s not particularly appealing to young, cosmopolitan, child-free women. At late 20s/early 30s, the pool is plenty deep to find a man who doesn’t have more baggage than Heathrow.

His head could be turned, no doubt, but let’s not kid ourselves that’s he a ‘catch’ and women are throwing themselves at him left, right and centre.

‘He needs to learn to be happy’ just isn’t how life works though is it lol.

I’d be fairly miserable too with his life to be fair!!
work with a long ass commute and every evening spent alone in front of the tv wistfully looking at his old life via Instagram?

there’s lots of small tweaks you could make OP. If you wont consider leaving baby with a relative for now could you allocate one night a week where you don’t go to bed at 9? Maybe a Friday or Saturday when he’s doing the night wakings and you know you can sleep in. Have a nice meal and a chat.

he really does sound lonely and I’m not sure he’s as much of a twat as some people are suggesting. Maybe some of the savings could be used so he can cut down his hours and you go back a few days a week.

Your idea of normal family life is absolutely mad and I don’t believe you think it’s standard English and the only reason your DH wants a social life is the influence of foreigners. I was brought up in the 70s by parents born in the 1940s and 1920s. They were not young parents and I am not a young women now. They both went out routinely on Saturday nights together, dad almost always went out on Fridays, dad had his hobby night on Thursdays , and mum played her sport on Saturdays or Sundays (winter only). Mum had a night out without dad maybe twice a month with “the girls” - usually a week night. We had sleepovers at our grandparents a lot, but also with the neighbours. They didn’t go on holiday without us - that wasn’t normal then but there was the occasional night away - mum with her sport team and dad to visit family or to see his navy pals. I would feel like an absolute bell-end if my mum and dad had given up all their friends, hobbies, and social life because it might possibly not be a positive experience. I actually really loved staying at granny’s, we were very close, and I enjoyed being taken to mums games and I liked Thursday nights because we ate in front of the tv when dad was out and it felt special. I also liked that they didn’t split up and I didn’t have to drag my stuff between 2 houses and not have Christmas and birthdays with them both. It’s also nice now that I’m in my 50s and mum in her 80s that she still has “the girls” and her sports team and her pub mates from Saturday nights as her support network. Neither they, or I now I’m a parent have ever gone to bed at 9pm, although one of my siblings is a lark and favours very early nights. My childhood was great because nobody was in insufferable martyr, not despite it.

You have sex, you risk a baby. Suggesting an abortion doesn't mean the baby should have less impact on your life once it's here.

You need to meet him in the middle.

What do you think the outcome of his week alone is going to be? Because I think he’s going to taste his old life again and not want to return to his current one.

Fundamentally it sounds like you don’t trust him. You say you both have mixed friendship groups but you don’t like him going out with his in case… what, exactly? You imply he’s doing something on his phone other than messaging his friends. You married this man. You need to trust him because at the moment you’re (consciously or otherwise) acting to control him. I feel sorry for him, I’d be depressed in that situation too, and I say that as someone with babies who needed to be held in a dark room all evening!

Only you know whether you’re anxious (afraid to leave the baby with MIL for an hour?), controlling or ambivalent about his feelings and state of mind in your pursuit of replicating your parents’ (quite frankly isolating-sounding) life. But you need to act accordingly. You say divorce doesn’t bother you but you do realise he’ll have your baby overnight in that situation?

There’ll be a sad irony in being forced to have time away from your son when avoiding that very thing becomes the catalyst for it.

Well no wonder he feels depressed, you don't seem to care what he needs at all. Yes kids come first but that doesn't mean that you stop everything else, especially since you only have one child it's not like you can't manage while he goes out occasionally.