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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Bullying or "girls being girls"? Do I intervene or leave?

31 replies

Thepontiacbanditsfurrydice · 13/10/2025 13:50

Not an AIBU really but posting for traffic because I'm worried. My DD (14) is at school with some girls who are (usually) periodically low level mean to her: throwaway comments about her appearance which usually stop short of actual bullying. They're very into make-up and grooming and beauty, my DD is quite immature in some ways, square and studious and not particularly interested in her looks or boys or dating (although I obviously think she's lovely). She's pretty happy with how she is and until now she's shrugged it off and considers them a bit laughable and she's asked me not to intervene.

Over the weekend my DD did a conditioning treatment on her hair which was very thick and sticky and after several washes her hair was still quite lank this morning (but clean). But she went into school feeling quite self-conscious that people were going to notice and comment on it. She overheard this group of girls in one of her classes laughing and saying her hair "made them feel nauseous" and she had "chip fat in her hair". Apparently every time she raised her hand in class to ask a question or respond to the teacher, they all theatrically laughed.

I know this sort of stuff happens a lot and my instinct up until now has been to tell her to ignore them, but I think this may have crossed a line: DD is very upset and says she doesn't feel comfortable being in this class with them any more: she wants to move class but without my saying why. I've said to her that if I ask for her to be moved, I'll have to give a reason, she says she's not comfortable with my giving the actual reason and wants me just to say she is struggling in the class (she's not).

Do I tell the teacher what's actually happening? Or do as my DD asks?

OP posts:
thehappyotterteacher · 14/10/2025 11:59

Thepontiacbanditsfurrydice · 13/10/2025 13:50

Not an AIBU really but posting for traffic because I'm worried. My DD (14) is at school with some girls who are (usually) periodically low level mean to her: throwaway comments about her appearance which usually stop short of actual bullying. They're very into make-up and grooming and beauty, my DD is quite immature in some ways, square and studious and not particularly interested in her looks or boys or dating (although I obviously think she's lovely). She's pretty happy with how she is and until now she's shrugged it off and considers them a bit laughable and she's asked me not to intervene.

Over the weekend my DD did a conditioning treatment on her hair which was very thick and sticky and after several washes her hair was still quite lank this morning (but clean). But she went into school feeling quite self-conscious that people were going to notice and comment on it. She overheard this group of girls in one of her classes laughing and saying her hair "made them feel nauseous" and she had "chip fat in her hair". Apparently every time she raised her hand in class to ask a question or respond to the teacher, they all theatrically laughed.

I know this sort of stuff happens a lot and my instinct up until now has been to tell her to ignore them, but I think this may have crossed a line: DD is very upset and says she doesn't feel comfortable being in this class with them any more: she wants to move class but without my saying why. I've said to her that if I ask for her to be moved, I'll have to give a reason, she says she's not comfortable with my giving the actual reason and wants me just to say she is struggling in the class (she's not).

Do I tell the teacher what's actually happening? Or do as my DD asks?

You have set her up for failure by not making sure the product was out of her hair. Teenage girls can be cruel, and you should absolutely contact HoY regarding this, however, you can’t expect to send a 14 year old into school with greasy build up in her hair and there be no comments made…

Gettoachiro · 14/10/2025 12:02

The little witches. It makes me bloody boil 🤬

Hankunamatata · 14/10/2025 12:05

That is bullying. Dd needs to have a quiet word with a trusted teacher about what has happened.
BTW I did exactly the same as dd and had to spend a week braiding my hair up so didnt look so lank

ramonaquimby · 14/10/2025 12:23

Talk to the school for sure. This is bullying.
Though i don't like the 'girls will be girls' expression as not all teen girls behave this way, much as the 'boys will be boys' trope

Dappy777 · 14/10/2025 13:15

ProfessionalWhimsicalSkidaddler · 14/10/2025 09:41

I also have a 14 year old DD and am going through similar except they are supposed to be her friend.

I think this is very common. Probably the majority of bullying goes on within friendship groups. It’s something we underestimate.

coxesorangepippin · 14/10/2025 13:26

Of course it's bullying, wtf

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