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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be resentful of MIL taking away all my early moments

32 replies

Diy322 · 17/10/2025 13:12

She never left me or my kids alone when they were born. She would just walk into our home with spare key 3/4/5 times a day. I never felt relaxed. Even doing skin to skin as recommended by midwife I felt unable to do incase she walked in and I would feel awkward her looking at me.

With breastfeeding she would try to get involved - she would start adjusting my baby , moving my breast around! Also Telling me I was doing it wrong. She never breastfed btw. She told me no one did in her days. I was expected to put up with her as DH made it all sound normal mil behaviour and she was entitled to enter her son’s home anytime she wanted

I just hate the way she wrecked my precious bonding time and maternity leave twice. My kids are 5 and 11 now but I still can’t get over it. I find myself crying about her on some days. I don’t have a relationship with her anymore. DH takes kids every Sunday on his own. I feel really guilty sometimes as she’s getting on in age and I should help out but then I have to keep reminding myself why. I feel I can’t let myself forget as I will be drawn back in again.

OP posts:
Grecianrainbow · 17/10/2025 13:20

In the kindest possible way, YABU to let her have this much of an effect on you. I completely understand how you feel she’s ruined your DC early bonding /experiences and with a DH who didn’t stand up for you that must have been really hard. But you do need to draw a line about letting her live rent free in your head and continue to affect you now.

I certainly wouldn’t be letting her play happy families without me. And the every Sunday would be knocked on the head- start going every so often. Or book things for you DH and the DC to do so you can’t go every weekend. You can’t change the past but you can change the future. (I have an over emotional MIL who cried at the drop of a hat - but I will not be manipulated and my DH has seen what she is like now instead of rolling over to keep the peace). Distance also helps.

ComfortFoodCafe · 17/10/2025 13:22

You dont have contact with her now, kindly you need to let it go and stop letting it take over your life.

KitsyWitsy · 17/10/2025 13:22

You let her walk all over you then. You were vulnerable and your DH wasn't helpful but you don't have to keep letting it happen. You are entitled to have boundaries. Enforce them.

LoveWine123 · 17/10/2025 13:22

She's ruined your early motherhood experience...why are you letting her continue to ruin it for you. Get therapy if you need to, put some boundaries and move on with your life.

PumpkinPieAlibi · 17/10/2025 13:23

It's understandable that you felt intruded and imposed on OP but YABU to let this fill your headspace for so long. It is only bringing you angst and making you unhappy; it doesn't impact her.

And if you have to keep reminding yourself of slights to keep your anger going, that sounds like you don't want to move on nor does it sound good for your mental health.

Life is just too short.

IndiaAutumn · 17/10/2025 13:25

If it’s still affecting you so much a decade later, this might be something to talk about with a therapist.

CatsorDogsrule · 17/10/2025 13:27

"I was expected to put up with her as DH made it all sound normal mil behaviour and she was entitled to enter her son’s home anytime she wanted"

This was the crux of the problem to me. It should have been nipped in the bud at the beginning, as it was not normal MIL behaviour.

I can see that it's easier for you to blame her than your husband though.

Hopefully you can move past it.

Tiswa · 17/10/2025 13:29

Every Sunday? Why?

I think you have a DH problem and you can’t get over it because it is still happening

Lanzarotelady · 17/10/2025 13:30

With due respect, you allowed it to happen not once but twice and now you're are still allowing her to live in your head.

Ruined bonding and maternity leave, come on - leave the histrionics out.

Only one person can change your mindset OP and that is you!

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 17/10/2025 13:31

Is there a cultural issue that might explain why your DH thinks this is Ok, or why you felt you had to put up with it?

Sorry if this sounds snarky but it sounds so odd to me.

PixieandMe · 17/10/2025 13:35

'With breastfeeding she would try to get involved - she would start adjusting my baby , moving my breast around!'

My God, I would have slapped her however I am guessing that you were encouraged to think that was somehow a normal thing to be doing. As a new mother you were very vulnerable.

I think, OP, that you have probably already tried to put this behind you (and obviously that is very good advise) but it is not that easy as you are posting on here for advise. I think you might have to go a bit further and forgive yourself for not standing up for yourself and also truly acknowledging the fact that you were, as a new mother, very vulnerable. I am not usually woo but maybe try a little ceremony or some kind of cleansing activity to wash this feeling of (I am guessing, violation?) off you. As others have suggested, maybe counselling or something like boxing or running to get the anger out.

YOU did absolutely NOTHING wrong. And I imagine that your husband was just persuaded by his mum that all of this was normal, he grew up with it and didn't understand that it was inappropriate.

You need to be enjoying this precious time with your children without this guilt. They are at really fun ages now. I hope you can find some things that work.

Didimum · 17/10/2025 13:37

I think you need to get over the word 'ruined'. You didn't like it, you found it overbearing. Your language use isn't helping you let it go and you really need to.

CookieCrumbleCrumbs · 17/10/2025 13:38

@Diy322 My MIL did this when my little one was young, I managed to take about a year on and off with her and I have not seen or spoken to her in the last 2 years. And that's the way it will stay because in those 2 years she has not made an ounce of effort to see our DD. Not even a text!

I don't dwell on this. I don't think about it at all. I took my control back as early as I could and I will not regret my decision. You should try the same. She didn't take anything from you - you are now allowing her that power and so many years on too. You still raised your kids, she couldnt have been there 24/7 so you had some time to yourself. We all have the idea we will nurse and play and grow with our children in a way we think it should be, it doesn't always work out the way you think. Be grateful you're rid of her and focus on the future. Enjoy your Sundays off! 👍

JadziaD · 17/10/2025 14:02

I would recommend therapy because I see two issues here:
1 your resentment towards your MIL which, many years later, is not helpful or productive and is negatively impacting your life
2 the liklihood that you also have unresolved resentment towards your DH that probably is still happening and that might be playin gout in different ways that you're not able to see or articulate.

TeddySchnauzer · 17/10/2025 14:04

She fondled your breast?!?!?! WTF?! Why didn’t you stand up and order her out of the house immediately?!?!

Okiedokie123 · 17/10/2025 14:07

Her behaviour was /is awful. But you are allowing her free rental space in your head. You need to find some peace with the urgh (maybe by focusing on what a great mum you are, how fabulous your kids are) and fill that space with marvellous stuff instead. x

GreyCloudsLooming · 17/10/2025 14:07

You need some therapy, I think.

JustReacher · 17/10/2025 14:08

GreyCloudsLooming · 17/10/2025 14:07

You need some therapy, I think.

100% this.

Fabulously · 17/10/2025 14:10

to be honest you are partly to blame here. The first time she overstepped and behaved inappropriately you should have taken action. I’m not sure why you let her adjust your breast, I would have asked her to leave the room. Plus I’m not sure what good really comes from dwelling on this some 5 or 11 years later.

diddl · 17/10/2025 14:16

So you told your husband that you couldn't relax, couldn't do skin to skin & that she touched your breasts & he told you that this was normal?

He sounds horrible.

CatHairEveryWhereNow · 17/10/2025 14:26

I have some bitterness when family massively overstepped - and that it took DH a while to see the problems and get onboard though he did fairly quickly.

I did push back a lot and we got to an okay place with everyone but it did feel like we had to learn how to be parents have other stuff happen and also had to learn how to mange wider family.

I also avoided the see kids without Mum situation as much as possible - wasn't being pushed out of my kids lives or giving poor behavior a reward of what they wanted. I also refused to let them undemine me or DH with kids - kids learnt what we said went not other relatives.

Some of the behavior was just batshit - and relatives involved like to pretend it never happened though they were being egged on by others.

I tend to only think about it when they do something now though - like have to visit our anniversay weekend so we can't do anything despite it being rare time we actually could - or last time we went away for DH big brithday first time in years - ring every day and want to talk for hours and try and cause issue with left teens.

WFHforevermore · 17/10/2025 15:00

Tiswa · 17/10/2025 13:29

Every Sunday? Why?

I think you have a DH problem and you can’t get over it because it is still happening

Whats wrong the dad and grandkids going over there every Sunday?

WFHforevermore · 17/10/2025 15:01

Why didnt you stand up for yrself at time? Or at least with the second child?

You need to move on. You dont have to see her, let it go for your own sanity.

Shatteredallthetimelately · 17/10/2025 15:10

You're wasting your life and giving your MIL to much head space, yes she definitely over stepped the mark but you're the one that's still letting her get to you.

As others have said maybe seek therapy, but only if you're finally going to let this go otherwise it's a waste of yours and the therapists time.

That doesn't mean letting her back in to your life but moving on with yours, this must be affecting your DC even if you can't see it.

Ohwhatfuckeryitistoride · 17/10/2025 15:41

And you stayed with this mummy's boy. He enabled this shit. He's still doing it.

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