If your parents separated when you were young (toddler-ish age). How do you feel about it now?

[user2466]

Hi,

My ex and I are currently going though a seperation. Unfortunately he struggles to set boundaries and allowed his toxic and controlling family to dominate the majority of our marriage. He did briefly put his foot down but as an only son struggled to shift the guilt.

He also struggled a lot financially annd has a lot of debt and when I got tired of helping him he went back to them for their ‘comfort’ despite their abusive behaviour.

Our daughter is 22 months old and I worry that this will have a lasting impact on her. I worry she’ll always feel different compared to her peers and she’ll always feel as though she doesn’t have a proper loving home where both her parents love each other.

If your parents separated whilst you were young, how do you feel about it now? How did it impact you and how did you feel at the time?

I was three and I have always been relieved that they split when they did. To be honest I can't understand why they married as they are completely different and want/enjoy different things in life.

I saw friends struggling with parental separation or unhappy homes when I was older and was always glad I didn't have that. As a child I never understood books where children were desperate for their parents to get back together when it was obvious they were miserable together!

Relieved!! They would never have been happy.

@Latenightreader I’m glad to see that it’s not all doom and gloom. Did you ever wish they were compatible and could’ve made it work as a child?

Much better at this age than when around puberty.
she doenst have an understanding of romance or romantic love now and she’ll never remember you being a couple under one roof. She’ll benefit from calmer happier less stressed parents. The older she gets the more families in her class will be non typical. Don’t worry! Just focus on her in the hear and now and you’ll know how to deal with any questions as and when they arise, but don’t punish yourself twice worrying about them arriving! (Ps these thoughts are so normal though and I’ve been round the block with them myself too!)

My younger brothers were toddlers, have no recollection of my parents being together and the separation did not impact then in the slightest.

Those of my siblings who recall my parents’ relationship have all struggled to date seriously.

Make of that what you will.

I was two, never had any desire for them to get back together while I was growing up, and have never been able to imagine them being together either.
They had nothing in common and, from what I've heard, all they did was argue while together so them divorcing was definitely the better option with regards to my childhood.
It's probably the best age for it too. When I was in year 7, a friend's parents were considering divorce and she was quite upset about it. She tried to ask me for advice but I had absolutely no idea what to say because I couldn't relate to anything she was upset about.

Mine split when I was 5 so a little older than toddler age but I don't have any memories whatsoever of them being together.

I have some memories from around age 8 onwards of them arguing over who had to have us that weekend etc. And arsey, bitter comments being made about the other parent whenever we were at either house. I always hate it when people do that to their children. They don't need to hear their mum bitching about their dad and vice versa. Keep it between yourselves or talk to your mates about your ex in private.

Overall though, I don't really care about them separating. They clearly weren't compatible and the split itself had no long lasting effects on me.

Mine did when my mum was pregnant with my brother, when I was 3. Honestly it didn't really occur to me that it was 'different' - I just accepted that that is how my family looked. My dad lived abroad and was largely out of the picture, so never did shared custody or anything. Knowing my parents I'm very glad they split when they did, as my dad would have made mum miserable and I'd much rather a happy mum. He's also quite old school and I think I'd have had a harder childhood with him/with tension in the household if they were together.

As an adult I'm hugely proud of mum for going solo and making the brave choice to leave and raise two children alone, rather than live in an unhappy home. I think a safe and calm home is the biggest gift she gave me. Don't worry, your toddler will just see this as their normal, and they won't be the only one with separated parents by far!

Mine split when I was 5. I dont really remember them being together. I'm glad they had the chance to find other people and be happy.

She won’t feel different. Isn’t it 1 in 2 these days?

I was 3. It was toxic. They are two completely different people and I wouldn’t be who I am today if my mum didn’t leave

I think it depends on the parents themselves,rather than the situation
My parents were abusive and neglectful,they would of still been like that had they of stayed married.
Unfortunately for me ,they both re married equally dreadful people,and my life got so much worse ,with my various suicide attempts during my teenage years ..
But again I don't think the divorce caused that ..they did as parents.
The fact you are on here asking ,op shows how much you love and care for your child x

I was two when my mum left an abusive relationship. She ended up falling in love quite soon after the fact, with the man who has been my wonderful dad for 39 years.

My biological father was a horrible person, was never interested in me outside of causing hassle for my mum. He never got custody, and only has about six months of supervised visits. I attempted to forge some kind of relationship with him when I was about 19, but he hadn't changed. I went through a period of wondering what I'd done for him not to care about me, then I gave my head a wobble and deleted his number. I never saw him again and he died a few years ago.

My dad (we never use the word step-dad) raised me, taught me right from wrong and has always had my back. Him and mum are perfect for each other, I have an amazing brother and grew up feeling loved.

Interestingly, my biological father had a daughter, and we got in touch about 10 years ago. We're not close but we're friendly. She had the exact same experience of him that I did, so it was comforting in a way to know that it wasn't just me.

I'm proud of my mum for getting us out of what was a very, very dangerous situation, and happy that she found the partner she deserves. As far as I'm concerned I've only ever had one dad, and I've done pretty well out of the whole situation.

It's never effected me in the way it did friends growing up. I only have one memory of them together.

Despite some rocky teenage years with crap stepparents on both sides (my parents would admit this) I'm now, in my 40s, really close to both my own parents

This is also my experience, I was three and my sister was two.

I can't imagine how they ever got together in the first place as they are so different. I think it would have been a very unhappy home if they had stayed together.

It didn't effect me in any way and I didn't feel 'different' at all.

Not me but I slit with ex whe dds were 2 and 4. Two year old doesn’t remember anything and has no issues with it, four year old found it hard and she struggled with new relationships that followed. She still has a difficult relationship with her dad.

The fact they got divorced in itself is meaningless really, I’ve never known them together.

Definitely some choices during my childhood which were not in my best interests (eg having to live with partners I hated etc). But any parent, married or not, might do that.

Sometimes there are still sensitivities around eg Christmas which is a bit annoying.

I’m not permanently scarred by it. It just is what it is.

My key learning is that if I end up divorced myself, I’d probably stay single until my kids left home, to prioritise their happiness / wellbeing.

The only thing I wish my parents had done better was not messing around with contact.

for example, they would fall out over money , then mum would stop us seeing my dad, and he would have to go back to court to re set contact.

it was a massive cycle that just went on and on until we were 13 and he died.

I am cross we won’t ever get that time back again.

one example of this is one year my mum was out shopping with us and saw some tog24 coats she liked . (Expensive brand , especially then)
she bought one for each of us, and handed my dad the receipt for just shy of £200, and told him she needed reimbursing.

he didn’t have the money/ refused , so we didn’t see him for nearly a year, untill his mum (my grandma) sent my mum a check to cover the coats. I still remember my mum smugly showing us the check and saying this is how you deal with people like that…

im cross that anything so small stopped contact for so long.

and I fucking hated that coat

Not me, but I've spoken to my (now adult) dsd about this. She says she can't remember any different and it hasn't negatively affected her. Both her parents remarried, and her stepdad and me have 'always been there' as far as she's concerned - she doesn't know any different. She still felt part of stable, loving homes. She's now training to be a teacher, and has turned into a lovely, well adjusted adult.

The most important thing you can do for your dc is still try to co-parent effectively, together, even though you're no longer a 'family'. That's easier said than done for many, but is really important.

It will affect her, but I’m not convinced it will affect her worse than watching two parents who can’t get on gradually falling out of love with one another but staying together anyway. If you can split amicably and well, that’s much better.

The most important thing after splitting is to have consistency of rules between both parents, and for neither parent to be bad mouthing the other to the child. The latter is really important.

I was 4 and it was 1970 so I really was "different" in not coming from a 2 parent family.

In the great scheme of things since then, I suspect their separation had less effect than what happened afterwards

Thank you everyone. It’s reassuring to see that it didn’t have a lasting impact for the majority of people.

@Flipthrfhxsd I have referred ourselves to social services because my ex wants to take DD to an environment which has been classed as abusive for the following reasons:

Ex was slapped by his dad (this was before DD was born) as he didn’t agree with his dad about something

His parents uploaded photos of our daughter on social media without our consent when asked to remove them and not upload the going forwards we got told to fuck off and got the silent treatment for months where they didn’t see DD

Ex MIL would smoke around me during pregnancy, she was vaping as I was getting induced. She vaped in our living room as well.

Ex in laws refused to acknowledge DD has a dairy allergy.

In all the above her dad did not stop his parents and stayed quiet to ‘keep the peace’ there are other examples too but I could go on forever.

For this reason I want a social worker to assess if contact is suitable to take place at their house. Will DD dislike me for taking this step?

Interesting to hear this as I’m a single parent and have been since they were babies. I waited 6 years before dating and only decided to because he decided he wanted to see them
a couple of nights a week and I was lonely and looking for fun after many years alone and a hard slog, 2 years on and my children haven’t met my boyfriend and there is no plan to. However, they know that when I’m not with them, I’m with him and they find it upsetting. I wonder what the right thing to do is all the time. I was determined not to introduce different men and only introduce them if it was very serious.

I think divorce can mess up a child at any age, but that's mainly when the parents are blithely putting themselves first and not thinking of the children at all.

You clearly are putting a lot of thought into the impact on your kids and how you can make things a bit easier on them. So long as you continue doing that, I think your child will be fine.

Wishing doesn’t do any good when two people quite clearly aren’t compatible.

it’s better for a child to have parents who are separated and happier than together and arguing and miserable.

I very much doubt any of those reasons would prevent your ex from being able to have your dd at his parents house. If your ex is fine with it all then SS won't care at all, especially about things like putting up pictures. They will probably deny it all anyway and say you are just trying to cause alienation.

I would be very careful and pick your battles, a lot of kids grow up in far less than perfect circumstances and SS can't/won't be involved with many of them. Unless there is actual emotional/physical/sexual abuse or neglect. You want to try and prevent this becoming really hostile and acrimonious if at all possible IMO.