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AIBU?

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Original poster

9 year old niece behaviour is problematic

76 replies

NavyFox · 14/10/2025 18:12

9 year old behaviour
Anybody else struggle with behaviour of their 9 Yr olds?

My niece is 9 years old and is becoming a problem with her behaviour.

The way she talks to me is so rude. I greeted her at the school gates with my sister and she rolled her eyes as she came to us. We asked her what the problem was and it was because I was there . She said I see her all the time. The last time I was at the school gates was 6 months ago but I do see them 1-2 times a week.
I ask her how her day was and she tells me to stop asking questions.
Other days , I tell her she looks lovely , she rolls her eyes and sneers at me.
She tells me to shut up, shouts at me etc in day to day conversation. For example, she fell off a zip line so I was encouraging her to have another go as she was upset. She did and I was saying hold on as she let go too soon on the previous go, she told me to shut up. My sister said I was embarrassing her.
I go to my sisters and park in the street. She's playing out with friends and ignores me. I shout her over and she runs off. Or I ask for help with carrying something and she says no.
I play a game with her and if I win she goes mad shouting and runs off.
I have been nothing but nice to her. I can only remember one occasion last year where I shouted at her as I'd had enough of listening to her being so obnoxious to her mum. But that's not the norm and I don't usually get involved.

She is not my child so I do not want to tell her off but it is getting to the stage where I will lose my rag with her. As I would if an adult spoke to me the way she does. Her dad doesn't like other people telling her off including my mum so I leave it. But I don't like the way she speaks to me.

My sister seems to have lost the will with her. I've noticed she just shouts and repeats herself all the time with her. She tells me she is just fed up with her behaviour and has given up.

I no longer enjoy being in her company. It feels like shes a naughty teenager!
I have a baby so I have not experienced this type of behaviour. Is this normal?!
Do other people experience this with 9yr olds?

OP posts:
Marmite1992 · 14/10/2025 18:15

It sounds like her dad is part of the problem not allowing other family members to tell her off. She's probably fully aware of that and acts up accordingly

Elsvieta · 14/10/2025 18:18

Tell her off. If her father objects, tell him you don't allow anyone to speak to you like that; don't apologise to him or soften it at all. You have your own relationship with her and are allowed to decide what you will tolerate.

MissyB1 · 14/10/2025 18:33

She needs parenting, but her dad won’t allow it and her mom has given up! I would keep my distance if I was you, and if your sister asks why just tell her. Try and see your sister without your niece though.

Mrsfeckwittery · 14/10/2025 18:38

Why not tell her that ‘well it’s not going to matter too much in future because you’re not very nice to me so I won’t want to see you anymore will I’
This is as much for her sake and might give her a moment to reflect on her behaviour because it’s not being held in check by her parents.

HollywentLightly · 14/10/2025 18:41

Honestly, as an adult I'd find you very overwhelming. Give the kid some space, let her come to you.

mbosnz · 14/10/2025 18:47

Well, as I see it, there are two possible paths.

  1. You (calmly) call her out on her rude behaviour. And then ignore her, until she interacts with you more pleasantly.
  2. You don't do things with her, or be around her, and let your sister know why. Because she and her husband are letting their daughter behave in a rude and unpleasant manner, and the consequence of their choice to do so, is that you don't want to be around her.
InfoSecInTheCity · 14/10/2025 18:53

There’s a few of issues here based on the info we have.

  1. her dad doesn’t want her telling off and mums given up, that’s unlikely to work out well long term.
  2. Straight after school at the gates/on the way home is not a good time to try to have a good conversation with lots of kids of this age. DD needed a window of being left alone immediately after school, 7hrs of noise and chaos from all the other kids, she was hungry which came out as hangry and she’d expelled a lot of mental and physical energy just keeping up with learning and friends all day. She needed 30 mins to refuel.
  3. Hormones are starting to play a part in behaviour, around Yr 5/ Yr 6we noticed a lot more social issues amongst the whole group of kids, they want to be seen a a bit more grown up but don’t know how to actually interact socially at that level, so what they might think is a bit sassy comes across as rude or aggressive.
MonteStory · 14/10/2025 18:54

I think 2 things are true at the same time

  1. you are being a bit embarrassing. At 9 she’s a bit young for being a ‘too cool’ teen but it happens to most of them eventually. Fussing when she fell off a zip wire or after a long school day, calling to her in front of all her friends - this is quite off putting for a kid going through the ‘cringe’ stage of puberty. It absolutely doesn’t excuse rudeness but as the adult you could read the room a bit.
  2. She is learning appropriate behaviour and is not being well guided. Her behaviour comes across as quite insecure.

i agree with those saying you should calmly call out her behaviour (this is not telling off so her dad can jog on). Tell her she is rude and you’ll talk to her when she’s ready to be polite. But equally I would back off a bit.

RedNine · 14/10/2025 18:56

You seem very in her face when you're with her.

Chill out a bit, stop all the quizzing and taking offence at her facial expressions. How cringe to her to be coo-eed by her lame auntie in the street in front of a friend. Stop that, it's embarrassing for her.

What's all this about feeling like you're going to shout at her like you would an adult? She's NINE.

AgnesX · 14/10/2025 18:58

Ignore her. And that means no favours, treats or presents. If she complains you make it clear that's why.

Bunnycat101 · 14/10/2025 19:05

I suspect your role is slightly confusing role for her- you’re obviously very close if you see her 1/2 times a week but you’re also not allowed to tell her off. A lot of people’s children are harder work for them than other adults but as a parent you have the full tools to tell them off or also know when to back off if they’re not at their best. You’re so close you probably do get a bit of that ‘safe adult backchat’.

A lot of 9 year olds are at that point where they’re starting to look to peers for validation, trying to be a bit older than they are and just trying to work out their place in the world. She might be being horrible but you also might be genuinely embarrassing her. I’d have no hesitation pointing out the effects of her behaviour though as she needs to understand her rudeness has an impact. It’s valuable learning and if no-one calls her out, there’s a risk it becomes much worse.

NorthernMum2021 · 14/10/2025 19:10

I think a lot of your examples you could let go. But when she's being very rude eg telling you to shut up, I don't think there's anything wrong with saying 'that's not a nice way to speak to me' or 'don't speak to me like that, please'.

HarbourClankCat · 14/10/2025 19:19

That’s a lot of big behaviour from a 9-year-old. I’d withdraw from interacting with her a bit. Are you in her space a lot?

I’d also call her out on it calmly. I still remember my grandma telling me at 13 she loved me but my attitude at the time made her feel it was best I didn't go over that weekend as it wasn’t making anyone happy. It was a dawning moment for me when I realised I had been a quite a bit of a shit.

QuickPeachPoet · 14/10/2025 19:28

This is not age related - it's shit parenting related.
Her teenage years are going to be fun!

MumChp · 14/10/2025 19:30

Step back. Leave them to it. Their daughter their circus.

Glowingup · 14/10/2025 19:37

Ignore her from now on unless she speaks to you politely in which case answer briefly. Pointedly say that you’re there to see your sister, not her, if she says anything about seeing you too often. Sounds like rubbish parenting and she sounds attention seeking. I couldn’t be bothered with any of that. Oh and don’t go to pick her up after school.

Spinaltapped · 14/10/2025 19:39

She's very rude - this isn't standard 9 year old behaviour.

I think you need to engage less, and as othees have said, call her out if she's rude to you.

She've very young to have this Kevin the teenager attitude, not helped by such parenting. She's not likely to be much of a role model to your child, so I don't think you have much to lose by pulling back a lot from her.

So I wouldn't go to school pick up, if she's playing outside when you go to visit your sister, don't engage with her.

if she notices, then she'll realise there are consequences to her behaviour, if she doesn't, at least you've avoided unpleasant interactions with her.

Irenesortof · 14/10/2025 19:42

Maybe she is annoyed because you keep trying to please her. I'd stop doing that, say hello in a neutral way, chat to your sister and only engage with the child if she starts a conversation with you. She sounds upset and angry but it probably isn't really much to do with you. Give her a break and listen carefully to what she decides to tell you.

user1471538275 · 14/10/2025 19:49

Just give her some space.

Why did you call her over when she was playing? Why did you expect her to stop what she was doing for your sake?

Why are you at her house quite that often? 1-2 times a week is too often to always be on best behaviour around relatives, especially if you are worn out after school .

As above PPs just ignore her. Let her come to you. You might find better interactions that way.

Testingthetimes · 14/10/2025 19:53

This isn’t normal behaviour at all.
I have preteens- they know their family love them and are special in their lives. Kids can be in a grump or whatever and not want to engage with a family member but that’s all circumstantial. It happens that my mum arrives and my child is upset because I won’t let them watch TV wnd they sulk and my mum can see it’s ‘a bad time’ and doesn’t engage too much,

but what you are talking about is much bigger than that. It’s a child who hasn’t been taught how to respect and interact with others. I can’t see how it will get better. I’d honestly ignore her. I’d be tempted to tell her ‘I love you, but each interaction we have feels horrible- if you ever want me, then just come to me’ and then I’d back well off.
yoi don’t need to force a relationship with her.

good speed to the parents!

FieldOfBeans · 14/10/2025 20:05

Tell her off. If her dad moans, tell him off too. Little shit.

orangetriangle · 14/10/2025 20:08

l have a 7 year old niece and neither myself or my sister would let her behave like this would def call her out for rudeness

SatanicSanity · 14/10/2025 20:27

OP you sound like too much hard work, give the child a break and stop the pointless questions etc. I suspect you never know when to stop talking.

I bet if you stick to talking to your sister and not your niece when outside the house things would be fine. Some adults are way too in kids faces trying to be their friends when they aren’t and are never going to be.

Original poster
NavyFox · 14/10/2025 20:36

SatanicSanity · 14/10/2025 20:27

OP you sound like too much hard work, give the child a break and stop the pointless questions etc. I suspect you never know when to stop talking.

I bet if you stick to talking to your sister and not your niece when outside the house things would be fine. Some adults are way too in kids faces trying to be their friends when they aren’t and are never going to be.

I don't want to be her friend or even play with her , I'm there to see my sister. The time i mentioned playing with her on here was when she asked me to. However, I will always say hello and try to make an effort as i would with anyone I know, child or adult. Any interaction with her is negative.
I haven't taken her out for 2 years because the last time i took her out to walk some alpacas she kicked off big time. She told them she hated them because they kept stopping to eat grass. All the other kids there loved it. It was so embarrassing and I've never bothered since. I did have a big row with my sister about it as my niece refused to apologise for her behaviour. The owner of the alpaca farm was not impressed. Again, that's just another example!
This type of behaviour is not just with me , other people have commented.

OP posts:
Foreverwipingcounters · 14/10/2025 20:38

Could it be that she wants more one to one time with her Mum and feels that you are blocking that? I'd give them some space.