To tell you that saying "kindly" or "with kindness" or "gently" makes you sound like a total pain in the arse of a person

[valianttortoise]

Well I'm telling you anyway

I agree, it is incredibly patronising. An exception is when someone is genuinely panicking or anxious and someone is genuinely being kind and trying to make them see things clearly as happens on some MN posts. 99% of the time it’s not used this way.

I agree with this.

People generally get very defensive and lose the ability to actually take on any advice if they think you are saying 'you are an idiot and a bad parent' which is why people try and couch what they are saying, because some people genuinely dont absorb any advice unless you dress it up nice for them. Its not how it should work, but thats the way the world works.
For some people, any absence of you trying to soften your advice with words and phrases like this, is then interpretated as you 'having a go" and telling them what to do/not being supportive. Anyone whose worked as a people manager can probably attest to this....

Agreed, it's 'no offence but' in pretty #bekind packaging.

"Gentle reminders" that aren't even needed because it's still several days before the thing even needs doing are the worst though.

This very morning I saw a reply on a group starting "I say this with love, but...."

And then berated the person they were talking to

I often find the people most annoyed by it are grumpy and miserable people. Oh, well, whatcha gonna do.

Yes, parenting is another good example.

I think it's just when you know something is hard to hear but might be genuinely useful info to the person, it is a way of trying to soften it. Doesn't always work, depending on whether or not the assumptions you have made are correct and how sensitive the person receiving the advice is.

It doesn't work at all if your reason for communicating the thing is to show your disapproval for the person and essentially chastise them, which is how a lot of people do give feedback, which I think is why we tend to receive it that way.

I'm wondering how often you are 'kindly' or 'gently' telling people things in order to have come to this conclusion!

I don't think I ever use the term. I either tell them straight, find a way to actually say it kindly, or not say anything at all.

You don't have to write it a lot to come to that conclusion – you just have to be here to read.

As others have said – I've said it once or twice when the OP seems particularly vulnerable or anxious, but also would benefit from a straight answer.

There have been a number of posts like this one on AIBU over the last few months and they are always so ridiculously annoyed by it. You also get people commenting on it quite viciously on other posts if it's said.

Yes, they seem very miserable and grumpy.

Quick reminder, or just a reminder works as well without patronising.

Not quite in the same vein, but a bit like "I'm not being funny but...." which usually means "I'm about to be extremely funny but I've said I'm not so that negates all the extreme funniness I'm about to say"

Yes. It's just like "with respect" it means the exact opposite.