Parents let me stay with paedophile grandparents

[Helpmeout99]

I 44(f) found out that my dads parents were paedophiles and sexually abused him and his brother as young children. My dad became an alcoholic when he retired from his stressful job early and it was when drunk that he told me what they had done. My mum only found out when i was a teenager.
My dad died several years ago and I have a trickly relationship with my mum who has a lot of narcissistic tendencies and is an eternal victim with life being so much harder for her than anyone else.
what i struggle with is that I was sent to stay with my grandparents every summer for a week from a young age, i cannot remember if anything happened. When i tried to discuss this with my mum she said she didnt know and wouldnt have sent me if she had known, but when I pointed out that she never even asked if anything happened she just looked perplexed and we have never spoken of it since.
I believe my dad was in denial and that he threw himself into work and that it eventually led to him becoming an alcoholic and having mental health issues.
Am I being unreasonable feeling troubled by this? All i can think is that I would go to the ends of the earth to protect my children but my dad pretended it never happened and my mum seems so focused on herself that she is wholly untroubled by the fsct I was sent to stay with paedophiles!!

She didn’t know and I guess as nothing did happen nothing to be gained by pushing her .. she can’t change the past. The issue is with your father who knew what they were like but I’ve seen it so many times reported .. abused kids having contact with their parents and then their kids in turn go on to be abused .. denial .. the belief that they wouldn’t do it again .. I don’t understand it but it seems v common when trials come to court

The title was a big giveaway, no?

I think the title explains clearly enough for anyone who doesn’t want to read due to it being a trigger for them…

oh so I am not to ask a valid question about my life on a forum designed for such a purpose incase somebody reads something they know will trigger them by the title on said post? You are clearly triggered so please move on to stop inflicting further distress on yourself.

What a bizarre thing to say?

If your mum didn’t know, how was she supposed to ask if « anything happened »? I mean, you do not normally ask your child whether grandma and grandma did anything strange unless you have suspicions, in which case you don’t send your kids to spend a week there.

I do think it’s weird that now, eqipped with this info, your mum seems totally untroubled. That might be guilt closing her down.

What an awful state of affairs… I can understand you’re troubled… blâme your dad, if anyone, though he also paid a heavy price.

Why are you blaming your mum?

I thought trigger warnings were now deemed to be at best useless and worse more likely to inflict emotional distress on people.

OP, I’m very sorry you went through that. I have a tricky self absorbed mum as well and as my child ages I find myself regularly going WTF when I remember what she exposed me to at the same age. Therapy is very helpful!

FFS a trigger warning isn’t required. Personal attacks are frowned upon though.

OP your mum didn’t know and your dad was in the FOG and denial of abuse. You could see a therapist to pick it apart but just doing some reading on how abuse affects adult survivors might help you understand your dad.

If people have a problem with the thread title take it up with MN instead of stressing the OP out even further

Wouldn’t ’trigger warning paedophiles’ be equally as triggering? ‘Trigger warning’ with no context is useless, it could be about baby loss or a stabbing or emotional abuse or or or …. ?

Your time would be much better spent asking MN to amend the title than berating the OP. You need to drop this now.

That is awful OP. Your parents clearly weren't/aren't able to be good parents. I would step away from your mum and focus on the family you have made. Perhaps get some therapy if you think that would help. What an awful situation to be sent into, I assume your dad thought only male children were at risk - but still, who would send their child to people like that anyway?

It’s not the OP’s responsibility to protect people from being triggered on an online forum. If somebody is easily triggered by certain topics they need to either go to therapy or stay off online forums where such topics may be discussed.

OP you're getting a pretty unfair bashing imo
Your title is clear and not overly graphic
People who are triggered don't need to click on the thread...

Sorry this happened to you, I don't think your mum should have known to ask if you were being abused?
This is all your GPs fault, and partly your dad's fault for you exposing you to it.

She could be more connected to you by apologising about it all, now though.

Hope you are able to process this all somehow.

It sounds like your mum didn’t know? So I don’t know why she would have asked if anything happened? I very much doubt she’s untroubled.

Your dad absolutely should have had counselling and not allowed you to spend time alone with abusers. He was possibly blocking it out/pretending (even to himself) that it didn’t happen.

@NorthXNorthWest, what you said to the OP is one of the vilest things I've ever seen posted here.

OP ignore the trigger warning police. Unfortunately on forums such as mumsnet the whole tone of the thread is set by the first couple of replies so you probably won't get any decent advice, just people bit picking and arguing over trigger warnings. Id namechange and try again in a couple of days. I hope you get some decent advice and support

Are you even real?