Stepson and baby

[Concernednewmum]

I have an adult Stepson that doesn't live with us, but we have him over for dinner and probably see him most weeks.

A bit of background of me for context:
I have a baby girl on the way and for me, it's my first child. I come from quite a stable background, both my parents are still together, had the same house my entire childhood, did well in school, got a degree, never did drugs or underage drinking and I honestly never got into drinking at any age but ill have the occasional night out and even go out with people and just not drink.

I try not to judge people with different lifestyles, and honestly if it doesn't impact my life, im very live and let live. However my step son does drugs, drinks a lot, is morbidly obese, has no education, never holds down a job (is currently unemployed), has no money, wrote off the car he was given and generally just has an awful attitude to life. He brags about the weed and getting pissed, and the crap that he puts in his body and moans about having to work to earn money.

The idea of him being around my kid makes me anxious. 1. I dont trust him and 2. I just don't want her to turn out anything like him or be influenced by him.

I dont know how to navigate that feeling, am I being unreasonable by feeling like I dont want him around her?

I'm really hoping he will sort himself out. He seems to be on a bit of a roller coaster, just when we think he's settling down another drama comes out of the woodwork.

He isn't allowed to smoke here no. Although, He is very open with us about what goes on in his life and I've always liked that. I don't like what I hear 🤣 but I like that he's always felt comfortable enough to just be open and honest with us. I dont particularly want that to change, but at the same time all of our catch ups and conversations at the dinner table are just centred around things I wouldn't want a young child to be privy too. Every other word is a swear word as well, which doesn't bother me enough for it to be problem but would do if a child was around. It might be as simple as just making sure he puts a filter on, but I dunno, how can we continue this relationship of open-ness if I feel he needs to whack a filter on nearly everything he says and does 😅 my husband suggested that he would talk to him about that, but I don't want him to stop talking to his dad about stuff cause he feels like he can't?

But surely his dad spends one-to-one time with him when he could be completely open and unfiltered? If he doesn't, he should start.

Yeah he does, I used to make it a point to dissappear sometimes when he came over for dinner (like go out, or even go to my parents) so he could have that one on one time. Sometimes they meet up during a lunch break whilst I'm at work. But he kept asking where I was and wanted to see me so then I felt bad, even though i was trying to be respectful lol. My husband also talks to him on the phone as well, but for some reason over the phone SS is awwwful at conversing lol. So yeah sometimes they get that one on one time, sometimes not. But i guess you're right, if that one-one time is prioritised then he will still get to just be unfiltered.

With a twenty year age gap I don't imagine the siblings will have much to do with each other.
Just don't leave your child in the man's care, ever. His father can correct his language etc. while he's in the house.

There are lots of people on here blaming dad. Parents are only responsible to a certain extent. Most do the very best they can but it's perfectly possible to get conventional children and off the rails children in the same family.

The personality of the child is as much a part as their upbringing.

In the early stages babies just drink milk, so I wouldn’t worry about drink and drugs until they have at least been weaned.

Realistically is an 18yr old (male or female), going to be that bothered by a baby? I certainly wasn’t and would have definitely not have been volunteering for any babysitting duties (I was too busy going out drinking with my friends). By the time your child is a teenager, your stepson will be in his mid thirties and might be thinking about starting a family himself, so hardly going to be an influence then either.

I dont know how to navigate that feeling, am I being unreasonable by feeling like I dont want him around her?

Well no, you're allowed to have your feelings. But what do you suggest? You can't not allow your step-son to your house (which I expect is what you wanted to hear).

I can't imagine a 19 year old is going to want anything at all to do with a baby tbh and once the child is 4-5 years old (where they can actually communicate and understand stuff) then he'll be in his mid-20s and you probably won't even see him very often.

I can't really see what the issue is here.

Ok, he might be a loser, but that doesn’t mean he’s an evil person or will corrupt your baby 🙄

Hmm, SS used to be a really nice kid when I got together with his dad. Haven't had many of the personal relationship issues a lot of step sons and step mums have. When he lived with us full time, a good routine and boundaries kept things running smoothly and honestly with some of the horror stories ive heard about some children, id actually say he was easy to deal with. Shit hit the fan with him when his mum was introduced back into his life, and he has really gone down hill since then. He's still not horrible or anything, just makes god awful life choices and won't let us help or help himself.

I think it's a bit hard for me as well because I established a relationship with him so he isn't just "my husbands son". So it's like, i want him to be a part of my daughters life, but just genuinely concerned that if he doesn't sort his life out that it will cause problems later on 🫠

He will grow out of this before your baby can notice any of it. I had a lot of friends like your stepson at age 16, now they all own companies or have good jobs, one is even a senior executive pastor of a church (he used to sell weed).
Only one out of all the boys that were like this ended up on the wrong path in life and he actually came from a very good family so not sure what went wrong.
But I agree his lifestyle isn't great and I hope my kids fall more into the healthy crowd, but being an idiot at 16 doesnt determine the rest of your life, so I would just keep him close as pushing him away could be the catalyst for him ending up getting deeper into the lifestyle and being the one that slips through the cracks.
The majority of his stupid weed smoking friends will end up growing up and getting jobs and becoming perfectly normal adults.

I mean I understand not wanting excessive drinking or drugs around your child, I think most parents would agree but rather than saying he can't be round the baby at all to put a boundary in place saying he cannot see baby if hes high/drunk. So ywbu to keep him away from baby all together but yanbu to say no to people drunk and/or under the influence of drugs around your baby.

That's reassuring. Part of my issue is probably just that I dont have much experience/exposure with troubled youngsters, so im just like well is this just who he's gonna be? But hopefully he will grow out of it and find his way.

I work in the STEM field, and mentor a lot of young people and even have friends relatively close to his age. (I'm only 29 myself). So im just surrounded by bright ambitious youngsters who've achieved more than I could ever have hoped to at their age and it's probably skewed my perception 😅

Although he is 19 and not 16, and was at the dinner table genuinely trying to convince us that selling drugs is the best way to make money now because all of his friends do it and they don't have to have a job and earn loads of money 🤣 so I guess it's just hard to hold on to the hope I guess he needs us to have for him 🫠

Yes, well 19 today is probably like 16 a few years ago. Sadly, kids are growing up much later I think. Although you are right, there are some incredible young people out there making waves at a young age. Some people just mature much later than others and it does depend on your friendship groups at that age too.
Keep showing him the right path, that he is loved, that there are options other than selling drugs, that life can be great, money isn't everything and theres nore to life than having cool trainers and a wad of notes in your pocket.
It sounds like Dad might have to carve out some time for him too. Even small things like a monthly meal out or going to get the car MOT'd together where they can have a bit of a chat at the same time.

Hopefully, he will realise that life is a lot easier if you play with a straight bat, and seeing it through your example will hopefully just mature and grow out of it.