To not blast music whilst cooking

[clinellwipe]

More of a rant as I really don’t believe IABU, but I’m crying in the bathroom nonetheless.

We have an open plan kitchen/living room, an autistic 4yo DS and 5 month old baby. DH likes to play music loudly whilst cooking. This evening he’s playing Linkin Park, loudly, extractor fan on full blast etc.

DS starts throwing things, being generally dysregulated. The baby is looking at me as if to say wtf is that noise. I hand my DH his wireless headphones and ask him to please listen on headphones. He says no as it’s not the same sensory experience as listening out loud. He says I’m taking away his “autonomy and free will” and that he has “difficult wife syndrome which is incurable”.

My life is spent managing our son’s sensory needs which is challenging as baby often crying/loud. I don’t want to listen to loud music which then creates challenging behaviour in our son. I’m overstimulated myself.

AIBU to expect him to wear the fucking headphones

I appreciate the above isn’t worth crying over but I’m sleep deprived and I just want a few hours of quiet , alone

He's got difficult wife syndrome? You've got selfish husband syndrome!

He is being a dick.

It is absolutely worth crying over, he's been properly horrible to you! I am so angry on your behalf!

I think you mean that you have difficult husband syndrome.

Or dickhead husband syndrome?

He sounds vile. Honestly.

Taking away his free will? What a twat.

Difficult wife syndrome? Double twat.

You’re not unreasonable at all, and have my sympathy. My husband likes to have noise whichever room he’s in and I find it so difficult as I need a quiet environment. Refusing to wear headphones when it disturbs your 4 year old so much is very selfish.

He is incredibly selfish and comments on autonomy make him sound like a 14 year old.

It cannot be all about him, he has to put his child first, then he wouldn't have a wife who is pointing out his selfish behaviour.

I have one adult child who happily sings along to music played in the kitchen and another adult child who gets overwhelmed by music so when he comes into the kitchen I turn the music down.

Who does he think he is?
He’s acting as if only his needs and wants count and everyone else can fuck off.

What a horrible selfish pig he is!

He's an idiot!

He sounds incredibly selfish. I mean, I love loud music, and I do want music on whilst cooking, but since having a child I have it pretty quiet. Your DH just sounds like a dickhead who doesn’t give a shit about anyone else.

I would be crying also OP. I have major sensory issues. I do not have autism (that I am aware of) but I can be extremely triggered by noise. To the extent we went for an afternoon tea a couple of weeks ago and in the restaurant they were playing some nice calming music. I couldn't handle it, luckily for me the system they used was zoned so they could turn it off for our table and not for anyone else who was enjoying it.

I couldn't be married to someone like this, there is no issue at all using good headphones. I would never subject others in my family to listening to something they didn't want to or like regardless of any sensory issues. It's just pure and utter selfishness.

It absolutely is worth crying over, but my tears would be of rage not sadness. He sounds like a solipsistic immature arsehole. You’re saying he knows he’s upsetting his autistic son and small baby, which becomes your problem to resolve, and all because his ‘sensory experience’ is more important????? And then he insults you for not indulging him? FUUUUUCKKKKK THAT.

Why are you sleep deprived btw? Let me guess, he couldn’t possibly miss any sleep and you’re so much better at doing that sort of thing?!!?!??

Your husband is a selfish wanker.

He sounds horrible and deeply selfish!

I like to listen to music whilst cooking myself - but my house isn’t open plan, and my kids are teenagers so free to go upstairs and not hear the music. Plus I don’t blast it loudly.

If there was a good reason as in your house I’d happily put headphones on, “sensory experience” or not! I often do when I’m mowing the lawn or similar.

What a complete dick

Only a completely self centred knob would think it was his 'right' to play loud rock music which distressed his autistic 4 year old. I feel your pain because I loathe loud noise, it stresses me, never mind the DC.

I'd have had a meltdown. I'll be frank - that would be the point I decided I was filing for divorce. He is so utterly beyond reason that I wouldn't even have a conversation with him about it. I'd simply be phoning round solicitors tomorrow.

There isn't a single thing he could do or say to change my mind after this little demonstration. Because he'll do it again. And again.

Total bollocks. Is he always such an arse🙄

I think I would be the same. I get so stressed with noise. I just couldn't live like this. I would probably have a nervous breakdown.

He could have turned the music down but he was unreasonable to call you difficult.

He had the fan going and the noise of stirring or banging spatulas or spoons and pans being shaken across the burner, and the hiss of the food, occasional dropsies, there's going to be noise. Sometimes that noise tells you when it's time to do something or add something. Cooking comes with noise.

Noise cancelling headphones for your son. Earbuds for your husband if he wants loud music. Distraction. Take them to another room when cooking's going on.

Although I think your husband is 100% wrong, if your son is autistic there is a high chance your husband is to and maybe he needs this to regulate himself.

Yanbu. Headphones or he turns it right down.

Thank you for responses and kindness.

I just feel it’s setting our son up to fail - DS then ‘misbehaving’ and then DH would get cross and impatient with him when it could have been prevented… DS then getting more upset because DH is irritable about him throwing things and then it just snowballs. I feel like I work SO hard managing the two of them.

again, thank you for listening

I used to love the idea of open plan but a friend experienced similar to you and it put me off for life. It’s not the happy family space people expect, especially my age now I think I’d get annoyed at a kettle boiling while I was watching telly.

Can you reinstate a wall or was that initial configuration?