Parental alienation and hospital appointments

[PurpleFrogg]

My DC has a hospital appointment soon and is refusing that I attend along with exh. The appointment is to discuss the results of an MRI. He’s nearly 14 and I know that I’ve been repeatedly bad mouthed by ex and his family to DC. I believe that there’s definitely parental alienation happening. Ex and his family are very persuasive people.

Should I respect his wishes? Should I just turn up? Ex said that he spent 20 minutes trying to convince DC to “let me” attend. Surely it is my right to be there and be involved in any medical appointments? Can DS dictate completely at his age?

Or should I leave it and let him go with his Dad and hope I can get the results somehow?

So far DS has been allowed to dictate everything related to our separation but should he be allowed to make decisions such as banning his mother from attending?

I did text ex saying I still have parental responsibility and a right to attend his appointments, I’m not a risk to him, I’m safe anc want to support him and he replied “if you say so”

AIBU?

Who does he live with?

At 14 my ds effectively banned me from school meetings.

Shared custody was planned and discussed but he now lives with his Dad.

If an under 16 is deemed to be sufficiently mature and able to understand the treatment plan, they have "Gillick competence" and can consent to medical treatment without either of their parents' approval.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gillick_competence

In this case, he presumably has one parent's approval anyway.

Can you force your way into the appointment? I doubt the medical staff will proceed with the appointment if your son is becoming very distressed by your presence.

I assume you have legal support for the wider custody issue and separation ?

You ds has the right to ban you from hospital appointments. No dr would let you sit in if their patient didn't want you there

If your son doesn't want you there then you shouldn't be there. Respect his wishes.

Provided your son is competent (understands and able to make a decision properly) then he can decide not to allow you into the appointment and not to allow medical professionals to share information with you, especially if he is taking the other parent with him. You don’t have a “right” to attend.

Do you really think it will benefit your relationship with your son if you force yourself on his appointments against his wishes ?!

Your parental rights do not trump your DCs own rights. I would want to be there too, but I think trying to force it would only further damage your relationship. I'd tell him you will respect his decision and ask that he or his dad update you afterwards.

I never thought I would be in this position where my child would refuse to have me there. I’ve always been a good mother to him, played with him, read to him, cooked, spent quality time with and we made each other laugh. It really is the worst feeling in the world when your child doesn’t want you there. I genuinely have not done anything to make my child hate me so much apart from leave his Dad.

You need to respect your son's wishes. If you want any sort of relationship going forward that is.

I will have to respect his wishes but it does feel like I’m being slowly cut out of his life and I’m powerless to do anything about it. I can honestly say that I have never spoken a bad word about his Dad but DS has had months and months of ex and family bad mouthing me which has caused huge damage to our relationship. I’m powerless to do anything.

It doesn’t matter if you cooked, this isn’t about you. Your son is the one with the medical appointment - even if he’s been coerced into believing he doesn’t want you there, don’t make it any harder or more stressful for him than it already will be.

At 14 he’d probably pass the test for capacity and be considered able to make his own medical decisions

I’ll have to leave this one then and only attend the ones where ex is in work and can’t go.

What is your ex saying about you? At 14, your son would know whether these things are true or not.

He idolises his father and his grandmother (ex’s mother) Ex has painted himself as the victim and tells DS how I destroyed the family and ruined everyone’s lives. His Mother hates my guts and pretty much wants me dead! So I dread to think what has been said. Both are very unstable, manipulative and narcissistic. 3 reasons why I left in the first place but I now wish I had stayed if I had known what would happen.

So how often are you seeing your son?

He’s still only 13. Does this mean I’ve no rights to attend any of his medical appointments? He’s still a minor? Do I have no rights at all? I do think that if ex was working he probably would have gone with me and not made a fuss. I wonder if it’s more about both ex and I attending together.

Sadly no, you do not have any 'right' to be there, especially if his father is the resident parent, and as DS is 14, his wishes will definitely be taken into account. But it would be beneficial to all for the adults in this situation to put their own differences aside and communicate.

You're not getting it, its nothing to do with your partner being there if your son doesn't want you in his medical appointments this is a choice he can make and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it at 14 he will be seen as having capacity

At worst - a couple of hours on a Saturday.

At best - He has tea at mine (4pm - 8pm) one evening and a couple of hours on a Saturday.

Ex won’t get involved. DS dictates 100% when he sees me. I phone him, text and stay in touch. I try and be grateful for when I see him. It’s a terrible situation.

Contact is minimal. DS says I can’t force him. I have never sought any legal advice but I firmly believe that meaningful contact with both parents is in his best interests. Hoping to talk to ex and DS to try and put something in place. 3 months ago I was the primary carer. If nothing changes I will consider family mediation. I know at his age he will mostly be able to choose.

I do think the mediators take into consideration how a parent has been the primary carer since birth and also how a child needs meaningful contact with both parents. I wanted to avoid any legal advice but I feel like that’s where I’m headed.

I don’t think it’s all his appointments as I took him to the last one and he was fine. He was angry a few weeks ago when he had an eye test (not a regular test but linked to something else) and both my ex and I turned up to take him. (He thought it was just ex going) I asked ex if we could both pick him up from school and take him but DS didn’t want me there.

You have to only attend the ones your child wants you at. That’s what’s key here. Because the more you try and force yourself on him, the more you are reinforcing your ex’s image of you as the one in the wrong.