Bullying or "girls being girls"? Do I intervene or leave?

[Thepontiacbanditsfurrydice]

Not an AIBU really but posting for traffic because I'm worried. My DD (14) is at school with some girls who are (usually) periodically low level mean to her: throwaway comments about her appearance which usually stop short of actual bullying. They're very into make-up and grooming and beauty, my DD is quite immature in some ways, square and studious and not particularly interested in her looks or boys or dating (although I obviously think she's lovely). She's pretty happy with how she is and until now she's shrugged it off and considers them a bit laughable and she's asked me not to intervene.

Over the weekend my DD did a conditioning treatment on her hair which was very thick and sticky and after several washes her hair was still quite lank this morning (but clean). But she went into school feeling quite self-conscious that people were going to notice and comment on it. She overheard this group of girls in one of her classes laughing and saying her hair "made them feel nauseous" and she had "chip fat in her hair". Apparently every time she raised her hand in class to ask a question or respond to the teacher, they all theatrically laughed.

I know this sort of stuff happens a lot and my instinct up until now has been to tell her to ignore them, but I think this may have crossed a line: DD is very upset and says she doesn't feel comfortable being in this class with them any more: she wants to move class but without my saying why. I've said to her that if I ask for her to be moved, I'll have to give a reason, she says she's not comfortable with my giving the actual reason and wants me just to say she is struggling in the class (she's not).

Do I tell the teacher what's actually happening? Or do as my DD asks?

Tell the year head what is actually happening. DGD has had a very similar experience, although the bullying got worse. He sorted it out and she's been much happier and more able to cope because he has her back.

That's absolutely bullying. Your poor dd. I would speak to the school, definitely!

I understand you wanting to respect your DDs wishes but I think you have to step in and speaking to the teacher. What happened when the girls all start laughing every time your DD put her hand up in class? Surely the teacher noticed?

I haven't had the full run-down of what happened yet, I had some (tearful) emails from DD at lunch break. You would think so, yes.

I would expect the teacher to have noticed.

This was bullying from the start. They were making fun of your DD’s appearance. Your DD should not have to laugh it off. It is time you contacted school with as many dates and incidents that you can document. You do not need your DD permission to advocate on her behalf against bullies. Periodical comments? I assume they have a catalogue of other children they are tormenting, you would be advocating for them too. Why should they be allowed to treat their peers this way and get away with it? All your DD is trying to do is get an education, she deserves to do this without being bullied.

I would say something definitely.

Definitely speak to the school, the little gits need to be spoken to about how horrible they’re being and the teacher should be 8ntervening when they start the obnoxious laughing.

With regard your DDs hair, she needs something clarifying to remove the build up from the mask she put in, you can buy clarifying shampoos or my mum just used to put a bit of vinegar or lemon juice into some warm water and use that to rub in and cleanse my hair then plenty of warm water to rinse. Conditioner just on the lengths and ends and that should remove the build up from the roots.

There are girls who are not like this. Based on my two dds going through school (now young adults) and my own memories. I'm sure there were horrible girls in their schools, but they were always able to find kind friends. So I'd advise your dd to try and find new friends. The meanies won't change. Could she join a club?

Thanks: for clarity these aren't her friends.

She's got a decent network of friends at school (which is why she doesn't really care about these girls, or she didn't until they started making comments about her physical appearance). She's not alone or isolated.

Thanks. Good to hear that the consensus is that I'm not making too much of this. I will speak to her form tutor and head of year.

I suppose my concern was that it could backfire on DD but I feel the time has come that she should no longer need to put up with this.

Your poor DD, tell the head of year abour these girls , teen girls are awful and your DD shouldn’t have to put up with it.

I would complain, particularly if the teacher in question did nothing about it.

My daughters school ran this program https://www.girlsonboard.co.uk

It didn't stop this sort of crap in itself, but every time an incident was reported they'd all get hauled into a girls only forum for a refresher which by all accounts was deadly dull. They did start to self monitor and call each other out as a result.

My kids gave me nits at some point [joy] and I had to use washing up liquid in the end to get the lotion out of my hair. Evil stuff. It had no ill effect and whatever is in the lotion my very fine hair was wonderfully shiny and glossy even after a good dose of Fairy liquid so I'd recommend giving it a go if nothing else is handy tonight.

My daughter has also fallen foul of the Mean Girls from time to time. While she's not quite brave enough to go head to head with them, we have armed her with enough multi use retorts to make her smile in her own head

Where's your off button? <tilt head>
If you are waiting for me to care about your opinion I hope you brought some lunch, it's going to be a while.
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
You should come with a warning label?
Bored face, <loud fake yawn>
I can always count on you to relentlessly point out the negative.
Tell it to someone who cares, it's not me.
I seem to be living rent free inside your head?

Or just disarm them with humour. "Yes, it's horrible isn't it. I really don't recommend the X conditioner. It would be easier to get crude oil out of my hair".

This is bullying. Totally understand your daughter not wanting you to get involved as she could be worried that it would escalate if they found out. But…this incident was in a classroom setting where the teacher saw it as well as her actual friends so it would look like the teacher is raising it as a classroom management issue.

As for her hair - Aveeno apple cider clarifying or Noughty detox dynamo shampoo. Then just a little light conditioner on the ends and she’ll be fine.

I would definitely speak to school. I would be furious that the teacher has not acted today with their behaviour in class.
Your poor daughter, it makes me feel really sad that she knew they were going to target her today. I think that speaks volumes of how they have treat her previously and I wonder if she’s played things down to you in the past.

From personal experience with hair being heavy coated after a treatment I find a cider vinegar rinse helps. I put some in a spray bottle with water and spray our hair after cleansing and then just rinse it off.

Have you spoken with your daughter since school? Do you know if the teacher did nothing as that in itself is another issue if they ignored it.

I guess only you and your daughter will know the actual level of what has happened before and this is one of the tricky parenting moments. As girls of that age can be horrid, i do think that this is bullying and it’s never acceptable but I also wonder if speaking out and telling the teacher could mean your daughter didn’t come to you in the future? I would hate for your daughter to not feel like she has someone to talk to but also I realise this isn’t actually helpful advice either

Secondary teacher here. Definitely talk to the school. This kind of behaviour is absolutely considered bullying. Teachers wouldn't necessarily notice it in class as they have their hands full, but if your school is a good one, it will be dealt with swiftly as soon as it is reported. So sorry your daughter is going through this. Girls that age can be vicious. Tell her it WILL get better x

Absolutely report it for your daughter's sake but think also that these girls will be picking on other students who may not have a supportive Mum like you.

The definition of bullying used at our school is STOP - Several Times On Purpose, which it sounds like this is. Any level of unkindness, no matter the frequency, is unaccepable, and this sounds like repeated, intentional digs at your daughter - that IS bullying. I would speak to school and if your daughter doesn't want school to speak to the girls then tell them that, but they need to know so that they can check on your daughter and so that they aware of the history should anything else happen. Sending hugs to you both, it's a horrid thing to go through x

My daughter suffered relentless comments about her appearance from other girls despite being fit and healthy and very sporty. Just pure mean girls. One particularly viscious one posted nasty comments about her legs to an anonymous board and then screen shots of that were sent to her. School said they couldn’t prove who says it even though she knew the culprit. Despite being a strong bright girl she started to restrict her food and lose weight as the constant comments wore her down over time. Fortunately I noticed early enough and stepped in and we managed to avoid a fully blown eating disorder.

Do keep an eye on your daughter and reassure her that their insecurity and nastiness says more about them and how unhappy and sad they must be inside themselves to be so cruel and uncaring. I would certainly step in to speak with head of year and mention teacher who witnessed that specific incident but also the ongoing stuff.

Constant commenting on appearance in a negative way like that is toxic and damaging. It doesn’t matter who you are.

I'd be concerned about doing anything your daughter disagreed with. Her trust in you can't be broken.
Come up with a range of strategies to boost her confidence because she was dealing with it just fine before. Her unconcern is her best weapon.
If you decide to tell the school be clear with her who and what you will say. Don't do it behind her back.
And maybe treat her to a girl and mum pampering session to make her feel extra special. Even if you're broke you can make your own spa night. It sounds like she is starting to get interested in stuff like that. Maybe she needs your guidance there as to what is good for her and what isn't.

I’d ask for a meeting with the school about it - particularly why the school has said nothing. However, schools are notoriously terrible at handling this and often do make things worse. Despite it being their job. I’d tread very carefully.

get the meeting
ask why the teacher did nothing and has anything been noted or done as this is ongoing
speak to DD about the implications of changing class and how she may have to face them in sets etc.

I also have a 14 year old DD and am going through similar except they are supposed to be her friend.

Definitely sound like bullying to me

try fairy liquid to get rid of the conditioner

Speaking from experience - not too dissimilar, you have to tackle bullies (yes that is exactly the behaviour they’re demonstrating) head on.

Moving classes and hoping she can avoid them doesn’t solve the issue. It simply adds fuel to the fire as they know they behave as they please and feel super important getting the intended reaction.

I would 100% take this to the school. It’s disgusting and they should be called out for it. Tell your daughter ‘making a big deal out it’ is the only way they’ll realise they need to change.

I had some girls I ignored and they made little jibes. I was in a set for science that none of my friends were. I gravitated toward the boys for science as they were nice and easy going. Those girls hated it. They used to make digs behind me in class relentlessly. I felt like rubbish. It would spill into hallways etc.

I kept my head down and tried to avoid them. One day as an adult I went into a shop and one of them served me on the checkout. She was trying to be so nice to me and engage. It was like invasion of the body snatchers. I was polite but not forthcoming. It dawned on me though, the conversation we had demonstrated she was embarrassed about her own personal circumstances. The people that laugh at others often try to deflect because they’re unhappy within themselves. Make sure your daughter knows that, empathy will help her continue to be the bigger person.

Good luck!!

Why on earth didn’t teacher intervene?