Parental alienation and hospital appointments

[PurpleFrogg]

My DC has a hospital appointment soon and is refusing that I attend along with exh. The appointment is to discuss the results of an MRI. He’s nearly 14 and I know that I’ve been repeatedly bad mouthed by ex and his family to DC. I believe that there’s definitely parental alienation happening. Ex and his family are very persuasive people.

Should I respect his wishes? Should I just turn up? Ex said that he spent 20 minutes trying to convince DC to “let me” attend. Surely it is my right to be there and be involved in any medical appointments? Can DS dictate completely at his age?

Or should I leave it and let him go with his Dad and hope I can get the results somehow?

So far DS has been allowed to dictate everything related to our separation but should he be allowed to make decisions such as banning his mother from attending?

I did text ex saying I still have parental responsibility and a right to attend his appointments, I’m not a risk to him, I’m safe anc want to support him and he replied “if you say so”

AIBU?

maybe he does nor want to see you and your x together when you arn't if you know what I mean. Can you talk to your son? would he have wanted you to stay with your x even though you were not happy? Could you phone up for the results am sure as his parent they would give you them unless your son asked them not to

I’m so sorry for you, it sounds like a very painful situation. However, you need to get your head around seeing things from your sons point of view and respecting his opinion and work on rebuilding your relationship rather than forcing yourself on him and that includes mediation unless your son is keen, and definitely don’t go with legal action.
Reflect on what you have done to contribute to this situation, it’s the only way you can effectively change things. it’s very easy to throw around the term parental alienation but from what you have described it doesn’t sound like you are very attuned to your son.
Recommend working with a dbt family therapist (just you or with your ex too if he is up for it) who can help you make more skillful and effective approaches to your boy.

All she did was split with her x don't know why you are blaming her or saying she should not have mediation

Thank you all for replying. It sounds like, after talking to my ex, that the main issue my son has is with us both attending appointments together. He’s autistic so quite black and white. He said that I attended the last one and didn’t want me there as he was going with his Dad. It is tricky though as there will be events in the future that happen only once that we would have planned to attend together. He’s got his GCSE options evening soon and other medical appointments. It will probably have to be a case of whether it falls on ex’s working day or mine. It doesn’t sound like he is banning me from all future events, just both parents attending together.

So I can definitely respect that seeing us both together makes him anxious and uncomfortable. I will respect his wishes.

I’m wondering too if this is something that is less significant or worrying than you may think. Many young teens are incredibly embarrassed by their parents, especially their mums, and would find both parents accompanying them to medical appointments a bit cringey. It may not be remotely personal but just age normal behaviour.

I’d be inclined to say to him that his wishes are paramount, but you’re his mum and love him and want to know he’s ok. So maybe he could just text that he’s ok and ask his dad to fill you in, if ok with him, on the prognosis.

Oh bless you OP, this sounds horrible. I think it's pretty common too tbh. It's best to listen to your son and not put pressure on him to go to the appointment, and also spend the time you do have with him doing joyful things and showing your kindness- I think I'd be really tempted to defend myself against the horrible ex and MIL on those occasions, but there's really no point. I think DC do tend to come to a point where they get it, and see the situation for what it is, but that can take a long time and that's really awful for you. Big hugs OP.

Thanks. That’s what I’ve done, just wished him good luck and his Dad will fill me in. Last time I saw him things were really good between us and he was happy, laughing with me. It was nice so I was taken aback at his strong reaction to my not being there.

14 year olds have the right to refuse parents at medical appointments. During hospital appointments for my son the nurse, doctors etc always asked my son if he wanted me present. It's your son's decision at the end of the day

I can’t think of anything worse if you are ill enough to be under hospital care as having both your parents turning up and making a big tense drama out of your hospital appointments.

You respect his wishes. I have a teen a similar age and Dh and I are happily married and get along and have a great relationship with her. But she would not want us both there at a medical appointment. It’s too much, under the best of circumstances.

Please do not weaponise your child’s ill health to get back at your ex. It’s not the time and place. If you have concerns about care, raise them directly with the hospital team, get the NHS app, so you can see the results yourself as they come through in communication to the GP.

Work on your relationship with your ds. The fact you are being a bit crazy and inappropriate about this leads me to believe this isn’t as much about parental alienation as you think it is. You need to be accountable and work on yourself, not flap around about hospital appointments and who can stake a claim to them. I can see why your ds would have concerns about you being there potentially.

@PurpleFrogg have you posted about your son before?
I ask because you situation reminds me of one in several other threads.
If you are that poster please back off and do as your ds wants. The more you demand that your rights are prioritised over his wants the further you are pushing your son away from you

Presumably your ex is competent in dealing with the hospital appointment? Then he just emails a summary after the appointment

It’s not crazy or inappropriate for a Mother(or parent) to want to support their child at a hospital appointment, to speak to the doctor and be there to receive important MRI results. I’m not weaponising my child’s health to get back at my ex. I would never do that. My priority is my son’s health and his MRI results. It’s completely normal for a parent to be involved in supporting their child in all aspects of their life. Especially anything related to medical procedures. If I was indifferent then wouldn’t that be more concerning? I can see your point though about both parents attending. I would have liked the opportunity to ask the doctor questions about his recovery and be there in person for the results. I don’t think that’s inappropriate.

Yes, he’s competent. It’s new territory for both of us when it comes to separation and this is another tricky situation we have encountered. I won’t push to attend again if ex is there too, I’m learning to navigate this new way of being but it’s hard!

Your son is likely competent enough to say he doesn't want any parent involved in his medical care if he wants. He's certainly entitled to pick which parent attends. There's absolutely nothing you can gain by forcing your attendance in places DS doesn't want you to be, except further damaging your relationship.

It sounds like there's a lot of animosity between you and your ex so I would guess that's why he doesn't want you attending things together. Even if you think that you're hiding it in front of him, there'll be a tense atmosphere.

Did the split come as a shock to your DS? Who stayed in the family home?

It did yes. It was awful telling him, it came as a big shock to him.

I think he didn’t have control over you leaving his father, and not letting you attend his appointment is his way of exerting some control over you.

At 13/14 I think it’s normal to blame the parent who made the decision to seperate. He’s not really old enough to see all sides, especially because you say he has black and white thinking.

I think you need to let him have that power over his appointment, as hard as that must be for you. I find it quite shocking that children at that age can make big decisions like that and over rule parental involvement. At 16 I would understand, but it’s like parental responsibility is stripped from us in many ways these days.

If ex is able to support DS at the appointment (IE not abusive or incapable) then I'd let DS get on with it.

It must be hard to let go after being the main carer, but trust your son to make the right decision for him and be there for him if things change.

Don't crowd.

You say that your ex has bad mouthed you etc, but you also say that your ex has tried to convince him to let you attend or to convince him to visit you? which is it?

At this age, I think teenagers hate ANYONE coming to appointments with them. So x1000 if it's both parents. And x10000000 if it's both parents who are separated.

Can you rely on your ex to tell you what happened in the appointment? I'd be far less concerned about your "rights" and your desire to "support" your DC in the appointment and far more concerned about what this MRI means, what the next steps are for his treatment plan , and what you all need to do as a family to ensure he is prepared/supported on a longer term basis.

I'm very sorry. I can tell you're struggling and hurting. But you are coming across as being far more focused on your own desires than on the real needs and desires of your child.

I don't think it's necessarily that deep, he just doesn't want both parents there because it feels awkward, and it's dads turn 🤷🏼‍♀️

I understand the pain of this and the real question needs to be why on earth his father would allow him to do this. I understand the pain of being cut out from your childs life. My exh is a coercively controlling narcissist who despises me for leaving the abusive marriage and now tries to persuade the children and the courts that they want nothing to do with me and i should not be in their lives. Its a horrible thing to go though and my heart goes out to you. I think you should respect "his wishes" but also take legal advice and document everything regarding parental alienation. Push for therapy for you and your son to repair the relationship and always do your best to maintain a positive relationship with him. if you are in therapy with him you can explain why it means so much to you to be with him at medical appointments and be able to parent him

I think OP "gets it" more than anyone else. It is her child after all and her exh. Her son is in the middle of 2 parents. He loves them both (all children do) but his dad despises his mum so he understanably does not want them both to be there together with him. it is easier for him to say he doesnt want his mum there to keep his dad happy. you might be interested to read up on parental alientation.

Okay just let him go. And don’t start pushing for family therapy. You can’t make people go to therapy if they don’t want to. Being pushy is going to make this worse not better.