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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm hurt but have I overreacted?

42 replies

Nefrititi · 16/10/2025 14:18

I unfortunately lost my dear Mum last year. She was diagnosed and passed away within 6 months :(
I have a small group of friends from school whom I have known for over 40 years although we only see each other once every couple of years and text on birthdays and xmas.
None of them attended the funeral and I got a card from 3 of them (one card) a few weeks afterwards saying how sorry they were to hear about my Mum.
They all knew my Mum really well and really liked her (as did everyone that knew her, she was amazing).

My brother had friends that came over from abroad to attend to support him and for the respect they had for my Mum also.
They have since sent a message at Xmas and my birthday ( as they would normally) and I replied to one of them as she had also lost her Mum (which nobody had informed me of so I couldn't attend the funeral etc). But I didn't even open the message of the other one.

As is usually the case in times of trouble the people you least expect to show up for you do and the ones you think would don't. I am lucky that I have a couple of amazing friends who have been truly there for me.

It's still bugging me over a year later and although we weren't in each others pockets for years they were my oldest mates and I thought when the worst thing happened we'd all be there for each other.

It's not the first time they've disappointed me and I've just rolled over and accepted it as why rock the boat as I've known them so long but I think I'm truly done now just to still say we're mates if in name only.

AIBU to cut them off once and for all?

OP posts:
Thehop · 16/10/2025 14:20

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I worry, though, that you're so disappointed because you're expecting far too much from friends that barely see you and just text at Christmas and Borthdays?

Jellybunny56 · 16/10/2025 14:23

I think you were expecting a lot from people you only see once every couple of years plus a text at birthday & christmas. These are not your close friends or people who are your support system.

Member984815 · 16/10/2025 14:24

Sorry for your loss, that is hurtful. People I thought were friends have done similar around death, you don't forget who failed to support you when you need them most. Saying that some people just don't handle death very well and if that's the case they do go out of their way to avoid the grieving person because they don't know what to say or how to approach the subject.

NellieElephantine · 16/10/2025 14:25

Thehop · 16/10/2025 14:20

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I worry, though, that you're so disappointed because you're expecting far too much from friends that barely see you and just text at Christmas and Borthdays?

Agree, how often is your brother in contact with his friends?

user5972308467 · 16/10/2025 14:27

I think you probably are being a bit unreasonable.
Obviously your mums death is a big life event, but your 40? 50? Lots of us have lost parents much younger than that, I was 23 and no one really mentioned it much past the funeral. What are you expecting from them beyond a condolence card?
These are people you see very infrequently, why do you care really? They are people you used to know, not current friends.

Worriedalltheday · 16/10/2025 14:30

Jellybunny56 · 16/10/2025 14:23

I think you were expecting a lot from people you only see once every couple of years plus a text at birthday & christmas. These are not your close friends or people who are your support system.

This. I’m so sorry for your loss but I agree with this. It may be 40 years but it’s not a close friendship.

nomas · 16/10/2025 14:31

Do you know what they did for the friend who lost her mum? Did they go to her mum's funeral?

Original poster
Nefrititi · 16/10/2025 14:32

Thehop · 16/10/2025 14:20

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I worry, though, that you're so disappointed because you're expecting far too much from friends that barely see you and just text at Christmas and Borthdays?

Thank you. Although we don't see each other much these days we are each others oldest friends.

I don't even mind so much that they didn't attend the funeral but it was more that there were no 'phone calls to say sorry or even a text. A 2nd class stamped card from 3 people saying how devastated they were but no call/text?

If that had been the other way 'round I would have called and txt and offered to meet etc and always been a source of support.
As I said before it's not the first time I've felt sidelined by them so I think this has just given me the push to leave it now and accept I looked at the friendships very differently to them.

OP posts:
nomas · 16/10/2025 14:33

Yep, sounds like the friendships have run their course.

If that had been the other way 'round I would have called and txt and offered to meet etc and always been a source of support.

I wouldn't offer them any support after this.

Original poster
Nefrititi · 16/10/2025 14:33

Member984815 · 16/10/2025 14:24

Sorry for your loss, that is hurtful. People I thought were friends have done similar around death, you don't forget who failed to support you when you need them most. Saying that some people just don't handle death very well and if that's the case they do go out of their way to avoid the grieving person because they don't know what to say or how to approach the subject.

Thank you. I'm sorry to hear you went through similar:(
I am so thankful for those that have been there and we've become so close since then so I'm very lucky in that respect

OP posts:
Original poster
Nefrititi · 16/10/2025 14:36

NellieElephantine · 16/10/2025 14:25

Agree, how often is your brother in contact with his friends?

Show quote history

Tbf he is in contact with his mates more often and although I'm in almost daily contact with other friends I don't contact these others either unless it'd birthday/xmas

OP posts:
Original poster
Nefrititi · 16/10/2025 14:38

nomas · 16/10/2025 14:31

Do you know what they did for the friend who lost her mum? Did they go to her mum's funeral?

Tbh I don't know as they never even told me she had passed away but I can guarantee they would have gone. She was also an absolutely lovely lady and I would have gone to the funeral I'm sure

OP posts:
BauhausOfEliott · 16/10/2025 14:39

YABU.

I say that as someone who lost my dad last month. My oldest friends (who all knew my dad from our teenage years) all messaged me to say how sorry they were and I know they care. One also sent a card to me. Another sent a card to my mum. I wouldn’t have expected anyone to attend a funeral.

It’s awful to lose a parent and I’m sure they all feel huge sympathy for your loss, but everyone expresses that in different ways. Some people will send cards, some won’t - it doesn’t mean they care more / less because they do / don’t send a card. And the loss of a parent isn’t an unusual thing in your 40s/50s and I don’t think you can expect all your friends to rush to your side and take time off for a funeral etc. If they did that for every friend in their lives they’d spend their middle age doing little else.

I’m very sorry to hear you lost your mum, but cutting off friends for this would be self-destructive.

Original poster
Nefrititi · 16/10/2025 14:39

nomas · 16/10/2025 14:33

Yep, sounds like the friendships have run their course.

If that had been the other way 'round I would have called and txt and offered to meet etc and always been a source of support.

I wouldn't offer them any support after this.

Thanks for that, that's exactly what I have been thinking.
I can be quite (very) sensitive so I just wanted to not cut off my nose to spite my face unless I was absolutely sure going nc was the right thing to do

OP posts:
FuzzyWolf · 16/10/2025 14:40

I’m sorry about your mum.

Did you ask them to be there for you and to say goodbye to your mum or was it a vague “funeral is next week if you can make it?”

People outgrow friendships all the time and just because these are your oldest friends doesn’t make them your closest ones.

Jellybunny56 · 16/10/2025 14:41

What real difference does going NC make at this point though really OP? Is 2 texts a year and a meet up every other year really a huge deal?

Original poster
Nefrititi · 16/10/2025 14:45

FuzzyWolf · 16/10/2025 14:40

I’m sorry about your mum.

Did you ask them to be there for you and to say goodbye to your mum or was it a vague “funeral is next week if you can make it?”

People outgrow friendships all the time and just because these are your oldest friends doesn’t make them your closest ones.

Thank you and I didn't ask them to be there for me. I really think it has run it's course. Your right, they aren't my closest friends anymore and I'm so grateful to have the ones I do have

OP posts:
Tbrg · 16/10/2025 14:46

It sounds like there is little contact between you, and perhaps the others are closer to each other as they sent a joint card.
I can understand the hurt you feel, and I wouldn’t make as much effort with them going forwards beyond what you do now, but I don’t think I would cut the friendship off completely.

If I was in as little contact as you are with your friends I wouldn’t think to attend their mother’s funeral. Perhaps because you have lost your mum you are a bit more nostalgic about the past, perhaps thinking about your friendship as it was, rather than what it is now.

Original poster
Nefrititi · 16/10/2025 14:47

Jellybunny56 · 16/10/2025 14:41

What real difference does going NC make at this point though really OP? Is 2 texts a year and a meet up every other year really a huge deal?

You're right it doesn't make a slight bit of difference! says it all really doesn't it?
It just brought up stuff from years ago where they made me feel left out and this was the icing on the cake

OP posts:
Wexone · 16/10/2025 14:49

I would be upset too, i live in Ireland so funerals are very quick, but when my FIL died the amount of friends that came to the funeral from all over the country was unreal, it really helped, you remember who came even if it was a massive funeral
I dunno if i would go NC but i would be retreating a bit

Original poster
Nefrititi · 16/10/2025 14:51

thanks for all of your replies - really appreciate it.
I just wanted some objective input as I usually run everything by my sister as she's less than emotional/sensitive to me and said there could be a very good reason why they didn't contact sooner etc - wish I was more forgiving!
Although she thinks they haven't been the best of friends to me over the years anyway so wasn't overly surprised by lack of effort

OP posts:
Original poster
Nefrititi · 16/10/2025 14:52

Wexone · 16/10/2025 14:49

I would be upset too, i live in Ireland so funerals are very quick, but when my FIL died the amount of friends that came to the funeral from all over the country was unreal, it really helped, you remember who came even if it was a massive funeral
I dunno if i would go NC but i would be retreating a bit

I think retreating for a bit is the best option tbh - although I can't retreat anymore if I tried!

OP posts:
Member984815 · 16/10/2025 14:53

Wexone · 16/10/2025 14:49

I would be upset too, i live in Ireland so funerals are very quick, but when my FIL died the amount of friends that came to the funeral from all over the country was unreal, it really helped, you remember who came even if it was a massive funeral
I dunno if i would go NC but i would be retreating a bit

I'm irish too , funerals are so important. Some family funerals we've had people show up who haven't been seen for years , it just means so much

Rumpledandcrumpled · 16/10/2025 14:54

I think maybe grief has you not thinking clearly. They are still your oldest friends, but that doesn’t make them your closest friends, or you them. You barely see them and loosely keep in touch, so expecting them to take time out for your mothers funeral would be a little much.

they remain your oldest friends, they reached out, I am not sure they’ve done anything wrong. Oldest is a word simply to denote time passing.

if it gives any insight I hate funerals, and I often duck them, even family members, everyone accepts this about me. However I am the one there in the final days and makes the effort when others can’t. We all have our stengths and weaknesses, and I personally wouldn’t think bad of someone for not attending a funeral as I understand how difficult it can be for some.

im sorry about your loss, but please don’t just assume this is some form of rejection or sign of a friendship ending,

Teado · 16/10/2025 14:56

I think that the friendship within this group has probably evolved over time, as friendships tend to do. So, I do believe that you are overreacting a bit, yes. I think that if your mum had died when you were all 20, it might have been different. But significant time has passed since school and the dynamic is different now. I wouldn’t cut them off but I’d lower expectations. You can still enjoy the odd meet-up and birthday text.

I do think that a joint card is a bit rubbish though tbh. I’ve never known that outside of work, when the big cards go round to be signed by everyone. I would rather send no card than be involved in that when it comes to friends.

I am sorry for your loss OP.

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