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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dry texter or flaky ghoster?

64 replies

enkelt2 · 14/10/2025 17:50

Once again I'm in need of Mumsnet's wisdom... too embarrassed to ask people IRL about this.

So I met this guy three months ago in a full-time, month-long course. During the course there was barely any time to hang out 1-1. But we managed to hang out alone twice before the course ended, once a breakfast thing, and the second a market foods + drinks thing (both his invitation). Right before he flew back to his country, he texted me privately for the first time (we have a group chat).

Then a week later, I decided to text him, just a casual chat about the course. Initially he was quite dry, like literally 'Hi, how are you' as if we were meeting for the first time. Then, eventually, it became 3-5 messages per 1-2 days from both of us, but not a live chat. I would say it wasn't flirty, just friendly.

It got to the point where... he practically invited me to his city. I showed him my calendar and he wrote down his city in the holiday times.

I wasn't sure how many days of my holiday we were gonna meet up (I was expecting maybe 1 full Saturday + a dinner or something). Then he made it clear that he'd show me around pretty much every day after work (almost his exact words).

He also asked me to tell him the hotel name, my flight arrival time and airport.

Well, since I sent him the time and airport, he's not replied for a week. I followed up with, Do you know when we'll meet? I can plan around that. Again silence for 2 days.

So... uhm, have I met a majestic ghoster whose suggestion has cost me at least £1k? I mean, I was gonna visit the city anyway, there are lots to do. But still... I wonder what's going on. If it helps, his texting has always been literal: full sentences with correct punctuation and perfect grammar. To the point and effective.

To make it clear, no, we have not done anything remotely intimate. And no, he's not from the UK. His city is about 3.5hrs away.

Don't need any psychoanalysis but would appreciate any insights!

OP posts:
Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 17:52

Third option: not very interested

Fernie6491 · 14/10/2025 17:52

Sounds like he invited you, to be polite, but didn't expect you to take him up on it !

Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 17:52

You are quite astoundingly naive OP. Vulnerable in fact.

Pomegranatecarnage · 14/10/2025 17:52

That’s so disappointing for you. Cut your losses now and don’t text again. He is probably in a relationship. Hopefully you’ll still have a wonderful time.

Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 17:54

Is this the chap who pissed in a park whilst with you?

Connected1 · 14/10/2025 17:55

Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 17:52

You are quite astoundingly naive OP. Vulnerable in fact.

Why on earth would you think that?
It's not like she's going to move to his city and live with him!

Brightbluesomething · 14/10/2025 17:55

So he got all excited about the prospect of seeing you and flirting a bit but once reality set in he’s ghosted you. Typical man. It’s not usual. What is unusual is that you didn’t see it.
He’s not that into you. Likely in a relationship. Block him and move on.

Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 17:55

Connected1 · 14/10/2025 17:55

Why on earth would you think that?
It's not like she's going to move to his city and live with him!

Call it spidey senses

enkelt2 · 14/10/2025 17:56

@Yoyotux Thankfully no.

Well, thank god he lives in a majestic city that I've not visited before. But still, one wonders why all the work to lead me on. And if the flight info just made it too concrete.

OP posts:
enkelt2 · 14/10/2025 18:11

Fernie6491 · 14/10/2025 17:52

Sounds like he invited you, to be polite, but didn't expect you to take him up on it !

I mean. He's done a lot more than just 'being polite.' He says he'd take me to places other than the ones I listed. He asked my accommodation. I'm genuinely confused--what's in it for him? Not to be crass but at this point if I were him I'd try to get laid, last day of my journey.

Oh well, lesson learned though.

OP posts:
Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 18:17

Have you told people in RL about going away to visit your boyfriend / someone you’re seeing?

enkelt2 · 14/10/2025 18:18

Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 18:17

Have you told people in RL about going away to visit your boyfriend / someone you’re seeing?

I did, although I told them he's a friend... which until today I do consider him to be one.

OP posts:
Plump82 · 14/10/2025 18:22

Can you change your accommodation? Id be nervous about someone who acts like this knowing where I was staying.

enkelt2 · 14/10/2025 18:23

Plump82 · 14/10/2025 18:22

Can you change your accommodation? Id be nervous about someone who acts like this knowing where I was staying.

He cannot find out the precise info. I only gave him the neighbourhoods.

OP posts:
Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 18:23

he practically invited me to his city.

but not actually?

so you have hung out alone twice on this course. And that’s it?

enkelt2 · 14/10/2025 18:24

Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 18:23

he practically invited me to his city.

but not actually?

so you have hung out alone twice on this course. And that’s it?

Edited

You are right. He didn't say 'come here,' but he marked my calendar. After that he then said all the promising things about showing me around. And confirmed dates, accommodation, etc.

OP posts:
Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 18:25

He “almost” said he’d show you around his city?

Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 18:25

Nationality? I am going to guess Italian

enkelt2 · 14/10/2025 18:26

Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 18:25

Nationality? I am going to guess Italian

If Italian... well.... what does it say about this situation...

OP posts:
Mydahliasareshit · 14/10/2025 18:27

Maybe it all got a bit too real to him, or could it be your communications are making it clear you're hoping for a relationship but he's already involved?

Possibly he's worried people he knows will see you together out on the town?

enkelt2 · 14/10/2025 18:27

Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 18:25

He “almost” said he’d show you around his city?

This part was certain, he said it, and then he said, he'll take me to places other than the standard tourist list I showed him. This he said twice.

OP posts:
Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 18:28

enkelt2 · 14/10/2025 18:26

If Italian... well.... what does it say about this situation...

Tendency to get carried away!

OP, I’m half Italian. This man is ghosting you because he can’t actually believe you have seen this through.

Id go, enjoy (what city?) and put him to back of mind.

I would wager he has a love interest that’s brewing

enkelt2 · 14/10/2025 18:29

Mydahliasareshit · 14/10/2025 18:27

Maybe it all got a bit too real to him, or could it be your communications are making it clear you're hoping for a relationship but he's already involved?

Possibly he's worried people he knows will see you together out on the town?

Sigh. I should think I was very careful on that front. I didn't mention anything like that, and texts are all factual, 0% flirty. He himself told me that one of the rooms is in his neighbourhood.

OP posts:
Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 18:29

enkelt2 · 14/10/2025 18:27

This part was certain, he said it, and then he said, he'll take me to places other than the standard tourist list I showed him. This he said twice.

Yes OP now you have confirmed Italian I am honestly not least bit surprised

Probably one of my cousins 🤭

Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 18:30

enkelt2 · 14/10/2025 18:29

Sigh. I should think I was very careful on that front. I didn't mention anything like that, and texts are all factual, 0% flirty. He himself told me that one of the rooms is in his neighbourhood.

So if 100% factual and no flirting, why were you saying he’d want to get a lay out of the trip?

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