I'm hurt but have I overreacted?

[Nefrititi]

I unfortunately lost my dear Mum last year. She was diagnosed and passed away within 6 months :(
I have a small group of friends from school whom I have known for over 40 years although we only see each other once every couple of years and text on birthdays and xmas.
None of them attended the funeral and I got a card from 3 of them (one card) a few weeks afterwards saying how sorry they were to hear about my Mum.
They all knew my Mum really well and really liked her (as did everyone that knew her, she was amazing).

My brother had friends that came over from abroad to attend to support him and for the respect they had for my Mum also.
They have since sent a message at Xmas and my birthday ( as they would normally) and I replied to one of them as she had also lost her Mum (which nobody had informed me of so I couldn't attend the funeral etc). But I didn't even open the message of the other one.

As is usually the case in times of trouble the people you least expect to show up for you do and the ones you think would don't. I am lucky that I have a couple of amazing friends who have been truly there for me.

It's still bugging me over a year later and although we weren't in each others pockets for years they were my oldest mates and I thought when the worst thing happened we'd all be there for each other.

It's not the first time they've disappointed me and I've just rolled over and accepted it as why rock the boat as I've known them so long but I think I'm truly done now just to still say we're mates if in name only.

AIBU to cut them off once and for all?

It does doesn't it ? And i really try my best to go to a funeral aswell now. Will always leave a note on RIP.IE too.
I often read RIP.IE aswell to see what people said about FIL, its very comforting even years later

I know but you have to look after number one, take your time to get right, it affects us in different ways, i hope you have support with your immediate family and siblings

I'm very sorry for your loss. I hope as you pass the first anniversary the weight gets easier to bear.

None of my friends came to my mother's funeral and I didn't get cards from most of them.

I was glad about that, to be honest, as I found receiving cards just horrible. It was like a daily "she's still dead" arriving by post and I was struggling to accept her very sudden death anyway. My MIL sending a card on the first anniversary of her death nearly tipped me over the edge. That's not an anniversary I want observing.

I certainly didn't judge friends for not being in touch. Grieving is weird and extremely individual. It's also sadly the norm at my age, we all have parents and in-laws passing away through age.

The ones who did get in touch were those who'd lost a parent of their own recently and could empathise with that raw grief, and the ones who I talked to about struggling with it.

If you didn't ask them to come, if they didn't have a strong connection to your mum themselves, and you weren't reaching out to them for support, I don't think they behaved badly.

I think they failed a test they didn't know they were taking. They are your oldest friends, not your closest. It doesn't follow that the two are one and the same.

Thanks again for your replies. It wasn’t that they couldn’t come to the funeral as such as other friends couldn’t for various reasons that I’m most upset about it’s the lack of effort afterwards.
I just know I would have handled that so much differently than they have out of respect for them.
I actually don’t like going to funerals at all (who does)? But I would have been in contact with them so much more to support.
i can’t tell you how grateful for everyone that was there for us. We’ve been in contact again with people we haven’t seen in 30/40 years since the funeral so there are so many things to be grateful for

Up to you. Sounds like there’s not much to cut off, tbh.

So sorry for your loss too - it’s brutal isn’t it 🙁
I am so lucky that coming from a big family we could all lean on each other and pull each other through.

Thanx very much. I’m so lucky to have the support I have x

I wouldn't expect my friends to attend my mums funeral, especially ones I only see every couple of years. I wouldn't be going to their mums funerals either unless my friend needed me for emotional support because they didn't have a partner or closer friends to support. It wouldn't occur to me that someone I only see every couple of years would need my support. I'd worry that I'd be intruding on someone and it could be overwhelming for them to have everyone they know turning up.

They might be your oldest friends but they are not your closest. I’d just keep things at the level they are now, and don’t expect much else. You can either accept this is where it’s at and rely on closer friends for more support, or cut them out but doesn’t sound like they would be a huge loss anyway.

As someone else said, this age group is peak for losing parents - if we went to everyone’s funeral it would be like “wedding every weekend” season of our early 30’s all over again. I appreciated everyone who managed to come to my parents funeral but didn’t “expect” it as such.

Your post has made me have a careful think about how I have reacted when friends’ parent have died. My conclusion is that I see losing your parents as a natural part of life and now that I’m in my late 40s it’s happening to many of my friends and acquaintances. Yes it’s sad for the person to lose their parents but it’s expected sooner or later. When they tell me, I tell them that I am sorry for their loss, and that’s that. I have never sent a card, let alone attended a funeral, for a friend’s parent - genuinely hasn’t even crossed my mind to do that. Yet many of these are people I regard as good friends and I would hate for them to withdraw from the friendship.

By contrast, I have two friends who have been widowed unexpectedly young, and one acquaintance who lost her son. In these instances I have visited with a card and attended the funeral, because those things seem so shockingly out of the proper run of life that they need to be marked and the friends need support.

It’s interesting to hear your perspective; I think in future I will start doing a bit more, so thank you for encouraging me. But please please don’t write off your friends just because they didn’t react the way you feel they should have. It tells you something about how they see the death or a parent, but nothing about how they see you or your friendship.

When my DH died, I learned a valuable lesson - never rely on anyone.🤷‍♀️

You can't control how others behave.

Forget others, and get on with life. 👍

It doesn't matter how long you have known each other, if you only see them every couple of years and text a handful of times a year on special occasions only, they are satellite friends, not close friends and I would not expect satellite friends to turn up to the funeral of a close family member. If you need support, close friends are much better to confide in.

Oldest friends doesn't always mean closest friends. I have school friends who I see maybe once a year or so, they all knew my mum from when we were kids, but I wouldn't invite or expect them at her funeral.

Many people find death difficult to navigate as well. It's possible they took the view that you're likely to have had the same conversation about it multiple times, and that they'd offer their condolences when they next see you.

Or I suppose it's equally possible that they just put less stock in this friendship group than you do. I still wouldn't cut them off though...I expect your annual meet-up is much like mine, a fun reminisce. No reason you can't still enjoy it for what it is.

I think it’s because I know they would make the effort if it was someone else and as I say I don’t necessarily mean the funeral I mean just effort in general.
ABout 20 years ago one of them got married and I was invited obviously but had to go on my own as dh was working away. I remember everyone in that friendship group (and outside of it) had a part in the wedding (bridesmaids, readings etc) except me.

that’s just one occasion so I suppose I’ve always known where I stand with them.
Im ok though for an ear to listen to bf issues in the past at length as they liked my advice then blowing out a night out that I planned as I had spilt up from a bf but they couldn’t be bothered to return the favour and made some silly excuse.

always going to the venues they preferred and almost never my suggestions. The list goes on and I suppose Im already answering my own advice.

I’m sorry for your loss, it’s a difficult time to navigate.

I think those who have says that your oldest friends don’t always mean your closest friends are right.

Some old school friends came to my mums funeral but only those who still lived in the area, I didn’t really expect anyone bar family to travel and I was grateful to those who came.

Also, some friends I’d known longer didn’t come, and some who did still live nearby didn’t come, those people I speak to/see rarely similar to you who didn’t come and I’d never considered it an issue, because they’re people I don’t see often and wouldn’t rely on for support in those circumstances.

I think with kindness if you're looking back 20 years to times you’ve not felt that they’ve really been there for you or made you feel part of the group you have your own answer.

When you mention conversations at length about boyfriends are these also from a long time ago?

I live in Ireland so it's probably different but not attending a funeral no matter who it is, is a big deal. People take it quite personally. I'm sorry for your loss. Don't let this overshadow the wonderful memories of your mam.