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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Dry texter or flaky ghoster?

64 replies

enkelt2 · 14/10/2025 17:50

Once again I'm in need of Mumsnet's wisdom... too embarrassed to ask people IRL about this.

So I met this guy three months ago in a full-time, month-long course. During the course there was barely any time to hang out 1-1. But we managed to hang out alone twice before the course ended, once a breakfast thing, and the second a market foods + drinks thing (both his invitation). Right before he flew back to his country, he texted me privately for the first time (we have a group chat).

Then a week later, I decided to text him, just a casual chat about the course. Initially he was quite dry, like literally 'Hi, how are you' as if we were meeting for the first time. Then, eventually, it became 3-5 messages per 1-2 days from both of us, but not a live chat. I would say it wasn't flirty, just friendly.

It got to the point where... he practically invited me to his city. I showed him my calendar and he wrote down his city in the holiday times.

I wasn't sure how many days of my holiday we were gonna meet up (I was expecting maybe 1 full Saturday + a dinner or something). Then he made it clear that he'd show me around pretty much every day after work (almost his exact words).

He also asked me to tell him the hotel name, my flight arrival time and airport.

Well, since I sent him the time and airport, he's not replied for a week. I followed up with, Do you know when we'll meet? I can plan around that. Again silence for 2 days.

So... uhm, have I met a majestic ghoster whose suggestion has cost me at least £1k? I mean, I was gonna visit the city anyway, there are lots to do. But still... I wonder what's going on. If it helps, his texting has always been literal: full sentences with correct punctuation and perfect grammar. To the point and effective.

To make it clear, no, we have not done anything remotely intimate. And no, he's not from the UK. His city is about 3.5hrs away.

Don't need any psychoanalysis but would appreciate any insights!

OP posts:
Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 18:31

Not to be crass but at this point if I were him I'd try to get laid, last day of my journey.

why? When zero flirting and all contact 100% factual?

enkelt2 · 14/10/2025 18:32

Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 18:30

So if 100% factual and no flirting, why were you saying he’d want to get a lay out of the trip?

Well. You're right. I just thought all this chatter was intentional.

OP posts:
enkelt2 · 14/10/2025 18:34

Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 18:28

Tendency to get carried away!

OP, I’m half Italian. This man is ghosting you because he can’t actually believe you have seen this through.

Id go, enjoy (what city?) and put him to back of mind.

I would wager he has a love interest that’s brewing

😂So... the texting was all the fun he needed and wanted? That's an astonishingly huge waste of time, at least I am getting a trip out of this...😂😂

OP posts:
Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 18:42

enkelt2 · 14/10/2025 18:34

😂So... the texting was all the fun he needed and wanted? That's an astonishingly huge waste of time, at least I am getting a trip out of this...😂😂

He did it when waiting for the train, in a queue for groceries, waiting for the lift etc.

Im sorry op but to be fair if a single Italian man is 100% not flirting and ALL factual - it’s unlikely that he actually wants to get laid or sees this as anything remotely sexual.

if in doubt, an Italian man will flirt.

Enjoy. What city? Might be able to recommend some places

enkelt2 · 14/10/2025 18:46

Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 18:42

He did it when waiting for the train, in a queue for groceries, waiting for the lift etc.

Im sorry op but to be fair if a single Italian man is 100% not flirting and ALL factual - it’s unlikely that he actually wants to get laid or sees this as anything remotely sexual.

if in doubt, an Italian man will flirt.

Enjoy. What city? Might be able to recommend some places

Fair enough. Thanks for painting the picture, that makes it very concrete. 😂

OP posts:
Yoyotux · 14/10/2025 18:47

You’ll have a cracking time op

iamnotalemon · 14/10/2025 19:52

Yeah it sounds like he’s got massively cold feet. What an idiot. Just go and enjoy your holiday and I wouldn’t be texting him again that’s for sure!! Honestly, it’s so exhausting dealing with these man children.

TheCowgirl · 14/10/2025 21:19

He didn’t think you would actually do it! He enjoyed the flirting but when push comes to shove, hes dove the typical Italian guy thing & backed off. BUT don’t be surprised if, when you arrive there, he turns up —for sex—. Up to you how you play it, but I went out with an Italian guy once & they are hard work! Just enjoy the city, chalk it down to experience, and don’t get involved if you don’t want a life of second guessing a manchild!

Anewketchup · 15/10/2025 13:38

Did you discuss visiting his city before booking

or did you book and then tell him?

enkelt2 · 15/10/2025 17:33

Anewketchup · 15/10/2025 13:38

Did you discuss visiting his city before booking

or did you book and then tell him?

Well, he made an edit to my calendar and wrote down his city, and was like, Let me know what you think of this plan. I then announced that 'I already booked the tickets'. To be fair, his city's been on the list anyway, meeting up was just something extra.

OP posts:
enkelt2 · 15/10/2025 17:36

He clearly won this one, and I might not be ready to let it go for some time, because honestly, this was a whole nother level. I don't get what thrill he gets out of this if he was never serious?! Contribution to tourist tax? A bet with his friend? Entertainment during queues? (Minimal) emotional labour (there was barely any and our energy matched)? He's 40 btw, should find this uninteresting?! Anyway...

OP posts:
Anewketchup · 15/10/2025 17:37

enkelt2 · 15/10/2025 17:33

Well, he made an edit to my calendar and wrote down his city, and was like, Let me know what you think of this plan. I then announced that 'I already booked the tickets'. To be fair, his city's been on the list anyway, meeting up was just something extra.

I’m confused

why did you open your calendar up to him to edit?

Anewketchup · 15/10/2025 17:38

enkelt2 · 15/10/2025 17:36

He clearly won this one, and I might not be ready to let it go for some time, because honestly, this was a whole nother level. I don't get what thrill he gets out of this if he was never serious?! Contribution to tourist tax? A bet with his friend? Entertainment during queues? (Minimal) emotional labour (there was barely any and our energy matched)? He's 40 btw, should find this uninteresting?! Anyway...

As pp said… messaging a couple of times a day just filled those empty mins when you’re in a queue etc.

A mild distraction, he thought just all a bit fanciful and you on same page, and is now 😮 that it’s turned in to reality and no longer the mild distraction it was.

I wouldnt give him another thought

enkelt2 · 15/10/2025 17:40

Anewketchup · 15/10/2025 17:37

I’m confused

why did you open your calendar up to him to edit?

Well, I was just showing him what my holidays look like as we work the same job.

OP posts:
enkelt2 · 15/10/2025 17:43

Anewketchup · 15/10/2025 17:38

As pp said… messaging a couple of times a day just filled those empty mins when you’re in a queue etc.

A mild distraction, he thought just all a bit fanciful and you on same page, and is now 😮 that it’s turned in to reality and no longer the mild distraction it was.

I wouldnt give him another thought

Thanks... still. I thought the quite concrete, elaborate promises were totally unnecessary. He literally wrote 'I will help you (with planning)' 'I promise I will take you to nice cafes' etc. and more promises. And asking about airport, time, dates, etc...
Oh well, all I lost was a tour guide.😂

OP posts:
Anewketchup · 15/10/2025 17:45

enkelt2 · 15/10/2025 17:40

Well, I was just showing him what my holidays look like as we work the same job.

And you have join edit permissions… hope you’ve changed that setting!

So before sharing, you had already booked your flights but hadn’t put it in your diary yet? And when he then edited your diary to say his city, you surprised him with the news that you actually had booked flights over?

enkelt2 · 15/10/2025 17:48

Anewketchup · 15/10/2025 17:45

And you have join edit permissions… hope you’ve changed that setting!

So before sharing, you had already booked your flights but hadn’t put it in your diary yet? And when he then edited your diary to say his city, you surprised him with the news that you actually had booked flights over?

Hahaha, nonono, it's just a photo, so he edited digitally then sent it back to me.
So I already had a plan to travel somewhere, I was just deciding between two cities, one with him, one with no one I knew. So when he gave the green light, I sort of just decided to go to his city. I did book after he made the 'suggestion', but I gave him sort of a vague message: 'I already booked the tickets'... I guess he couldn't tell if I booked because of his suggestion or not.

OP posts:
Anewketchup · 15/10/2025 17:53

enkelt2 · 15/10/2025 17:48

Hahaha, nonono, it's just a photo, so he edited digitally then sent it back to me.
So I already had a plan to travel somewhere, I was just deciding between two cities, one with him, one with no one I knew. So when he gave the green light, I sort of just decided to go to his city. I did book after he made the 'suggestion', but I gave him sort of a vague message: 'I already booked the tickets'... I guess he couldn't tell if I booked because of his suggestion or not.

This is all a bit … well weird op

I suspect in a very typical Italian style he threw out some suggestions but with little expectation they’d come to fruition. You seem to have booked flights to his city without mentioning to him before despite being in contact with him 2-3x a day, which is somewhat peculiar behaviour

Mealy82 · 15/10/2025 17:55

Can I guess: Istanbul? I've known a couple of women get messed around by Turkish men

Anewketchup · 15/10/2025 17:56

You say you booked after his suggestion but then
Well, he made an edit to my calendar and wrote down his city, and was like, Let me know what you think of this plan. I then announced that 'I already booked the tickets'.

Either way op, enjoy your holiday and perhaps be a little more transparent with someone that you’re messaging multiple
Times a day before actually
Spanking a £1k on visiting their city!

Anewketchup · 15/10/2025 17:56

Mealy82 · 15/10/2025 17:55

Can I guess: Istanbul? I've known a couple of women get messed around by Turkish men

Italian confirmed

enkelt2 · 15/10/2025 18:04

Anewketchup · 15/10/2025 17:53

This is all a bit … well weird op

I suspect in a very typical Italian style he threw out some suggestions but with little expectation they’d come to fruition. You seem to have booked flights to his city without mentioning to him before despite being in contact with him 2-3x a day, which is somewhat peculiar behaviour

Hahha yeah I agree. Weird. I would say he cemented my decision to go there, and tbh if he didn't say he'd meet me, I might have chosen another city. But I didn't want to make him think that I am going just for him (I am not!!), and I honestly didn't expect him to 'show me around whenever he's not at work' (his words). So I wasn't expecting a big romantic engagement and it wasn't going to be a co-planning thing... That's why it's not announced prior to his suggestion.

Anyway... yes... thanks, I sure will enjoy it!

Let's just say £1k is also a fee to pay for getting one extra data point on (Italian) male behaviour. 😅

OP posts:
Sadworld23 · 15/10/2025 19:10

Brightbluesomething · 14/10/2025 17:55

So he got all excited about the prospect of seeing you and flirting a bit but once reality set in he’s ghosted you. Typical man. It’s not usual. What is unusual is that you didn’t see it.
He’s not that into you. Likely in a relationship. Block him and move on.

This. Absolutely this.
Move on
.

cunningartificer · 15/10/2025 19:52

I can absolutely see this from the other side… wife/girlfriend “you what…? You said you’d meet her at the airport?” Hapless Italian man “just a work colleague, look at the texts”, wife/girlfriend “you’re absolutely crazy if you don’t think she wants something more look you’ve really led her on” Italian man: “it’s nothing! Look I’m not even replying at all… ”!

enkelt2 · 15/10/2025 20:44

cunningartificer · 15/10/2025 19:52

I can absolutely see this from the other side… wife/girlfriend “you what…? You said you’d meet her at the airport?” Hapless Italian man “just a work colleague, look at the texts”, wife/girlfriend “you’re absolutely crazy if you don’t think she wants something more look you’ve really led her on” Italian man: “it’s nothing! Look I’m not even replying at all… ”!

ahahahha this made my day ty. Just add the Italian gestures and it sounds very real. 😂

OP posts:
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