...to expect to be told when CM is taking DH out on a trip?

[SecretSquirrelandMoroccoMole]

She usually takes him around our local area but thinks it's okay to take him out of town (30 min drive away) without telling me first. I've signed a general consent form covering all trips during our contract, but isn't it just courteous to expect to be told 'Oh, we're going in the car to XYZ tomorrow'?

Actually I don't think you ABU! I'm an ex-minder as well, but I think if I was taking a mindee somewhere different, quite a way away, I would have mentioned it. Not asked for permission, perhaps, because I had all that, but out of courtesy, yes.

In fact, I can think of just such an occasion. We decided on spur of the moment to go to the seaside. I had all the gear, so I didn't need any extra stuff, but I gave the mum a quick call, to let her know.

30 minutes for my CM would have been a trip to our local city centre though, rather than anywhere exotic. In fact, going from the crossroads close to where she lives, all she'd do is travel into either the city centre or a nearby town, whichever direction she took.

Seaside would be different - it takes an hour and a half from us!

BUT, I don't think it is unreasonable for you to mention to her that you would prefer to receive a call informing you, if that's how you feel.

Thanks for all your thoughts, MNers. I'm afraid the YABU gang didn't come up with anything convincing enough to change my mind, not because I'm inflexible, but more because so many of you jumped to conclusions about it being an issue of trust, etc, which it definitely isn't. I did say in my OP that I just wanted to know out of courtesy, and I can see from other posts that it's not so unreasonable to expect this.

I'm certainly not angry about it (in reply to kama) so I feel that even though I differ from the majority of you I'm not being unreasonable in my expectations. Thanks anyway for giving me food for though, and big love all round!

i wouldnt be worried about it.our cm does take ds out and about-moors and beach if nice.i think its lovely for ds.its nearly always unplanned trips which doesnt worry me at all.

Mind you if she is anything like me, she probably thinks she has told you

My parents know only to tell me stuff when I can write it down and not to put much faith in what I tell them (unless it is written down)

I do have problems with my memory......not lost a child yet

lol katymac!

Oh, Katymac, you're not alone! Apparently a family travelled from somewhere in Latin America to Canada and only realised when they were informed on their connecting flight that they'd left their 2-year-old at the original airport!

How awful ......I'm not that bad

I did have "where were you yesterday" .....'um DH was in hospital'...... "thought it might be that"

I just don't REMEMBER to tell people things

YANBU.

We came to blows with our first CM over a similar issue. I met some other mums who said to me that they had seen ds1 at a place that I'd never heard of. I felt like a right idiot having to ask what it was. I spoke to CM and she couldn't understand why I wouls want to know. It wasn't that I didn't trust her or thought she was doing anything wrong it was just that I like to know what my children are doing. Also if they have a particularly busy day with the CM it would affect what I do the next day if they are with me. And if I go somewhere new it is nice to know if they have been there before. CM told us that she didn't have time to tell us where they went. End of story. We now have a fab new CM who gives just the right amount of info. We get told of anything unusual/interesting that the boys do but are spared the more mundane details of their daily routine.

YABU. First child? Think you need a nanny really to expect those sorts of discussions. Childminding is someone else's personal business - so you either buy into that service or not.

But you signed a form to allow trips. So you should expect he should go on trips. Surely the point of the form was so you didn't have to sign one each and every time.

You gave permission.

In Squirrels defence, it wasn't about permisson, it was simply about the fact they the cm had seen both parents within 24hr of the trip and hadn't mentioned it.

I understand totally, that CMing is not babysitting and its unnecessary and unreasonable to tell parents every waking minute of you lo's day, but for a new, long distant trip, still think it was worth a mention.

As Katy says, 30 miles isn't a long distant trip in her neck of the woods, and that's fine, but where i am, it is. It was about courtesy and I think the CM should have mentioned it.

My DH doesn't even like it if my parents take the dc away anywhere without him knowing. It's not taht he doesn;t trust them - it's just taht (in his case anyway) when you're at work thinking of the kids you are imagining them in one place doing certain things. If you then find out they ahve actually been 30 miles away from where you expected, it can come as a bit of a surprise.

Oh ok, then yes, I would have expected someone to mention it, but 30 miles is not that far round here, you have to drive for 10 to get to a decent supermarket.

What did they do when they were out then? Was it an interesting trip for the child, in which case she should have mentioned it. Or was it a boring errand for her, in which case maybe she didn't mention it as she felt as if she shouldn't have done it?

Thanks Maureen - glad someone actually bothered to read what I've written here!

As for getbackin's 'first child' comment - don't be so patronising. Each parent is an individual, not a standard issue 'overanxious new mum'.

LazyLinePainter, it sounds like you live in the sticks. I live in a big city. So there is a huge difference between a 30 minute (not mile) drive for you and me. And the trip was a fun one for the kids - as haggis says, it's nice to know roughly where your kids are, right? Seeing as I am his mum and all.

Erm, I read what you'd written, then posted my opinion, which happened to differ to yours, although I never said you were unreasonable.

I also followed up to explain where my former CM would get in 30 minutes - which may explain why I wouldn't have been so bothered.

"Am I being unreasonable?"

"Yes, you are."

"No! No I'm not, and I'll tell you why, and only I know the situation so don't judge!"

Hi unknown, I wrote that comment because people were assuming that I didn't trust my CM, when I'd said in my OP that I just considered it a courtesy - I never mentioned anything about trust or permission but quite a few people made the assumption.

Smug - hmmm . Have you read this whole thread?

Yes, I have read this whole thread, and many which set a similar tone.

Far too many Am I Being Unreasonable threads wind up with what is basically

"Am I being unreasonable?"
"Yes you are"
"No I am not!"

If you want to moan, moan. Don't ask of you are being unreasonable if you don't want to risk being told that you are being unreasonable!

So you didn't notice the bit where I said (twice now, I think) that some of the people on this thread made wrong assumptions about what I was saying? I've read the kind of AIBU threads which you're talking about before, however I think it's fair enough that if people misunderstand what you're saying you should be able to say they're wrong without being criticised for it. Wouldn't you agree?

YES - Y A B U and confrontational and rude.

'Confrontational and rude', Violet? Interesting. Which bits, exactly?

that is just the "vibe" you are giving out IMHO - it's like you've got extreme PMT and you just want a row.