Stepson and baby

Concernednewmum · 2025-10-15T18:12:47+00:00

I have an adult Stepson that doesn't live with us, but we have him over for dinner and probably see him most weeks. A bit of background of me for context: I have a baby girl on the way and for me, it's my first child. I come from quite a stable background, both my parents are still together, had the same house my entire childhood, did well in school, got a degree, never did drugs or underage drinking and I honestly never got into drinking at any age but ill have the occasional night out and even go out with people and just not drink. I try not to judge people with different lifestyles, and honestly if it doesn't impact my life, im very live and let live. However my step son does drugs, drinks a lot, is morbidly obese, has no education, never holds down a job (is currently unemployed), has no money, wrote off the car he was given and generally just has an awful attitude to life. He brags about the weed and getting pissed, and the crap that he puts in his body and moans about having to work to earn money. The idea of him being around my kid makes me anxious. 1. I dont trust him and 2. I just don't want her to turn out anything like him or be influenced by him. I dont know how to navigate that feeling, am I being unreasonable by feeling like I dont want him around her?

Katflapkit · 15/10/2025 19:16

For a very long time, your baby will be asleep when your stepson arrives for once a week for dinner.

I don't think he will have that much influence.

EgregiouslyOverdressed · 15/10/2025 19:29

You must have decided that his father did something right in raising your SS to have decided to have a child with him. What does he think?

havingoneofthosedays · 15/10/2025 19:31

Will he be sitting having a joint, swigging a Stella whilst you're feeding your baby?

I've seen some overreacting on MN but this one has given me a good chuckle.

FuzzyWolf · 15/10/2025 19:37

So you looked at your DSS and thought that you wanted a child with the man who raised him because you could see he was a good father and had demonstrated this…

Moonlightfrog · 15/10/2025 19:49

Your child will be raised by the same father who raised your step son, is he going to change his parenting style with this child/baby?

You baby won’t even know much about your step son if he only visits one a week, there’s a huge age difference so I don’t think your daughter will be looking up to him.

toomuchfaff · 15/10/2025 19:57

Why in hell are you having a child with the man who raised the stepson you despise?

Your baby daddy has a son who is going to be in your life, like it or not, and it sounds like he did a sterling job first time round...

yeesh · 15/10/2025 20:00

🤣

MinPinSins · 15/10/2025 20:02

As everyone says, the bigger problem in terms of negative influence is your child being raised by the man who helped make stepson that way.

Schoolchoicesucks · 15/10/2025 20:02

How old is he? What does your DH make of his situation?

While your DD is a baby, she will (presumably!) not be left alone with this guy so you will be able to ensure her safety. But as she grows older and sees his behaviour, hears what he says then you will likely want to restrict her being around him.

I hope that he is young enough to be able to make something of himself by the time any of this would be an issue. But if not then you will have to have firm boundaries - such as your DH can spend time with him, but not in the house when your daughter is there.

Original poster

Concernednewmum · 15/10/2025 21:50

Schoolchoicesucks · 15/10/2025 20:02

How old is he? What does your DH make of his situation?

While your DD is a baby, she will (presumably!) not be left alone with this guy so you will be able to ensure her safety. But as she grows older and sees his behaviour, hears what he says then you will likely want to restrict her being around him.

I hope that he is young enough to be able to make something of himself by the time any of this would be an issue. But if not then you will have to have firm boundaries - such as your DH can spend time with him, but not in the house when your daughter is there.

Thanks for the first reasonable response 🤣
He's 19, nearly 20. And no i absolutely wouldnt trust him alone with her lol. My husband worries about him a lot, and has made a lot of attempts to get him back on track but has found it difficult to hold him accountable for his actions since he moved out. (He used to live with us, and was much less problematic then).

However he also understands my POV, and even suggested the same thing as you, spending time with him away from the house when she's older and would be effected by it because he doesn't want her to subjected to that either. Although I can imagine that is a difficult position for him to be in.

Still kind of holding out hope he will just start to listen and sort himself out though, but not feeling convinced at the moment 😕

OP posts:

Diarygirlqueen · 15/10/2025 21:54

Yes you are being unreasonable. Are you looking to ban him from his dad's home?
Really OP, you are overreacting.

Original poster

Concernednewmum · 15/10/2025 22:12

toomuchfaff · 15/10/2025 19:57

Why in hell are you having a child with the man who raised the stepson you despise?

Your baby daddy has a son who is going to be in your life, like it or not, and it sounds like he did a sterling job first time round...

I think it's possible to care for someone and really not like their life choices. Ive been in my stepsons life for a fairly long time and we actually get on, I just don't agree with his life choices and since he's not been under my roof, I voice my concerns and leave it at that because realistically what control do I have over an adult who doesn't live with me? And who am I to dictate what he does with his life?
So I definitely don't despise him. And I lived with said step son and husband for a period of time, during which he was NOT into drugs, alcohol and doing all the stupid shit he does now.

OP posts:

Timeforabitofpeace · 15/10/2025 22:22

Don’t blame the young person totally for his life choices.

mrsschneebly · 15/10/2025 22:29

Op as a stepmum you will be vilified. It’s just how MN is.
People don’t seem to comprehend that even kids with the best upbringings can turn out to be arseholes. It shouldn’t happen theoretically but it does. Just like kids who have had awful upbringings can go on to do great things as adults. There comes a time when you can’t blame your parents anymore, you have to take responsibility for your own life choices and I’d suggest by the age of 19 he should have some autonomy for himself and want to at least earn money and do something with his life even if he does enjoy the odd bender now and then.
Id just try and keep your distance as much as you can, not much you can do at this point if he doesn’t want to change his ways.

MrsKateColumbo · 15/10/2025 22:31

I knew he would be an "adult" 18/19.

Young adults do stupid things, your DD will certainly do stupid (different!) Things I am sure. By the time she's 4/influenceable he will likely have sorted himself out at least a bit. Assume he isnt smoking weed when he comes over for dinner?

whatcanthematterbe81 · 15/10/2025 22:33

FuzzyWolf · 15/10/2025 19:37

So you looked at your DSS and thought that you wanted a child with the man who raised him because you could see he was a good father and had demonstrated this…

I see what you’re saying, but I used to be an absolute nightmare. Drink, drugs, late night parties. I’m a proper grown up now and well behaved but when I did that it had NOTHING to do with my parents. They had no idea. I was a master at pretending to be perfect! (Disclaimer I haven’t read the full thread so I may have missed that the dad knows about this and is part of the problem)

Praying4Peace · 15/10/2025 22:33

toomuchfaff · 15/10/2025 19:57

Why in hell are you having a child with the man who raised the stepson you despise?

Your baby daddy has a son who is going to be in your life, like it or not, and it sounds like he did a sterling job first time round...

Very judgemental post, blaming father for son's poor choices.
OP, you are totally reacting and overthinking

Praying4Peace · 15/10/2025 22:34

whatcanthematterbe81 · 15/10/2025 22:33

I see what you’re saying, but I used to be an absolute nightmare. Drink, drugs, late night parties. I’m a proper grown up now and well behaved but when I did that it had NOTHING to do with my parents. They had no idea. I was a master at pretending to be perfect! (Disclaimer I haven’t read the full thread so I may have missed that the dad knows about this and is part of the problem)

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Thanks for this insightful post

Ladyzfactor · 15/10/2025 22:40

whatcanthematterbe81 · 15/10/2025 22:33

I see what you’re saying, but I used to be an absolute nightmare. Drink, drugs, late night parties. I’m a proper grown up now and well behaved but when I did that it had NOTHING to do with my parents. They had no idea. I was a master at pretending to be perfect! (Disclaimer I haven’t read the full thread so I may have missed that the dad knows about this and is part of the problem)

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Completely agree. I was super wild when I was in my early twenties. Drank a lot, took loads of drugs and working a dead end job. I turned out pretty ok (I'll still smoke weed and drink a bit, just way less.) He's young. I'm sure he'll figure it out eventually.

JLou08 · 15/10/2025 22:50

You probably should have considered this before making a baby with the man who raised the step son you look down on so much. Does your DH recognise where he went wrong with his son?

Foreverwipingcounters · 15/10/2025 22:55

Regardless of what happens between you and your husband, your step son will always be your daughters brother. If you purposely keep him away from her, your daughter will notice this as she grows and judge you both for it. He's 19, not really an adult yet.

nocoolnamesleft · 15/10/2025 23:01

He is your baby’s half brother. His father is who you chose to be your baby’s father. Of course they’re going to have contact.

Octavia64 · 15/10/2025 23:02

Some of this is just him being a young adult.

young adults often drink. Quite frequently to excess. They usually grow out of it, if at uni after the first term.

you say no education - presumably he went to school? If he literally got U’s in all his GCSEs that points to a (fairly serious!) learning disability. If he’s got some qualifications then he’s got some education.

if he doesn’t live with you then it’s going to be at least a couple of years before your child even really notices he exists, much less starts noticing stuff like him drinking.

if you are seriously concerned meet up in the daytime outside the house.

FlockofSquirrels · 15/10/2025 23:05

Well he does not sound like a great candidate for a nanny, so take him off the prospect list.

I assume you and your DH have reasonable boundaries for what is ok while he or anyone else is at your house? That's the only thing you need to try to control - the behavior that actually happens in your house and in the presence of your child. You haven't given any reason whatsoever to suggest that he shouldn't be invited to come sit at your dinner table with you, your DH, and a young child or play peek-a-boo while you all visit in the living room.

ImplodingLoading · 15/10/2025 23:07

Not read the full thread, and I myself am a step mum to awful children who their mum manipulated (unpopular MN opinion) so I really do feel your pain. Unfortunately we were married and had children before lockdown hit and the ex wife showed her true colours.
However, surely you knew about this before choosing his dad as a life partner? And before choosing to procreate with said partner?