To be upset by MIL choosing this

[Worzel9]

I would be here all day if I went through the background but DH and I have been together 12 years and have a 3.5yo DD, he has a sister who has 2 boys (4 and 1). Historically had a lovely relationship with in laws until the kids came along and the favouritism started becoming obvious towards SIL older little boy, but for the most part I've bitten my tongue.

MIL has always looked after DD on a Monday, she told me before she was even born that this would be the plan - they live a 40 minute drive away, and I said are you sure you're happy driving to our house every Monday and staying there/in the local area until we got home. I leave the house at 8am, DH is gone by 7 and they said yes - and that's been the situation for a few years.

A few months ago, I was going to start sending her to pre-school a few days a week to get her ready for school. MIL was really hurt by this, begged to keep her etc, got really upset and so I said ok we won't send her on a Monday, it won't be a problem.

This moved along okay until SIL little boy started school in September. SIL works mon-wed, so MIL agreed to pick him up from school every Monday as they only live around the corner to avoid him going into after school club. She said they could still come to ours in the morning, but I'd need to pick up from theirs. This meant I was now finishing work at 4:30, driving to her house to pick up for 5:15 and getting home at 6. Ok - I could manage that. (DH finishes later, so it wouldn't work for him to do it - he has days off in the week where he does pick up/drop off at preschool etc).

She has now said this morning she has agreed to also have him every Monday in half term/summer holidays/Christmas etc etc, which means I now have to drop off and pick up as they won't drive that long with him in the car. So I have to leave the house around 6:45am to drive the 40 minutes to their house, then the 1 hour drive to work, then finish work, drive to her house and get home for 6pm. DH literally couldn't do it if he wanted to as he works long long days to allow for days off in the week.

Not only am I a bit miffed I'm now going to be doing this over all the breaks, but also that MIL begged me for this 1:1 time with DD, and she's just decided it's not that important anymore.

DH is equally annoyed as we could've just sent her to preschool and avoided all of this, but the space is now gone. We're seeing them on the weekend and I want to voice that I'm upset about it, but really what other option do we have - I just have to grin and bear it until she starts school.

YABU - Just be grateful
YANBU - I'd be annoyed too

Find alternative childcare that is ridiculous and not fair on you or DD

YABU

Find another preschool space and let MIL DD will be starting on X date. If you voice your disappointment because the free childcare isn't exactly how you want it you will end up looking ridiculous.

Also, YABU because you decided that preschool would be the best option but chose not to send her because MIL was upset. If something is best for your child you do that and tell the adult who is upset not to worry, we'll have to carve out a new tradition for you and DD as she's growing up.

6.45am and then an hours commute? No way I would be doing that. I'd look for alternative childcare. If MIL is upset by it, so what? She changed her schedule, so can you. She must understand how that doesn't work for you.

@WasThatACorner

She already splits her time between a childminder, a pre-school and MIL so I'd be hesitant to find another provider (CM won't do extra days and Preschool don't have the space).

Interestingly, I did post on here before for advice when MIL was crying down the phone about keeping Monday's even though I wanted to send her to pre-school and you'd have thought I was the devil for even suggesting taking her away from MIL..

Yabu because you’ve benefited for a good few years with this arrangement. Time to find a proper arrangement and stick with it

@Worriedalltheday I did have an arrangement lined up in place.. I wanted her to go to preschool.

Which you should have stuck to.

I would check with your current providers if they can more adhoc Mondays during the school holidays. I found these tend to be quieter with teachers taking kids out / Monday and Fridays are the least popular days.

This was my original thread.. as you can see it got deleted after the sheer amount of abuse I got for suggesting sending her to preschool.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5262086-mil-distraught-am-i-in-the-wrong

All that driving isn’t fair on you or your dd.

it’s not fair of the mil to have asked you to give up your preschool place, which you did, then moved the goal posts.

I would agree with you that if you get yet another child care provider your dd will just feel she’s been moved from pillar to post.

no solution, but get straight on the waiting list for preschool/cm Mondays, and be more cagey in the future re doing anything for mil.

If you can't put her in any other childcare placement then what can you do 🤷‍♀️ you'll just have to learn from this and not allow MIL to push you into things in the future.
I'd definitely ask preschool to keep you updated about Monday. You never know when space might appear. You can of course let MIL know that she's let you down and caused problems, but to what end? She won't change her new arrangements and will probably just cry and play the victim if that's her usual go to move.

This is exactly the reason why I would never rely on my parents or in law for regular weekly childcare if they lived near us. Thank god they don't so we don't have to have that discussion.
You will never be able to do right...you have given your MIL what she wanted and she wants to change it. If you have put your DD in preschool you would have been wrong in your MIL as well for taking time away from her.

Find a new pre-school that has availability for all the days you want, or put her on the waiting list for where she is and take it when it comes up. We can also book adhoc days if there is availability (usually is in holidays) but that obviously can not be relied upon if you need it for work.

Thanks everyone - I don’t think I was looking for an immediate solution as I know there isn’t one, but I hadn’t thought about adhoc days at preschool so I will definitely ask. It’s just so frustrating, and why I never wanted to rely on family childcare. I wanted it to be as and when they chose to, not to allow us to work. Hindsight is a wonderful thing..

I wouldn’t say anything to MIL about the inconvenience to you, or her putting your DD second. I would just say that a 6.45am departure and 6pm return home is not in your DD’s best interests. It’s actually not, imho.

Is there any way your DH could change his day off in the week to a Monday?

This is an irritating situation because your childcare provider has unilaterally changed their provision, and you’ve dropped all alternatives based on the original offer. You’re stuck and will have to do what you can. But I’d be marking my MIL as unreliable childcare from now on: make your own arrangements, and make it clear that what might be glorious family time for her is indispensable childcare for you to allow you to work. She needs to understand that, and if she doesn’t want to or can’t you will have to make alternative arrangements because she’s unreliable.

Your MIL is a knob. Sorry this has happened to you.

That's my point though, if you think something is best for your child you do that. What mumsnet or MIL thinks is irrelevant if you as her parent think that X is the best thing for her.

I'm not trying to be horrible, you clearly are trying to do the best by everyone. Nobody will ever thank you for that so you might as well be a bit less considerate of everyone's feelings and let them find their own space within your DD'S expanding world.

This is rubbish and stressful for you OP. I agree with PPs that there's likely not much point you saying anything but your husband could if he wants to - it doesn't have to be confrontational but he could explain why it's disappointing. I think it would need to come from him though since it's his side of the family.

So they won’t drive that distance with your nephew in the car, but they’re happy for you to drive that distance with your dd in the car. Given your previous thread I would be so cross with your MIL and I would say something. I would also never give into her again and completely ignore her tears when things don’t go her way. Inconsiderate so and so.

You are not being unreasonable.

my in-laws live around three hours drive away. They say how much they want to see our little boy & guilt trip us. About 3 times per year they agree to have him for a couple of days for example in half term. They’ve agreed to have him Wednesday to Friday this October half term. In the diary since July.

Every time we make these arrangements, about 48 hours before she rings us & the goals posts have suddenly changed so we end up bending over backwards booking emergency leave or driving six hours out of our way. It makes me unhappy about making arrangements with her, because I can’t remember a time where the goals posts didnt change the week before, to make it harder for us. In the end, we always wish we haven’t bothered. But then if we don’t go ahead with the plans, it looks like we’re being the difficult ones.
you have my sympathies .

DH literally couldn't do it if he wanted to as he works long long days to allow for days off in the week. @Worzel9
What does he do with his days off in the week. Could one not become a Monday and he has dd, or does he use the time for hobbies?

My Mum provided childcare for my sister and also babysitting for her a lot and occasionally me, my sister lives round the corner from Mum and I live a distance away and I was a sahm so didn't need childcare.

My Mum said whoever was in her diary first got the babysitting. I booked a wedding weekend babysitting 9 months out. My sister then had an event she wanted to go to, same weekend. My Mum said she couldn't babysit my sister's children because I booked in first and she wasn't letting anyone down.

This is how is should be. Your MIL had a long standing agreement that she would look after your DD. She isn't suddenly ill, or too tired. She is showing her preference for her other grandchild. It is shitty considering she begged you not to put DD in preschool. Your Dh should say something to her about how disappointed he is.

There will always be MNetters who say you should fall over backwards being grateful for free childcare and I agree to some extent. However, when you get shafted like this which makes your day and your DD's day this long with travel it is why caution should always be exercised when having Grandparents look after your child.

Your husband should say something to her. “Mum, we’ve arranged childcare for DD based on you saying you would do X, but you’re now saying you’ll only do Y, which creates a lot of difficulty for us. Why can’t you do a different day for Dsis so that DD is not negatively impacted?” See what she says to her own son.

If she gets uppity, he needs to tell her that she’s backed you into a corner with her manipulative crying and now she needs to back up her promises with action. It’s only until next Sept then DD will be in school.

Never use MIL again after this!

It is pretty shitty of her to change things like this. These are the only practical suggestions I can think of…. Although as you say it’s only in school holidays, surely a preschool wouldn’t hemp anyway as they tend to be term time only?

Your DH changes his days off to a Monday. In school holidays he had your daughter at home.

Your DH switches his day off only in holidays to have her.

Ask your MIL to meet you halfway? That way it’s not adding quite as much onto your day.

Plan annual leave to be in school holidays to minimise the number of weeks this will affect you

If you have a different day of the week where you could work late or start early, arrange to start later or finish earlier on Mondays when you need to do the drive to MIL and make up the time a different day.

Ask your work about taking unpaid leave to cover it as needed. If it’s only in holidays, that’s 14 Mondays a year roughly?

"MIL, you were crying to me down the phone, begging me not to send DD to pre-school on Mondays so you could have her. I listened to you, but now you've completely changed the arrangement, to accommodate SIL, which is really unfair and doesn't work for me and DH at all.

Nephew has an after school club that he can go to, but DD can't go to pre-school instead because the place I turned down for your sake, has gone.

Please talk to SIL and see if Nephew can go to after school club just until a place comes up for DD"

My ils provided free child care for all 6 of sil's dc..
They never even had ours round for tea.