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AIBU?

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Original poster

Childcare catastrophe

41 replies

Themumthatteaches · 14/10/2025 21:09

My partner and I have had very heated words tonight after the second day of him being off with our DS who is poorly and can’t attend nursery.
I am a teacher and even though we take it in turns for time off, with it being the start of the academic year and the fact my class were on a trip, I asked my partner if he could do this one. So…he’s had two days off, DS is now over the worst but still a little runny (sorry TMI) and he wants to send him to nursery tomorrow and have his regular day off. I said “oh I didn’t think DS would be going to nursery” to which he was really annoyed and started saying things such as “you can’t say anything, I’ve been off with DS when all he really wanted was his Mum and you chose other children before him and couldn’t even be off with him yourself.” (Believe me anyone who is a teacher will know how much that one hurt - the mum guilt is already at its peak)
In a nut shell, I earn slightly more than he does, my job is a secure career and I have great prospects in addition to incremental good pay rises. Even though we take it in turns with childcare for illness I don’t think I am being unreasonable to suggest that he should be off for the whole illness even if it means forgoing his rota day off and I also don’t feel it’s unreasonable to be upset about his comments.
I don’t really know to navigate a further conversation because I just feel really hurt.

OP posts:
Dozer · 14/10/2025 21:11

Not a childcare problem, a DP problem.

What he did was routine parenting. Presumably as a teacher you cover most of the holidays, for example.

What he said to you was nasty.

A good father can parent their DC well when DC is unwell.

PatMustardsBigTool · 14/10/2025 21:14

You are not being unreasonable. And your poor DS can’t go to nursery tomorrow, I doubt they’d even allow him back if he’s still “runny”. Essentially your partner just wants a day off to himself and thinks he’s done his bit now looking after his own son. What happens at weekends when you’re off? I doubt you get a whole day free for yourself. Sorry but he sounds like a spoiled brat. Hope your son feels better soon.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 14/10/2025 21:17

There’s no childcare issue here. But your DP is an arsehole. If he’s not the main earner and he’s not the main caregiver (or equal going off his comments about DS just wanting you) then what is he even there for?

Bobbybobbins · 14/10/2025 21:19

Yanbu

I’m a teacher and my DH does more term time illness days off than me but I do all the school
holidays.

MumChp · 14/10/2025 21:19

Your husband is bonkers.

Hummusanddipdip · 14/10/2025 21:19

The crux of it is ds shouldnt go to nursery because he is ill, depending on policy it will be 24 or 48 hours since last instance of runs. Therefore the parent who is not working has ds.

The comment was unkind and unnecessary, being told you're choosing other children over your own is a low blow, those comment's hurt even when they aren't necessarily true.

I get his pov he's had to use 2 days of parental leave/holiday to care for his child, who is now over the worst of it and now has a day off, he just wants to have the day off because he hasn't had the break (but we rarely get those as parents) he usually has if he has a midweek day off when ds is at nursery.

At the end of the day, it sucks, but he needs to be parent on duty.

Ki0612 · 14/10/2025 21:20

Wow he expected you to call in work when he's already off!!! Teaching is not a parent friendly job. Yes you'll be off the school holidays but when it comes to children's illness, school shows, school pick ups, and the many many things that are very hard to get to if they fall in term time you'll feel terrible mum guilt and him highlighting that is just cruel.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 14/10/2025 21:20

Ki0612 · 14/10/2025 21:20

Wow he expected you to call in work when he's already off!!! Teaching is not a parent friendly job. Yes you'll be off the school holidays but when it comes to children's illness, school shows, school pick ups, and the many many things that are very hard to get to if they fall in term time you'll feel terrible mum guilt and him highlighting that is just cruel.

You’ve misread it

Merryoldgoat · 14/10/2025 21:22

These fucking shitty men everywhere.

ninjahamster · 14/10/2025 21:23

When you say “runny”, do you mean diarrhoea or a runny nose?

Notashamed13 · 14/10/2025 21:26

Another reason to hate men....(literally just had something similar with a phone being more important than dd) of course YANBU (id also be fucked off at sending a stomach bug into nursery) empathy to you from me x

Ki0612 · 14/10/2025 21:28

ToKittyornottoKitty · 14/10/2025 21:20

You’ve misread it

Show quote history

Either he wanted her to call in sick to look after child on his day off or send child who's still not over sickness back to childcare... 😬

Original poster
Themumthatteaches · 14/10/2025 21:37

ninjahamster · 14/10/2025 21:23

When you say “runny”, do you mean diarrhoea or a runny nose?

Sorry he’s had something viral for over a week which we think has turned into S&D but can’t be sure if it’s viral or a bug…you know how it is with nursery illnesses.

This was another point, I am a stickler for following illness rules as I know first hand how fast they spread in childcare settings!

DP has announced he’s decided to “take the week off” so will still have Thursday and Friday on his own as DS will be with grandparents Thursday and Nursery (all being well) Friday, so that’s just added fuel to the flames for me.

I will add that he does a great job of looking after DS, but I am struggling with the resentment which has been stated it’s because “I’m not grateful and acknowledging his efforts with DS and it should be the Mum who stays home with the child when they’re ill”. I don’t want him to feel that I’m not acknowledging him, but at the same time I currently can’t look past how annoyed and upset I am by his comments.

OP posts:
Original poster
Themumthatteaches · 14/10/2025 21:39

Notashamed13 · 14/10/2025 21:26

Another reason to hate men....(literally just had something similar with a phone being more important than dd) of course YANBU (id also be fucked off at sending a stomach bug into nursery) empathy to you from me x

This was another point, I am a stickler for following illness rules as I know first hand how fast they spread in childcare settings!

DP has announced he’s decided to “take the week off” so will still have Thursday and Friday on his own as DS will be with grandparents Thursday and Nursery (all being well) Friday, so that’s just added fuel to the flames for me.

OP posts:
PurpleThistle7 · 14/10/2025 21:42

That’s ridiculous. My husband has always done more of the sick days than I have. His job is more flexible in general and he travels for work sometimes so when he’s away I have no other options. So if he’s in town and not hosting a visitor or similar, it’s him. And if either of us are off work it’s definitely an easy call (I work flexibly so don’t work Fridays. Any Friday stuff is always me of course)

taking time off as a teacher is hard but you have weeks and weeks where it’s easy. He has a great setup! All that about a child only wanting his mother is nonsense and a really cruel thing to say. If it’s a one off then I suppose he could just be really tired but if this is a pattern it’s a serious issue.

AccidentalPrawnYouFool · 14/10/2025 21:49

Why should it be the mum? Your husband sounds like a sexist pig.

QuickPeachPoet · 14/10/2025 21:51

So he wants you to take a day off work so he can have a day of leisure time? Absolute no way.

Allswellthatendswelll · 14/10/2025 21:52

YANBU

I am a teacher. DH earns about 4 times what I do and he still has taken time off when DS couldn't go to childcare. He can still do the odd phonecall whilst DS is asleep/ watching TV. For teachers you are either there or you aren't and it's a huge headache for other people if you aren't. Your child has two parents ffs!

Pistachiocake · 14/10/2025 21:54

Dozer · 14/10/2025 21:11

Not a childcare problem, a DP problem.

What he did was routine parenting. Presumably as a teacher you cover most of the holidays, for example.

What he said to you was nasty.

A good father can parent their DC well when DC is unwell.

Edited

This, exactly. If a kid only wants one parent, that's a clue to the other parent to get more involved (and I know it's not always that easy, but in this case, it doesn't really sound like he's trying). So are you saying he expects you to take time off when he's not working anyway? If you both had to work, I get it would be a problem, but if he's not working, why should he expect a rest day? Do you get a lot of days off work when he's doing all the parenting, OP?
As for saying mum should be the one taking time off with sick kids, I could just about understand that attitude if he was the main breadwinner and your job was pin money, like in the 50s...
For people criticising men in general, none of the ones I know would do this-my grandad looked after all the family when they were ill, insisted on my gran having the day in bed whenever she had gynae issues, and then cooked for them all, even though he had a full time heavy manual job and she didn't (mainly) work, so we shouldn't just say that men can't look after sick kids. I know lots who do. Sorry OP.

Flossflower · 14/10/2025 21:55

You will always be looking after your child in the holidays when they start school. I think your husband has to accept that he fills in all the other times.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 14/10/2025 21:56

Ki0612 · 14/10/2025 21:28

Either he wanted her to call in sick to look after child on his day off or send child who's still not over sickness back to childcare... 😬

Show quote history

Nope that’s not it. He’s taken 2 days off work with sick child. Tomorrow is his regular day off and he wants to send recovering child into nursery anyway

FitnessIsTheOnlyWealth · 14/10/2025 21:56

So - every day that you are not working ie weekends and school holidays you have your DS. However your DP/DH gets a mid-week ‘alone’ day off (notably after being neither the main earner or the main parent-caregiver). How have you ended up with such a poor arrangement in the first place?

his current behaviour is simply an extension of the same entitlement he’s been allowed to get away with.

I'm not even going to comment on his unacceptable comments about prioritising other children. That’s outrageous!

Flatandhappy · 14/10/2025 22:01

He’s a misogynistic wanker but you know that. I look after DGD one day a week and DS let it slip that he had a week off to which I replied “you don’t need childcare then as you are at home to look after your child”. Love DS and I understand “me time” but as a parent it is a true luxury not a right.

Dozer · 15/10/2025 06:49

His comments are sexist. If he really thinks that it brings lots of things into question about him as a partner and father. He’s not ‘stepping up’ to this part of parenting and is being nasty to you

taking annual leave at short notice for this purpose is pathetic and could piss off his work.

It’d also be shit treatment of the grandparents to expose them to risk of D&V while he has taken a day off! Because he’s been inconvenienced with work and done a couple of days of parenting. childcare shouldn’t be necessary and GPs are mugs if they put up with it!

Chamgenamegame91 · 15/10/2025 16:47

Themumthatteaches · 14/10/2025 21:37

Sorry he’s had something viral for over a week which we think has turned into S&D but can’t be sure if it’s viral or a bug…you know how it is with nursery illnesses.

This was another point, I am a stickler for following illness rules as I know first hand how fast they spread in childcare settings!

DP has announced he’s decided to “take the week off” so will still have Thursday and Friday on his own as DS will be with grandparents Thursday and Nursery (all being well) Friday, so that’s just added fuel to the flames for me.

I will add that he does a great job of looking after DS, but I am struggling with the resentment which has been stated it’s because “I’m not grateful and acknowledging his efforts with DS and it should be the Mum who stays home with the child when they’re ill”. I don’t want him to feel that I’m not acknowledging him, but at the same time I currently can’t look past how annoyed and upset I am by his comments.

Show quote history

Wow what a petty little man.... so he's happy to take a week off for him but is bitter about having to take 2 days off to look after his unwell DC?

He could of used that leave for future illnesses couldn't he. I am appalled at the pettiness of it. That's his punishment to you is it...... I'd really really struggle to move past this