DH won’t do anything unless prompted, then says I nag

[StationHouse89]

Anything domestic related. Then I’m nagging him, it’s my way or the highway, I’m not taking his preferences into consideration.

examples - making the bed, packing school bags, tidying up, ordering things we need, taking laundry out of the machine.

AIBU? I need some tips if anyone has improved this with their other half. I would love to not nag, in fact, I’d love to never discuss any of the above ever again and they just happen, because I feel like a broken record.

Make certain areas of home life solely his responsibility, and others solely yours, and then never do any of his tasks ever? If he doesn’t do them they don’t happen? Trick is to give him ones that don’t impact you or the kids too much.

Or just divorce.

Did he live alone before he met you?

Is this recent or was he completely useless when you married him?

I hate the word “nag.” It’s such a misogynistic term used to shut women up. No woman wants to be called a nag — and that’s exactly why some men use it. It’s a way to dismiss valid feelings or requests, to make women second-guess themselves, and ultimately to keep the balance of power comfortable for them.

The word “nag” isn’t harmless. It’s a tool that’s been used to silence women and make emotional labour invisible. It’s time we stopped accepting it.

If my Dh ever slips up and calls me a nag I’m very quick to point out all of the above and thankfully he now doesn’t use the word.
Sorry that’s not really helping you but I feel really strongly about it.

Tell him to stop scolding you.

Since he is acting like a child, perhaps a star chart.

@TheAutumnCrow I don’t get it?

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing I’m not sure what those things would be, that would actually make a positive difference but also not impact me and the kids when he doesn’t do them?

I have two pieces of advice.

firstly it’s easier with the day to day stuff if you have seperate jobs. Divide jobs up and just do your own. But you can’t dictate/insist he does his on your terms, they are his jobs he accepts responsibility and if he screws up he also handles it.

secondly with the more sporadic jobs pick some you are not bothered about and just drop them . Literally don’t do them, if he wants them doing he will start to do them.

So we do -
dh - cooks 3 nights, bins, recycling, hoovering , mopping
me - cooks 4 nights, dishwasher, bathroom, laundry

I also dust, clean kitchen doors, microwave, dishwasher and clean settees.
i dropped garden, changing beds, oven, cleaning fridge/freezer, washing machine, car maintenance
Everyone puts their own clothes away.

I work part time and dh works full time

Great, I don't want to be responsible for prompting you either, how should I respectfully raise it with you if your share isn't done? Then use whatever form of words he gave you, respectfully, every time.
let's split the tasks down the middle, you do half the list one week, and the other half of the list the following week, and then vis versa next week. (As pp says, it may be better to specialize, but for us, for just cleaning, doing half the house each every week is simple, clear, and effective).

Scold is an older word for nag, i e sexist term for women who don't let men walk all over them.

Have you tried "That misogynist language - don't even think about using it to me again" ?

Yes we have our jobs and jusy get them done when want too, and some jobs i dont get why somone would nag someone over it ie making a bed if a person wants a bed made then make it yourself

Yes there are important jobs but also jobs that only need to be done because somone has decided they have to be done there is a difference

Does he simply not do those things, or is he doing them but not to your satisfaction?

Just don’t do it for him. Particularly things that bother him.

then if he asks just say ‘didn’t want to nag’

just do the things that irk you.

if he doesn’t help with laundry, just don’t do his laundry. Just say well I can’t even keep up with mine and the kids.
if I ask you to do it, then I’m nagging. So you’ll have to do your own. And carry on.

@declutteringmymind I already won’t do his because of this! So agree on the approach

@PollyBell that’s what my DH says TBH, so I am having a moan but also genuinely wondering if I am being picky and unreasonable

Are you both working equal hours outside of the home? Or does he feel he doesn't need to do anything if he is sole earner?

@autienotnaughty thanks for the advice, he does cook a few times a week to be fair, this is one thing that sometimes actually happens and he doesn’t seem to mind doing it. Tidying up afterwards can be rather hit and miss.

From the way the post is worded that would be my question too.
Also OP, please use the “quote” function when you reply. We can’t see who or what you’re responding to.

I don’t have to do any of this with dp because he’s a competent adult.

By accusing you of something, he’s making something he hasn’t done your problem twice over. Ask him why he’s presenting you with a problem not a solution? What’s his idea for getting this stuff done? (I’m not being entirely sarky, he genuinely might have some good ideas. Eg we do an Alexa shopping list now. How about when he doesn’t do something, announce to the air ‘Alexa set a reminder for Dh to unload the washing machine in five minutes and keep reminding every five minutes until it’s done’ and walk away?)

I thow "nag" back at them. When women "nag" it's because males were too lazy to do something at the first time of asking.

To be fair, in our house it doesn't tend to be DH, it's more likely to be the DCs trying to get away with being idle. Calling it out and putting their behaviour back on them tends to get them into action.

It did improve with us, but I had to really spell our the idea of mental load and how it was deeply unfair and sexist.

The amount of threads on here about lazy, can't be arsed husbands who seem to think household and/or child related tasks are predominantly not theirs is frankly bloody depressing. Happily divorced where this was a major problem. Wtaf is wrong with them all. If a man called me a nag I'm not sure he'd live to tell the tail. It's misogynistic and rude and designed to keep you in your box while he continues to be a lazy arse.

Stop saying it and leave him to manage the consequences even if it inconveniences you?

unless it’s something life or death leave it. The way most humans learn to remember things is through the consequences of their actions. If he forgets something in the kids bag he will have to Go and drop it off. Stop solving his problems and trying to save him.

This used to be our situation but not anymore. We have jobs that each of us do (because we don't mind doing them) but when he has a day off, I draw up a list of chores and expect him to work his way through it. If I want a job doing in a particular way then I'll say that on the list.

He is autistic which is not an excuse not to do chores but I found a way that works for us both.