To still be deeply upset by this comment

[DeepRubySwan]

My DH and I have been together for 26 years since I was 20 (and he was 27). He has alot of great qualities and is a great father but can have dark moods and be very insensitive to my feelings. We have a largely sexless relationship due to his very low libido. We have two children 17 and 10.

I am close to leaving and I have been for some time over many things. A comment he made 8 years ago deeply wounded me and I have never been able to get over it.

He said that I 'dress like a slut ' and that other people probably think this too (specifically other mothers). When I became upset he refused to apologise and said that 'all the women at his work' would have found this comment funny and dealt with it just fine and I was over reacting. He was angry that I was upset.

My feelings for him changed that day. For what it's worth I don't dress like that. I wear the same clothes other women wear and try to be elegant and put together. There have been other horrible comments but that's the worst. I just can't get over it.

Part of me thinks I should get over it. AIBU?

You should leave , festering on an awful comment for 8 years isn't healthy. He sounds cruel.

20 and 27? He certainly knew what he was doing! Leave OP, cruel comment aside, do you really want to be in a sexless relationship for the rest of your life?

You deserve so much more. Go and find happiness and peace.

I think that's a really horrible comment and it says a lot about him that he would say something like that to you. In the context of an otherwise great relationship, you might be able to shrug it off as a stupid joke but it doesn't sound like your relationship is great and if there have been other nasty comments then that's a pattern of behaviour. If you're close to leaving, there's probably a good reason for that. Have you started thinking about how you will divide your assets and manage financially? That's your next step, and good legal advice.

I voted YABU because I can't understand how you've let a comment fester for 8 years without doing something about it.

It was a horrible thing for him to say and he said it deliberately to be cruel. And no, of course 'the women at his work' wouldn't have found it funny. Nobody would. He said it to hurt you - and it worked, because it's still simmering under the surface eight years later.

However - this is obviously about a lot more than just this comment, isn't it? He sounds like a really unpleasant man - more like a horrible oppressive presence hanging over you than a husband. I think this particular comment has stuck in your mind so much because it was the straw that broke the camel's back. It wasn't the first bad/abusive thing he'd said/done, but it was the one that just made you think 'Enough'.

I really hope you can get away from him very soon. Have you got a plan in place? What's the timescale for trying to extricate yourself from what sounds like a really horrible situation?

That's a fucking vile comment and I'm surprised other posters aren't more horrified. If he really calls the women at work "sluts" then no, they don't find it remotely funny and he's going to end up being sacked. They probably call him the office tosser. Do you want your kids to hear their mother being degraded in this way? Leave him OP.

I cannot think of one woman that I know who would find being told they 'dressed like a slut' funny. However I do know many men who ignore everything that women say and imagine that they hear everyone laughing at their carefully crafted witicisms.

Wishing you strength to get away. There's a life for you beyond this man, you know.

I couldn't get past a comment like that either OP. I know for a fact my husband would never speak to me like that and if he did it would be an instant ick.

It's misogynist, which means he probably is. And the age gap backs that up.

Just leave and have a happy life.

Sounds like your relationship finished when he made that comment, strange you stayed, leave him.

I could have no love, like or respect for a man that spoke that way. YANBU.

Lifenis short op. Don't waste more years on him. Leave and grab a chance of peace and happiness.

Its all very well all these people saying leave but sometimes its not that easy, especially when there are kids involved.

Horrible nasty man.
7 years between you, when you were 20?
Sleazy creep too.
Stop trying to get over it.
He's scum.
Time to put your energy into leaving.
I'd never forgive that.

Spot on. OP, it is highly likely that women at his work think he’s a moron if he thinks it’s fine to say his wife dresses like a slut. I tend to get angry rather than upset and if my DH had said that (not that I think he would talk like that) his world would have exploded. He should have apologised abjectly and been grateful that you didn’t hit the roof.

8 years isn’t that long, I think, to still be upset by a comment like that. Someone upset me over a (much less significant) issue 16 years ago and it still rankles if I’m honest.

Completely agree. Frankly you should have left some time ago when the “dark moods” started.
No need to put up with that and no need to have tried to get over a deeply wounding comment for 8 years.
leave him - what a vile man

And by the way OP there are plenty of men out there with “great qualities” who would never make a comment like that particularly to someone they professed to love?

I leave him op and move on.
I was once told by an ex boss that i dont dress very lady like and men wont find me attractive i should try harder with my outfits.
I slept with his wife 2 months later after i found a new job no regrets.

"7 years between you, when you were 20?
Sleazy creep too."

When I was 19 I was living with a fellow student who was 27. We were together very happily until he died suddenly, 9 years later. An age gap does of 7 years does not have to be "sleazy".

They say that a marriage is like death by 1000 cuts. Make this the last one.
The lack of sex would have sent me running for the hills years ago but this is awful.
Single life is peaceful and calm. I think you’ll like it.

Harsh. Mine were 22 and 31 when they married and were fine for more than 50 years.

This is ridiculous. Not that long ago it was usual for men to be a little older, establishes, more money behind them. People can sort themselves out. When I was 20 I fell head over heels for a 31 yr old. We had a fine time till he said he wasn't keen on students or loud music. I was both. Reader, I chucked him.

That’s a very aggressive remark and you should run

there's obviously more to it than that commment but it sounds like that was a turning point for you.

What leaps out of your post is that you said he's angry that you are upset.

People can't usually just turn off being upset. You have a right to feel what you feel. A concerned person would want to help you solve that feeling.

What kind of anger is it and how does it present?