To leave?

[KiKiStartsOver]

My partner of almost six years is not someone I want to spend my life with anymore. We have a toddler. Please tell me things will get better when I leave and I won’t be ruining her life.

My step kids are wonderful with DD but I worry they won’t always be around to look after her, nor should it be their responsibility. And once they’re old enough to decide, I doubt they’ll see him, though he doesn’t realise that yet.

Legal advice doesn’t have to mean that you have lawyers that fight each other. It can mean that you see someone to find out your rights so you know what to negotiate for.

Can you not pay the mortgage while you wait for a house sale? Surely selling it at a lower price due to its state would be better than letting it be repossessed. Depends how much of the mortgage you have paid off though as lowering the price could put you in negative equity. Could you get the house valued without him knowing?

Our mortgage is almost 2k a month, plus all the household bills and nursery, no I couldn’t afford to pay it by myself. I have no savings because I’ve always paid the lion’s share of everything (came into the relationship with 30k savings but it’s all gone). He’s recently had an inheritance but won’t spend it on the house. The house is a complete wreck due to him starting work but never finishing anything.

I already know my rights. We’re not married, he owes me nothing financially.

I could get it valued. According to Zoopla its gained nothing in the past three years since we bought.

Can you move away near your family for support?

I hope you can move closer to your original support network.

Your life will definitely be better away from someone you are not happy with.x

Might be worth speaking to the mortgage company to see if you can have a payment holiday or convert it to an interest only while you sell.
Have you tried the citizens advice bureau? I hope someone can give you advice on how to be able to leave without it financially ruining you.

He won’t let me go easily. I’d need to do it in secret.

I know I sound pathetic but I’m quite competent in every other aspect of my life. I can’t believe I’ve let myself and my daughter down so badly as to be with someone like him. I know he’s going to do everything he can to destroy me. If he treats someone he supposedly loves like this, imagine how he’ll treat someone he openly hates.

I had a mortgage holiday whilst on maternity leave (he wouldn’t contribute anything) and the provider only allows one every two years. I could try for interest only. I think that’d only be a few hundred off though sadly.

I’ve just gone downstairs to assess the damage I could hear earlier (it’s safe - I can hear snoring from the sofa) and he’s ripped a drawer front off in the kitchen and broken furniture by smashing it into a wall tonight, damaging the plaster. I don’t know how much this will cost to repair but it’ll be my fault for making him angry I expect so he won’t pay. This is what I’m up against and why the house is so awful.

Better off having no money and being safe with your daughter than staying with him. Stop making excuses to stay, I know it's hard but what kind of life have you got right now.

I’m not making excuses, I desperately want to leave, but I want to do it as safely as possible, in a way that allows us to have as good a home as possible. I’m very isolated. All of my friends despise him so I don’t see them anymore. If he makes the house unsellable, I am the one who loses out as the deposit was all mine and he has plenty of funds available. If I can’t afford to house my daughter, what if she ends up with him?

And yes I know he’d get bored of her and the responsibility eventually but I don’t want to do anything that’d risk him having any more access than necessary. I should probably have called the police earlier when he was smashing the house up. I am stupid.

He’s very angry at the moment, more so than usual, I believe because his ex wife is getting remarried

@KiKiStartsOver ok so you never called the police this time.
Speak to citizen advice .
Speak to women’s aid
Also a Solicitor or a few for half hour free advice .

I think I’d call the police next time he kicks off .
Then I’d worry about the rest .
I get and order to keep him out, apply for maintenance .

Are you able to take in a lodger ?
Would you be able to rent the house out full
time and move back to parents .

Do you work from home ( thinking not)
Are you able to get a transfer.
As soon as you start asking questions and getting answers it won’t feel so overwhelming .

I work from home sometimes, not always and not on consistent days. I think I need to find a new job but it’s hard in this climate (I’ve been applying and getting nowhere). I don’t think the house is in good enough order to rent out and honestly I’d rather not be a landlord from miles away. I could probably take in a lodger but I want to leave. I want a clean break from
him.

I need to sleep but I’m too full of adrenaline and fear.