To stick up for my friends daughters in blended family situations?

[SteveTheDog]

Inspired after reading another thread about OPs niece refusing to go to a wedding if her dads girlfriends daughter was attending.

I have a friend currently going through a similar situation and it led to a bit of a heated discussion between us.

My male friend Chris was with his wife Laura for 20 years and married 15.
They have two children who are 16 and 14 both girls.
Sadly the relationship broke down and they agreed to separate 2 years ago, Laura still loved Chris but they had started arguing constantly and originally it was supposed to be a temporary situation but then Chris met Sophie through work 7 months later.

Chris and Laura are both 42, Sophie is 30 with a daughter of 12, Bella.
Bella has never met her dad and Sophie raised her completely alone.

Chris insisted for a long time that he and Sophie were just friends but eventually admitted they had started seeing each other and they moved in together just over a year ago.

Chris moved into Sophie’s small 3 bed house meaning there isn’t much space. Bella has her own reasonable sized room but his daughters now have to share a box room with bunk beds. Before Chris moved in with Sophie he had a large 3 bed flat with both girls having their own rooms when they stayed at his house.

Laura also has a boyfriend who has kids, a boy and a girl of 5 and 7 but she hadn’t introduced them to her girls.

Now Chris’s daughters hate visiting him, they don’t get on with Bella who winds them up constantly but Sophie refuses not to believe it, she comes across as a sweet girl but I do believe she’s said some of the things that the girls have accused her of. She also goes into their room and helps herself to their possessions, has accidentally “lost” or “broken” things and is very possessive over Chris. If his daughters try to talk to him or have any of his attention then Bella find a reason so the focus is on her.

I am still friends with Laura as well so I hear things from her and I know Laura has tried hard to encourage good relations between everyone for the sake of of the kids and tried to encourage them to get on with Bella so I think this is likely to be true. I know she doesn’t agree with how Chris is trying to force the situation but never says anything negative to her daughters or shows how painful this must have been for her especially seeing her daughters unhappy.

Chris is consistently trying to push all the kids together and doesn’t seem to spend any time alone with his girls, he invites Bella and Sophie to all extended family events and refuses to go if they don’t.
Recently there has been a similar situation to the thread I referenced with the wedding where his girls don’t want Bella and Sophie to go and have refused to go this time if they are invited.

There is a family bonfire night get together that’s a tradition with fireworks, a bonfire, food and drinks and Laura was invited and attended after she had split with Chris and was invited this year.

I know Laura isn’t planning on going and suggested to Chris that he just go on his own with their daughters as the rest of the family would prefer that as well.

This has caused a huge row and Chris asked me my opinion, he said Sophie is putting a huge amount of pressure on him to be invited and he doesn’t want to upset her.

I gave him some home truths saying he was trying too hard to force the blended family and needed to slow things down. I said he needed to spend time alone with his daughters and show them they matter and I thought a good way of showing this would be to go to the bonfire party alone with them. He is trying to hard to keep Sophie happy and part of this seems to be being a father to Bella, it’s not fair on his own daughters and if a woman was doing this she’d be accused of putting dick before her kids and slated for it.

I read the other thread to him as an example of what happens when kids resent blended family situations.

Chris said as most of the comments were saying that the nieces in the OP were unkind and bullies that this actually proved that Sophie and Bella should be invited to the family party and his daughters should be more accepting.

I just wanted some opinions and I can maybe show him the thread later. I also thought it’d be interesting to see if the people who were adamant the girls were mean unpleasant bullies in the previous OP would have thought the same now they have heard the other side of a similar story and realise it’s not as black and white.

I have name changed for this and I have no connection with the previous thread. I just felt a bit annoyed for the girls being called bullies, bitches and brats knowing it’s not ever that simple when kids are forced into living or family situations with people they didn’t choose or even like and watching their father raise another child full time.

Chris is a crap father and I think it’s a matter of time before the girls refuse to even go to his new home.

He has completely prioritised his new relationship bulky prioritising his dick overlooking the sibling jealousy issues in order to keep things peaceful with the new partner. The kids aren’t really siblings but Chris seems to have forgotten that his girls came first and if this relationship ends, he’ll never see his “stepdaughter” again. His children should be his priority but he’s prioritising a child who isn’t very nice to his kids. He needs to at least get a lock on their bedroom door to keep their stuff safe and punish his “stepdaughter” for breaking stuff on purpose. Are these broken things replaced or fixed?

I am not saying that he shouldn’t date but of course the girls are going to be pissed off at the possessive “stepsister” who has their dad to herself when they aren’t there as well as the less comfortable living circumstances. If he was thinking about his dd then he’d live apart from Sophie when the girls are visiting so that they can feel more secure about their relationship with their dad. You can’t force blending and the older kids are, the less likely that it will be successful IME. The success stories involve space like separate houses and the adults thinking of all the kids and not just their own. Prioritising Bella like they have been will bite Chris in the arse big time at a later date.

As for the party, some events should be Chris and Sophie while others should be Chris and the girls. Bella can accompany him if the Chris and Sophie events are suitable.

Chris needs to accept that his girls don’t want to blend. They should respect his relationship with Sophie but it’s ok that they see Bella as someone random who lives with their dad. Bella’s mum needs to deal with the possessiveness and jealousy and Chris needs to help create some space between the girls so that the teens can relax. Maybe Sophie can do one on one things with Bella when Chris sees his girls?

Chris is a shit dad. He put he want to sleep with Sophie over actually providing a home and spending time with his daughters.

Now his playing daddy to surprise surprise a fatherless child and treating her better than his own children.

Then he will be all shocked when they do vote with their feet and don’t visit.

Men mostly again and again prioritise the children of the women they sleep with dna or not. Wherever their dick goes apparently is where they loyalty lay towards which children get a good father.

I think it’s quite common for men to behave like this with stepchildren when they make a new family. The daughters should vote with their feet and stop going to see him.

Are you actually Laura? Because otherwise this is a heck of a long in depth analysis of someone else’s relationship!
Regardless. Chris should put his daughters first in all situations. He seems to have rushed full speed into a new relationship and taken on the role of father way too soon. His daughters will suffer the consequences of this.

Chris should move back out to his own place and house his own 2 children.

I think the power imbalance is that Chris and his daughters have moved into Sophie and Bella’s house. Bella rightly feels that it is her house and she has more rights there than the other “guests”.

In Chris situation I'd never live together and blend families until all the kids were grown up and independent. Though in Chris's situation I also wouldn't get with a woman of that age who will probably want more children.

I bet Sophie will be pregnant soon and there will be no room at all for the girls.

Good luck changing Chris' mind. I imagine his reaction to reading these comments will be to get angry with you, OP. He knows he's being selfish and a shit dad, but he obviously doesn't care. No doubt it's easier being with Sophie and not having any serious parenting to do.

Presumably the 16 yo is in her exam year?

Chris should anticipate not seeing her much at all now as she needs to revise for mocks and then GCSEs, which she can’t do in a shared box room or in a house where she is expected to respond to a constantly bothersome 12 year old. And she can’t miss revision every other weekend.

What a way to let your children down.

They’ve barely had time to absorb the fact that their parents split up and within a year plunged into this.

So unfair.

Divorce is traumatic for kids. Puberty and exams are though times for kids. House moves are stressful for everyone. They've gone through the divorce of their parents, at a sensitive age, now dealing with a move and a parent who isn't listening to them.

The more he tries to force a relationship, the more this will backfire. Just because he loves their mum, he can't expect a relationship between the children, particularly at their ages, and if one of them is getting away with shitty behaviour.

Even in non blended families people can spend time apart and attend events separately. If he insists on an 'all or none approach it will destroy his relationship with his children. Its literally showing them they are no more important to him, than his current girlfriends child who he isn't related to and has known for a very short time and who he gets to live with the rest of the time.

It sounds like he has had fair warning but really doesn't want to see it.

Imagine doing this with other people in your life - you have two friends who don't have a history together, don't particularly like each other, havent got on well when youve all met as a group in the past, but you insist that you will only socialise with them both together as you've decided without any input from them that this is your nice new friendship group and you want everyone to get on. Every time one of them invites you to something you say 'only if dave can come too, it's not fair to leave him out'. Do you think either of them will continue to be mates with you when the only thing they've got in common with you?

He's chosen fucking a young woman over his family whilst their DM does the right thing. He should expect to be phased out by both his DC in the next 12 months is my bet.

Chris is going to lose his own kids because he's more worried about his dick.

This is the male version of dick over kids. Move in with a new woman and parent her kid better than your own because you have to to stay in good with new woman.

My Dad remarried when I was 12. My mum had died so we all moved in together with SM and her two kids. In my case the step kids were not the issue we all got on fine (and still do).
However my Dad prioritised his new wife and anything to do with her at every turn. From that day to this, I never spent a day alone with my dad, neither did my brother. We had been a tight knit threesome up to that point and I was very close to my dad.
Our relationship drifted apart and we are now polite strangers, at best. I resent him for never once putting time aside for a day out, or even to take me somewhere I needed to go.
I appreciate that he had a new relationship etc etc, but it was like we were suddenly not important any more. He sees my brother about 3 times a year and me once or twice a month, we both live within 20 minutes of him.
If Chris wants his daughters to grow up resenting him and them not to have a relationship long term he’s going the right way about it.

I know someone like this.

He split from his wife, then met someone else with 2 DC. He moved in with her and her DC and had them FT, and his DC EOW. He also moved over an hour away from them and wouldn’t ferry them to hobbies or parties. His DC hated it, and often refused to go. He then took it out on their mum and they caved.

Now these 2 DC are adults and they don’t want to know him. Once the maintenance stopped and the emotional blackmail, they said screw you.

He’s totally confused at to what he’s done to upset them and blames it all on his ex. Truth is he chose step DC and new wife over his DC and they’ve now decided that they’d rather not have him in their lives.

He’s an idiot.

Yeah..it’s been a nightmare to be honest. He moved on within a few weeks 🤔 She was also only a few weeks out of a long marriage 🤔 🤔
they moved in together after a year and were surprised when all the DC (4 between them!) didn’t embrace happy families.
I met someone (almost a year after I split from XH). He’s wonderful and we are really happy, but 3 years on we won’t be moving in together any time soon because it’s just unfair to force blending families. I’d like to live with him in the future but for now we see each other alternate weekends and occasionally with the DC.

I totally agree with this poster they focus on the new woman and there kids more to keep them happy. I feel for kids in this situation where there feelings are no longer important because there just kids and adults have the right to be happy blah blah but kids don’t choose to be in broken families if Chris does read this ~ Chris your being an absolute selfish twat putting his own needs before his children and Bella isn’t your flesh and blood never forget your kids are your number one priority and making them stay in someone else’s home and being treated like unwanted guests will always affect them and they will always hate that you chose somebody else’s kid first and you should have stayed in your original home were they each had a room and felt that they belonged because Bella sounds like fucking nightmare spoilt brat but hey if it means you getting laid then you have put yourself first then sophie and Bella second and your own children last.

Chris is a wanker who thinks with his dick. For all intents and purposes he’s abandoned his daughters emotionally. If Chris is expecting his daughters to have visitation with him at Sophie’s home, they need to be given a decent, private space of their own to sleep in and keep their stuff in that is not accessible by his step daughter. He needs to spend time with his daughters alone. He sounds like a shit dad for prioritising Sophie and her daughter over his own kids. That’ll be his penis needs being put before his own kids’ needs.

I feel so sorry for these girls.
Their dad cares more about his girlfriend and her daughter.
They will go round less and less. He will say they're being difficult. Then before you know it they essentially have no dad and he's got 2 more children with Sophie.
He will blame them, their mum, anyone but himself. All because he couldn't put his own children first.