To be upset by MIL choosing this

[Worzel9]

I would be here all day if I went through the background but DH and I have been together 12 years and have a 3.5yo DD, he has a sister who has 2 boys (4 and 1). Historically had a lovely relationship with in laws until the kids came along and the favouritism started becoming obvious towards SIL older little boy, but for the most part I've bitten my tongue.

MIL has always looked after DD on a Monday, she told me before she was even born that this would be the plan - they live a 40 minute drive away, and I said are you sure you're happy driving to our house every Monday and staying there/in the local area until we got home. I leave the house at 8am, DH is gone by 7 and they said yes - and that's been the situation for a few years.

A few months ago, I was going to start sending her to pre-school a few days a week to get her ready for school. MIL was really hurt by this, begged to keep her etc, got really upset and so I said ok we won't send her on a Monday, it won't be a problem.

This moved along okay until SIL little boy started school in September. SIL works mon-wed, so MIL agreed to pick him up from school every Monday as they only live around the corner to avoid him going into after school club. She said they could still come to ours in the morning, but I'd need to pick up from theirs. This meant I was now finishing work at 4:30, driving to her house to pick up for 5:15 and getting home at 6. Ok - I could manage that. (DH finishes later, so it wouldn't work for him to do it - he has days off in the week where he does pick up/drop off at preschool etc).

She has now said this morning she has agreed to also have him every Monday in half term/summer holidays/Christmas etc etc, which means I now have to drop off and pick up as they won't drive that long with him in the car. So I have to leave the house around 6:45am to drive the 40 minutes to their house, then the 1 hour drive to work, then finish work, drive to her house and get home for 6pm. DH literally couldn't do it if he wanted to as he works long long days to allow for days off in the week.

Not only am I a bit miffed I'm now going to be doing this over all the breaks, but also that MIL begged me for this 1:1 time with DD, and she's just decided it's not that important anymore.

DH is equally annoyed as we could've just sent her to preschool and avoided all of this, but the space is now gone. We're seeing them on the weekend and I want to voice that I'm upset about it, but really what other option do we have - I just have to grin and bear it until she starts school.

YABU - Just be grateful
YANBU - I'd be annoyed too

How annoying for you and tiring for your DD.

I’m assuming your DD will start school in September of next year so you might find she’s old enough for holiday clubs (which will cover 13 of the Mondays in the year) and you’ll know not to rely on MIL no matter how much she begs once school starts.

Thanks everyone, at least I know I’m not going mad.

DH has asked for a Monday off, work won’t let him. That would be the ideal solution really, so it’s annoying. He’s hoping to change job soon though so there is some potential wiggle room. I’m going to enquire about adhoc days at preschool and we can take some annual leave so we can have a few Mondays off where they clash.

I just feel disappointed for DD yet again playing second fiddle to her cousin, but I shouldn’t be surprised at this point.

Yes @FuzzyWolfshe’s already on waitlists for after school clubs. MIL has already said she wants to keep her Mondays in the holidays once DD starts school but I just want to say no thank you! At least holiday clubs are reliable and round the corner.

Just say no thank you for any future offers once your childcare is sorted “We don’t want DD in the car for that length of time” use SIL argument.

Absolutely say “no, thank you” she’s let your daughter down badly and this is the consequence of her actions!

MIL is fickle, unreliable and a manipulative twat. Crying down the phone about it? What is it with grown women crying about seeing grandkids? I've never seen that in real life but from MN it seems it's quite common.
I'd move mountains to find other options for your DD and (whether sooner or later) cut right back/cut out the MIL looking after her.

Ignore any further crying or tell her to cut it out.

Or, here's a suggestion: get your DH to deal with all of the above. It's his mother.

SIL and her DC will always take priority. IME.

It’s for one year and one day of the holidays so 13 days. At least 3 of them will be bank holidays anyway so you’ll be off. Likely you/DH could take a couple of days holiday each to cover those. SIL might be on holiday too so it will be a handful of inconvenient days. It is annoying that she’s agreed to something and then committed elsewhere too. Maybe some of the days your nephew could stay at your house. Some other days your dd could sleep over at grandmas on Sunday nights too etc. not worth falling out over.

I don't get what these grandparents are thinking, it wasn't even that different when we were kids in terms of having to get spaces at pre-school or parents having to commit to regular hours at jobs. I don't get how they think they can just dip in and out of childcare without making life difficult for the parents.

Could you drop dd off sunday night and put her to bed at mil house?

I empathise on your DC not being the favourite grandchild. We experience the same and it sucks... Even our DC see it now they are older and ask why grandparents dote on their cousin more. Families are tough. Hope it isn't a tricky weekend op. I'm not sure it'll be worth saying anything, as it sounds like mil has already made up her mind, but I think you're within your rights to say it's left you in a bit of a pickle now she has gone back on her word to caring for your DC at your house.

This is for less than a year so could you and your husband split those Mondays between you taking annual leave?

I think it was wrong of your MIL to be so insistent about not sending her to preschool so that she could have her, only to drop it after a few months. I'd be very annoyed.

@KindnessIsKey123 I would make back up arrangements now, so book leave or see if a friend could take your son for those days. Then when you get the call, say 'ah never mind, the option's just come up to do X instead so we'll bring him down to you another time'. If they always get their way they won't change, but now you've seen what happens you can be prepared.

Your MIL has been an arsehole letting you down like this after all her moaning 🙄

As PP have said, get DH to have a word about how much they’ve let you down and also consider getting DH to drop your DD off on a Sunday night so both you and DD don’t have such a rushed Monday morning.

In the short term could you ask your SIL to put her child in before and after school club on a Monday? You could even offer to pay (annoying as it is!) Then never rely on MIL for childcare again as soon as your DD gets a place.

Thanks everyone, I had a good decompression session with my sister today so I managed to get it off my chest, we will just have to find a workaround for those days until she goes to school and then she will be in paid childcare and no more ferrying around.

DH did say to her yesterday that SIL is taking the mick. She’s asked MIL to have him Mon-Weds over every single holiday (SIL works those days) so she doesn’t have to use A/L - but her DH is going to use his A/L on a Thursday and Friday so they can have nice long family weekends.. and MIL agreed but said she finds it impossible to say no.

I was angry yesterday but on reflection saying something won’t change anything and will only cause unpleasantness, so I’ll bite my tongue and just focus on DD - roll on next September..

Hi op you have every right to be upset about this situation your mil was only thinking about herself and has now moved the goal posts to suit her other gs. I hope you get something sorted soon and ask preschool to let you know if anyone drops out on Mondays can you have this day and let mil focus on her favourite because she is now anyway.

Well done op. I hope it's all ok ❤️
You could always pop your DC on a preschool waiting list for the Monday in case anyone moves house/jobs or changes their hours. X

I’d bloody say something to MIL and tough shit if she doesn’t like it. I assume you can’t drop Mondays or change to a different day? Do you have family nearby that would be willing to help you out?

Could you maybe find another Childminder that can accommodate all the days you need so your Daughter isn't going to lots of different childcare? If your present one isn't prepared to work the days you need time to look elsewhere. Ask to be added to the preschool waiting list so if a place comes up you'll be considered for it.