Parents let me stay with paedophile grandparents

[Helpmeout99]

I 44(f) found out that my dads parents were paedophiles and sexually abused him and his brother as young children. My dad became an alcoholic when he retired from his stressful job early and it was when drunk that he told me what they had done. My mum only found out when i was a teenager.
My dad died several years ago and I have a trickly relationship with my mum who has a lot of narcissistic tendencies and is an eternal victim with life being so much harder for her than anyone else.
what i struggle with is that I was sent to stay with my grandparents every summer for a week from a young age, i cannot remember if anything happened. When i tried to discuss this with my mum she said she didnt know and wouldnt have sent me if she had known, but when I pointed out that she never even asked if anything happened she just looked perplexed and we have never spoken of it since.
I believe my dad was in denial and that he threw himself into work and that it eventually led to him becoming an alcoholic and having mental health issues.
Am I being unreasonable feeling troubled by this? All i can think is that I would go to the ends of the earth to protect my children but my dad pretended it never happened and my mum seems so focused on herself that she is wholly untroubled by the fsct I was sent to stay with paedophiles!!

OP, it's possible your father thought that it was only him, and it was his fault. Abuse can really mess with people.

No she doesn't, you're being extremely unfair. A post with a title 'trigger warning, paedophiles' is going to be just as triggering for anyone who has been through that trauma.

I absolutely agree my dad was blocking it out and he had lots of counselling etc in rehabs and was a good man who was very troubled.
my mum found out approx ten years before i did but never approached me to see if anything ever happened ehich is what I maybe struggle with.

I think youre being unfair

I'm a victim and dont expect to see a tw where the title is sufficient.

People can be triggered by anything, grief, SA, cancer etc...we can't cover everything. Its our responsibility to deal with it.

OP, nothing you have said on here is wrong and your title didn’t need a trigger warning.

It sounds a bit like you are blaming your mum for something that may not even have happened.
She was probably just trying her best to hold life together, like most parents are all the time. She didn't know so how can you hold her responsible?
When you say she didn't ask, do you mean when the abuse towards your dad came to light? That is a bit odd.
Given that the abuse was towards two boys and you are female and can't remember if anything happened I think it quite likely that there is nothing to remember, but therapy could help you to uncover it if you think that would be of benefit to you.
People are flawed and do not always behave the way we might expect.

OP, some people have been downright nasty to you. Most of us empathise with you, so please don't be discouraged. It's an incredibly complicated thing to navigate.

OP my mum didn’t protect me at all as a child or as a teenager and I was left with all sorts of people, some of them abused me. She knew about this but blocked it out in her own view of reality (and a lot of booze).

By making me the problem it made her feel alot better about it all. People do all sorts of things so as not to really look at themselves properly. Certainly as well as someone who has worked with children in a variety of different ways, I think it would kill her to do so.

The only thing we can change is ourselves and try to make sure we don't pass on that deep wounding to our kids.

OK this makes more sense, that she didn’t ask you once she knew is strange.

But she sounds deeply troubled herself. Unsurprisingly, because there is a reason people choose to spend their lives with traumatised alcoholics and it’s typically not because they are mentally well and very happy.

Depending on how old she is, CSA wasn’t really spoken about either. You all pretended it wasn’t happening and hoped for the best.

Hopefully, all the troll posts will be gone soon.

OP, I read that it's actually not uncommon for victims of childhood abuse to internalise their experiences and believe that the abuse was personal to them or caused by something they did. So whilst it's obvious to any adult outside the situation that the perpetrator is solely to blame for the abuse and is a potential threat to all children, some victims struggle to see that, even once they grow up.

I remember reading about a mum who was shocked and horrified to learn that her father had abused her daughter (his grand-daughter) when babysitting her. He had abused the mum herself when she was a child, but for some reason she never imagined he might do the same to her daughter. Perhaps your dad thought the same?

its possible your mum didn’t ask you even after she knew because she didn’t want to even consider it or upset you. She also probably seriously beat herself up over putting you in that position.