Destination Weddings

[carolesn]

My eldest son is 29, he is getting married next year and obviously we are over the moon. I hate flying, he is fully aware of this. But he and his partner have decided they are getting married in Italy. DS is British, his partner is Swiss-Italian and they live in France. Now I know this journey is technically doable by train, which is what we will end up doing but I can’t help but feel they have made quite a selfish choice to get married in the south of Italy (her family are all from the far north of Italy/swiss border region so it’s not as though it’s her wanting to get married at home). They have also complained that people seem unhappy to pay for the flights but at the end of the way, there is a cost of living crisis!
They are keeping the wedding pretty small, not loads of people and mainly close friends, all guests are invited to the whole day. None the less I can’t help but feel it’s quite selfish to choose a wedding location that is difficult for almost everyone to get to. Considering our family are all in the UK, hers in Switzerland/North Italy and their friends in France with them, I can’t really understand why they wouldn’t just get married in France as a happy middle ground.

AIBU to think this is quite selfish?

Sorry I can't help but feel you're the selfish one. Weddings are hard enough work without your mother yapping at you.

It's their wedding, they can hold it where they want and hopefully you'll support them in that

It's their wedding day, it's one of those time s they're allowed to be selfish and have the day they want. Can you do one of those fear of flying courses to get over it?

Destination weddings are so self indulgent. It's so selfish to expect people to use so much holiday allowance and money to attend.

his partner is Swiss-Italian

So wouldn't be surprised by a wedding in Italy.

It’s going to involve a flight for some guests wherever they hold it, and they’ve picked somewhere they like. I think this is one of those occasions where you just have to suck up a destination wedding, it was never going to be a 30 minute drive to somewhere nearby you when they live abroad and her family are from elsewhere.

It’s their wedding, they can do what they like. What they can’t do is start moaning if guests choose to decline the invitation

Completely agree OP.

Its one thing to want to get married somewhere beautiful abroad. Its quite another to moan that people aren't happy to pay to attend.

They can have their wedding where they want but ought not to be surprised if people choose not to attend due to the cost and/or time involved. It’s selfish to expect others to pay £lots to attend your wedding.

That said, your fear of flying is your problem, not his.

My daughter was getting Married in Las Vegas Desert then Covid hit thankfully 😂 she landed up getting married at Loch Lomond outside but if it was inside we were all to wear face masks. Scotland 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 to Las Vegas how were we to get her dress on the plane ✈️. I would go whatever way is fastest cause you will regret it . But at the end of the day it’s their choice

It’s their wedding, their choice and I say that as someone who’s someone who travelled to the other side of the world for their son’s wedding.

You'll be told yabu but I think it is crap of them.

We planned our wedding prioritising / with our most important guests comfort in mind.
We checked availability of all our family as it was important to us they attend... family in general is important to us.

Yes...Your wedding, your rules .. but I think its thoughtless of them

And if my mother had a phobia of flying this certainly wouldnt be the wedding destination I'd select....

Wtaf Italy is not hard for most people to get to just you and your fear of flying.

the trains you get will be beautiful and scenic it’ll be a wonderful experience. Go with the flow or don’t go at all and never see him again as doubt he would forgive his own mother not attending!

I agree - invited to one in Italy - do not want to spend 3 days with a load of people we dont know other than groom and his parents in very hot weather in suits and dresses etc
the groom's father is very ill not terminal but very weak - hey ho - it is the bride's choice
pfffffffffffffff

“Selfish” seems a harsh way to describe putting yourself first on your wedding day.

Expecting them to accommodate your particular preferences, particularly if they are paying, is selfish.

I would be very careful not to impact your relationship with your son and DIL over this. It will be hard to recover if you don’t see them often.

Are you paying for this wedding?

They're entitled to have it wherever they want; guests are entitled to refuse the invitation (the earlier the better for a destination wedding). More difficult for you as the mother of the groom, but it's hardly "selfish" to not center your fear of flying in their wedding planning!

No we aren’t paying, they are paying for it mostly themselves with some help from her family.
I know no one is obligated to go, but if you don’t care about your loved ones being there (which is what having a destination wedding suggests to me) why bother having a wedding in the first place, they could do something much smaller and less expensive if they don’t actually care about celebrating with the people they love!

You can get to Italy by train, I've done it.

Its more expensive and it will take longer, but it's totally an option, but it's not like this is the other side of the world.

Where would you expect their wedding to be? They’re an international family, surely you wouldn’t expect them to be married in the UK when they don’t live there and his partner doesn’t have any connection to the UK? I don’t see the issue myself. Whilst I understand you don’t like flying, that’s your issue not theirs.

People need to realise that wedding invites are not a court summons, if you don’t fancy it, don’t go!

The bride and groom aren’t selfish for getting married abroad because it’s their vows, nobody else’s.

We had a ‘destination’ wedding in a place that genuinely meant a lot to us as a couple. I’m forever grateful for the 52 people who came under absolutely no duress. Those that didn’t come, no problem at all! But, we were getting married in that place regardless. We had a blast, it meant everything to us, and I would not change a single thing!

Why bother having a wedding if your loved ones aren't there? I don't think that's the prevailing attitude to weddings of people your DS's/future DIL's age.

They could indeed do something smaller and less expensive, but they clearly don't want to. They obviously want to get married in southern Italy. To them, their wedding is about them, not about their loved ones. Not the way I see weddings but clearly the way the bride and groom do. It is what it is. This isn't a question of reasonableness, really. It's a question of being individuals concerned with themselves, versus a family-centric bridge and groom.

I had three weddings in total (in the dark ages), for all my and DH's loved ones who are scattered around the globe. We went to them rather than ask them to come to us! I would have been very content with slipping off to the registry office in my lunch hour!

Yabvu. Col has nothing to do with this, you've said yourself you just hate flying.

Omg, seen your update that her family are paying most of the costs - obviously that's why it's nearer to them!

But then you would have still had to go to Northern Italy or France. It’s going to be a destination wedding regardless.

The couple probably thought that since everyone is going to have to travel anyway they might as well have it somewhere they really like instead of having it in Calais because one person doesn’t like flying.

I think destination weddings are selfish but considering the bride is Swiss Italian it’s not unreasonable to have the wedding in Italy.

I had a breakdown down a few years ago. Going away from home is a trigger now and being surrounded by a lot of people is one too it’s just too peopley.
When my daughter told me she and her fiancé were going to get married in Italy, my heart sank. Going to that wedding was going to turn me into a basket case. My husband and I talked it through at length. I decided that not going to the wedding was not an option. It’s my only child. So we thought what could we do to limit the effect on me.
Firstly we went slightly earlier than the other wedding party so I had time to decompress before I was surrounded by people. And secondly we stayed elsewhere. The majority of the wedding party were staying at an all inclusive resort , which was my idea of absolute hell so we rented a villa nearby. I found the day both hard and beautiful but not going was never an option.