DH won’t do anything unless prompted, then says I nag

[StationHouse89]

Anything domestic related. Then I’m nagging him, it’s my way or the highway, I’m not taking his preferences into consideration.

examples - making the bed, packing school bags, tidying up, ordering things we need, taking laundry out of the machine.

AIBU? I need some tips if anyone has improved this with their other half. I would love to not nag, in fact, I’d love to never discuss any of the above ever again and they just happen, because I feel like a broken record.

Tell him that he can label you as a 'nag' but you in turn will label him as 'lazy and non-proactive' because he's constantly leaving the mental load to you and expecting you to do everything. Remind him you're not a domestic appliance and he needs to do his share. Probably best to have a calm discussion about all this rather than say something as a reaction to him calling you a nag.

I would be saying

‘Using the word nag is unacceptable and misogynistic. We have two choices here: you either learn to be an adult and do your share without my input or we call it a day? Which one?’

And mean it. He is slowly degrading you op, trying to railroad you into doing everything.

Let’s just clarify - you’re not “nagging” - he’s not doing it so you are asking him repeatedly. Nag is such a misogynist word to make women feel bad for asking men to do the most basic of things. It’s the ultimate gaslighting!

Write up a list, split it, if he doesn't do his share, tell him that you won't be speaking to him to nag him.
Hecannot expect you to put up with this treatment, it is a huge lack of respect, relationships should be partnerships.
If he wants you to act like his DM, he can get a grip.

I once responded to my husband who told me to stop nagging, that I wouldn’t have to repeat myself if he grew up and did what I asked in the first place. My nagging was solely his own doing, and he knows how to rectify it. Repeated that a few times and he got the picture. Still have to ask several times for things to get done, but don’t get accused of nagging anymore. Every time I heard him say “but you do it better” I told him weaponised incompetence is very unbecoming or you‘d have to cope if you lived on your own (veiled threat!) or how do you cope at work without me doing your job there for you too, or other patronising comments? He hates it when I through stuff back at him, to show him he is the problem. But it works!!

I know people who swear by this card game:

I relate to this!
I usually say do you want to do x or y
Ie cook dinner or walk the dogs, make packed lunches or pack school bag, fold washing or empty dishwasher, clean the bathroom or clean the kitchen etc etc
Give him a choice but he has to do one thing whilst you do the other.

My DH is not completely hopeless but doesn't notice things need doing (or care about them) or plan ahead like me. He can easily go into his own bubble and not think about household tasks or (when DC were younger) childcare, or say he will do it later.... Which of course never happens, then he gets prickly if I say can you just...
So if I make it clear there are two tasks that need doing and I'll do one and he will do one at the same time then he's not as prickly.

Also worth getting him to set alarms on his phone for any task he is responsible for ie Thursday 7am for bin day and then whether it's recycling or landfill.

PP idea of making him solely responsible for something but I think you have to let him fail and the consequences have to impact him not you or DC.

We are early 50s I think, I hope younger men (and my DS!) will be better.
Generally speaking people my age grew up with mums doing everything and dad's not doing much at all obviously exceptions to this but as a rule growing up in 70s and 80s I think it's true.
So think you have to role model for your DC and it takes a while to trickle through the generations.

Try reading the book fair play

It based in the idea of whoever does a job does that job from planning to finish and the other person doesn't have to be involved at all x might help if it's written in a book

If you're nagging his reaction to you is scolding..... youll stop nagging if he stops scolding you.....which means he has to up his game in order to stop the nagging.

Say things like would you rather sort the packed lunches or put the washing away?
Would you rather iron the uniforms or hoover the stairs?

My lazy ex husband was booted out of the door. I wasnt his servant and never will be. I also earned more than him so fuck off basically. A penis doesn't make them special.

When he says your a nag. Could you say if I didn’t need to keep asking you I wouldn’t need to nag you would I? I’m not sure why men are like this tbh but when they want you to do something it has to be done right away. Let some of it go then if he complains say I am sick of being a broken record I can’t do everything.

@PessismisticThey are like it because they feel entitled to receive a service from you, and for free. Their time is too important for housework.

Love this….

Sit down together and make a list of key chores

Divide them between you

Then instead of nagging you can ask something like, is there anything needs doing on the list?

I divorced a useless man but the current one is as bad if not worse. So I told him we were downsizing because I refused to spend my time on domestic drudgery whilst he did fuck all. So we would live somewhere smaller and get a cleaner. His domestic activity has been transformed since that conversation. However I'm quite old so we may just downsize anyway because life is too short for bloody housework.

I didn't read all of the replies so sorry if it's already been said.
I make a list each week and attach it to the fridge. I've told DH will not keep going on at you I'm not your mother, so here's the list, do at least two a day.
It's worked wonders, sometimes he will do all of it in a day sometimes it's takes a couple of days. He has to cross them off as he does them, once it's all crossed off, I make a new list.

It's infuriating because inevitably the split of jobs is yours to manage too. I tried sitting down and dividing jobs. I tried set jobs, ie only doing mine and DDs laundry so letting jobs not done only impact him (which is actually really tricky in a household) but ultimately I got fed up. Now he's an XH.
The level of, what I considered, disrespect increased. Not just for our shared space, but me & my time. His wants outweighed our needs.

@Ohwhatswrongwhats wrong is you are still making a list but also say 'youre not his mother' (sexist in itself). Why are you making a grown man a list? Does he not have eyes? Does anyone make you a list?

To think this is the solution when it's very much the problem...

I have the same problem too. If he's off with DC and I'm working, it's still me that's up making their breakfast. I asked him if he'll hoover and mop while he's off today, I got the eye roll and told that he's not a child, my reply was well you wouldn't do it if i hadn't mentioned it (he actually agreed). He won't cook a proper meal for them so I end up leaving something out the freezer that I've batch cooked which pisses me off no end because I'm not even there to eat it with them. The biggest difficulty I have is that he wants to be fun dad, so he will spend all day playing with DC but do nothing around the house saying he didn't have time. It's not teaching them anything about patience, amusing themselves for an hour, or the reality of life that sometimes boring chores need to be done. If you find a solution let me know OP!

I’m nagging him, it’s my way or the highway, I’m not taking his preferences into consideration.

Assuming he's being honest (rather than using this as an excuse to shirk), it sounds like from his POV you're either insisting he do tasks that don't need to be done at all - for example, he'd RATHER that no one made the bed so it's easy to crawl in and out for an impromptu nap, or he thinks the children are old enough to pack their own schoolbags unsupervised and both of you should leave them to it. Or he's doing the tasks but in a different way from you - for example, you make the beds with tight hospital corners and tucked tight all the way up, he likes to just tuck the bottom and leave the sides loose under the comforter. If either of these is the case, can you go through all the tasks that need to be done toner and split them up, compromising on the ones where you either can't agree if it SHOULD be done or can't agree how to do it?

If you've already done this and he's neither doing the items he agreed to adequately and timely nor speaking up and saying something like "let's stop packing the children's schoolbags" and discussing it coherently, then if he wants you to stop "nagging" he needs to either do his share or learn to communicate effectively.

I improved it by leaving. Now he lives in a hovel.

Make a list or do a chore rota and mark at the top ’PLEASE DO NOT TURN ME INTO A NAG!’

Works with my DH and my DD. If I end up ‘nagging’, they know it’s their fault 😂

Scolding means telling off. It's what parents do to children, in a demeaning way. Scolding is meant and not constructive.

I think laundry is a good one. It's a stand alone task that can be allocated to one person, it doesn't have a "standard" that can be argued over (eg when one person thinks the bathroom is clean and the other doesn't), and he'll soon notice when he doesn't have any clean pants or shirts! I think that typically women have more clothes than men, so it will probably be longer before you run out of things.