Weird Mother Rant

[Finetoday]

INotBU= You know what she’s like let it wash over you.
IABU = She’s a nasty horrible crow and I can vent all I want

I am a single parent with a grown up SEN DD. We respite Foster. My mother HATES us doing this. She hates calling at my house seeing a child there. She hates that we have nice times together.

This week has been foster care appreciation day - we were invited for a sit down dinner with drinks. We won a nice award for years of service - nothing fancy, but flowers so I was made up,
Mother literally sneered at them when I showed her.
This morning DD received a parcel in the post from them so I sent my mother a photo (it was an edible thing with a card). I sent my mum a photo because it was so nice,

Her reply - ‘don’t you ever stop showing off - She (DD) doesn’t even do anything’

I sent her a photo of the card where they thanked her for opening her home and her heart - she’s now cancelled coming for dinner tonight (at my house with me cooking), and said she’ll walk her own dog (the reason for invite as I’m walking her dog while she’s not well).

I genuinely don’t show off - I won employee of the month last week and passed a really hard exam but wouldn’t tell her either of those things 🙈 I just thought their acknowledgement of DD was really nice.

She also asked what the homeless vulnerable children do for DD but that’s another story !

Thought I’d feel better after a rant but I don’t ☹️ Vote some sense into me so it doesn’t ruin my good mood 🙈

I’m sorry op, but she’s horrible. You need to ignore everything she says. Easier said than done of course because she’s your mum, but she sounds so nasty. If you gave the courage, start telling her “actually mum, that’s very hurtful. I’m going to ignore you now because I just don’t understand why you would say such hurtful stuff”. Maybe start when she’s making vile comments about others as that’s less personal. Say something like “gosh mum, do you realise how mean /cranky you now sound? What’s up with the snarky vile comments?”'

The way you have set your voting up is confusing YANBU should mean that your mum is horrible and you are not unreasonable to rant about her .
I doubt anyone would disagree x

She sounds unhinged, bitter and controlling.

Its a great credit to you that you've become such a balanced and kind person, given your parenting. I take my hat off to you.

I don't really understand why you bother with her, though. It sounds like you're still seeking her approval, even though you know you're not going to get it. I would be looking to go low or even no contact with her.

She is being horrible OP but I wonder what made you show her the awards, knowing how she’d respond.

Because they were specifically for DD - her only granddaughter - who literally never gets awards x

No experience of this with my mum but my dads mum my nanna was like this - about 3 years ago I went no contact - the straw that broke the camels back was when my dad told her my son was being assessed for ADHD and her words were “there’s nothing wrong with him he just needs a good slap” haven’t bothered with her since and I feel no loss, nothing, because even as an old lady she’s still an arsehole. Always has been and will be till the day she dies !! Some people never change and that’s fine :) what matters is recognising this and not letting them steal or diminish your happiness or achievements xx

Mmm but you also showed her your flowers knowing she attacks you about fostering… perhaps it would be easier to completely stop mentioning the fostering and warn her not to come round when a child is with you because she objects so strongly.

Look - she’s obviously awful. So why do you put yourself through all of this?

No one sane would have anything to do with her, would they?

I have two SEN children and would not expose them to a hateful relative, grandmother or otherwise.

"Aren't you glad to have such a caring daughter? I mean, you might need care one day."

Your mother is extremely rude and unkind.

What a wonderful thing you do and how lovely to have your and your DD's kindness recognised.

I can't understand her attitude. Why can she not be proud of you.

Honestly I'd keep her at a distance if I was you. Let her keep her misery to herself. I can't see how she benefits your lives in any way just trying to bring you down.

And well done for being employee of the month. It's right and perfectly ok to be proud of yourself and your achievements. People who actually care about you would also be proud.

I wonder whether your Mum was never praised as or told whether her parents were ever proud of her.
Or, maybe she is jealous or feels threatened by your caring.
I doubt you'll ever find out.
Try not to take her comments and actions to heart. Carry on as you are. Your DD will have a whole lot of wonderful memories.

Why are you running after her when you know what she’s like. She’s repeatedly shown you how she feels, yet you keep going to her and getting the same reaction over and over?

I don't really know !

I’m clearly seeking her approval at 45 years of age despite realising I won’t get it from my own achievements !
I thought this might do it 🙈

I admire what you are doing. You welcome the less fortunate into your home and thus give them an opportunity to experience a loving home. Your DD is very lucky to have such a wonderful Mum. Keep up the good work. If you were my daughter I would be shouting from the tree tops how proud I am of you.

My own mum could be like this. I felt it wasn’t really about the achievement, but more about having something going on in my life that wasn’t about her. It’s fine to have your other things going on in your life but unfortunately some parents don’t like it when their adult children do so try to put a dampener on it (or even sabotage it).

Awful woman. Can’t you just tell her to eff off? I would.

It sounds to me as if she resents you doing anything that isn’t focused on her. Horrible woman.

Maybe stifle your impulses going forward @Finetoday .
Don't pop your head above your castle walls so she can't take shots at you.
It will feel unatural at first but in time you will feel so much more free and light as you won't be trying to unravel the 'why' did she act like that, inside your head.

The next time you think 'ooh I'll tell mum', give yourself a hard mental pinch. Tell yourself you won't hand her the ammunition to shoot you down.

You are doing a wonderful job, now take time and effort to be good to yourself.

I think you may be onto something with the link to the loss of your sister and your DM's anger towards other adult daughters however, your own situation is the one you can directly deal with and I think "ring-fencing" a lot of your life is wise move - just don't let her into the bits she'll be negative about. So "no visits this week Mum, we have a foster child here, know you hate that" , no mentions of it. It won't change your DM but it will hopefully help protect you and your emotions.

There was a thread a while back about a DM mocking what her adult DD was doing bringing up her little one, in particular making home made treats. Very sad - it seems some people just cannot feel joy at how well their DC are doing - perhaps particularly their DDs?

OP, you and your DD make a very important contribution to these children’s lives and you both deserve credit and recognition for fostering. Don’t let her diminish that.

I think your mum needs a new dogwalker

@Finetoday you are doing a fantastic thing by fostering. I take my hat off to you 💐

I agree that you should stop sharing things with your mum. She sounds bitter and resentful of you. I simply can't understand her attitude. I am incredibly proud of my daughter who has had to deal with several issues in life yet managed to overcome them and develop resilience.

Work out why you need to keep sharing stuff with your Mum when you know she's going to dismiss the stuff you're sharing.

It makes zero sense to share with someone who you know is going to make you unhappy

Shes never going to change

I agree with so many here,

first and foremost, you are a phenomenal human being; you’re a tower of strength for your dd, championing her achievements when you know they’re so hard for her. Brava!

and then there’s the fostering. Wow! That’s amazing and such a wonderful thing to do for those kids who really need it. You’re an inspiration and I am so glad that you’re being supported and recognised by the community. You deserve it.

wrt your mother (and take this from someone with similar issues) you’re going to have to reconcile that you don’t have the mother you need her to be. She’s never going to celebrate you or tell you she’s proud of you

your dd is an extension of you, so if she can shit all over your dd’s achievements, it’s specifically to get to you.

I’ve had this, hurting my Ds to hurt me. It’s the worst thing ever. For me this was the last straw.

you need to draw a line, back off from her and focus on those in your life who make you feel happy and loved.

it’s never going to be her.

you may be right about the whys, but that’s what SHE needs to work on, but she won’t. Protect yourself and your family

So now you know that no achievement will ever be good enough for your toxic mother and you can now go no contact with a clear conscience, knowing that you are protecting not only your own sanity and wellbeing but that of your DD.