To leave?

[KiKiStartsOver]

My partner of almost six years is not someone I want to spend my life with anymore. We have a toddler. Please tell me things will get better when I leave and I won’t be ruining her life.

I am broken by his behaviour but it breaks me even more to think I’d have to spend time apart from my child. There’s no easy answer.

Your child needs to see you happy and not trapped in an unhealthy relationship. Do you have RL support? Are you safe?

I have family support but they’re hours away. We moved here to be closer to his kids.

Safe? I don’t feel it. I don’t think he’d be stupid enough to really hurt me, but when he’s angry, he’s out of control so I can’t be sure. I don’t think he’d deliberately hurt the children.

She’s just too young for me to leave with him. I think he’d start drinking again if I wasn’t here (he’s a recently recovering alcoholic) and I am so afraid she’d get hurt through his neglect.

Its not your responsibility if he'd start drinking again, none of your concern what he'd do if you left.

Your concern is you and your children. Concentrate on you, do you have a way out

I was so stupid to believe his lies. I have given him so many second chances and he always lets me down and now I’m stuck and so is my beautiful innocent daughter.

So you leave. Get proper legal advice. You may be able to get supervised visitation.

I don’t care if he hurts himself through drinking (if he died we’d be better off) but I am absolutely terrified he’d crash with her in the car or she’d die as a result of drunken neglect.

Dont leave the child with him then.

He hasn’t done anything really bad because I’ve always been here to stop it from happening.

Is it as simple as that though? He has equal rights to her. He’s on the birth certificate. He only sees his other children every other weekend so I hope he’d accept that with her too.

But you’re unhappy. So you need to leave. You don’t trust him so get proper legal advice.

The house is mostly mine (uneven shares) but he’s destroyed it, ripped up the garden and doors, ruined the paintwork. It needs a new kitchen and bathroom. I don’t have savings to make it presentable for sale and if we break up he’ll stop contributing anything and I can’t afford the mortgage alone.

I wish he would just disappear. I know he’d make my life hell for as long as he possibly could.

This is no way to live. Please seek legal advice.

I can accept now that he’s abusive. I’ve been in denial about it for a long time.

I feel so trapped and I don’t see how I am going to get out of this. I know my rights, I know I can call the police next time he kicks off and he’d be on bail from the house. But then he’d stop paying anything and it’d be repossessed and destroy my credit rating. I can’t see how I can get out without losing my investment and my future.

I need a deposit and credit score to pay for a home for me and my child. I earn too much to receive benefits I think. But not enough to cover all the household bills and nursery alone.

I really don’t think legal advice is going to do anything. He’s got significant amounts of money in the bank so could easily pay for an expensive lawyer if I got one.

He’s a very big, strong and threatening man. A child can’t stand up to him.

Then you need to speak to WomensAid and report his abuse to the police.

Do you have parents or any other family members nearby where you and your child can stay?

You don’t want to be with him. So legal advice would set out where you stand. You sound scared of him. So legal advice would help you ascertain how to protect your child.

No I don’t. We moved hours away from my home to be near his kids from his first marriage. His ex despises him. He always said she cheated and maybe she did, but now he constantly accuses me of cheating too, so I don’t know.

He is controlling, threatening, emotionally abusive but he’s not violent in any way that’d be convicted.

Legal advice isn’t a magic bullet. He has rights to see his child, he has rights to stop me moving, he has far more money for legal action and advice if that’s the road I go down. He will fight me on absolutely everything he can.

I can’t let him know I’m planning to leave.

He acts like he hates me and I’m pretty sure he’s using prostitutes but he doesn’t want to separate because he likes the facade of having a family. And I pay most of the bills and do most of the housework (though it’s never enough to him).

Threats, emotional abuse and coercive control are criminal offences.

You really do need to speak to WomensAid and get some legal advice re: finances, what benefits you could be entitled to etc.

I’m sorry you’re in this position and he sounds awful. But you need to do what’s right for you and your child. You need to prioritise your child’s wellbeing and safety. By doing that, you need to leave the relationship.

It’s important that you leave the relationship as safely as possible, which is why you need legal advice, the help and support from WomensAid and the police.

I’m not entitled to benefits except child benefit, and would get single occupancy council tax discount. I’m a professional with a decent career who has let an absolute loser take over her life.

I don’t want to stay in this area. He won’t help with nursery costs or drop offs to deliberately stop me from being able to work (my role requires travel), whereas I’d have family help at home. I am so scared I’ll end up trapped and penniless whilst he tries to poison her against me. He’s absolutely vile about his ex to his older kids.