How do you deal with family who…..

[surprisereality]

How do you deal with family (baby boomers, early retirement, prime 60s with no health problems, big houses, lots of money, travel extensively, tons of sleep, lots of interests, activities, clubs and social life) make you (mid 40s, both FT careers with high levels of (wanted and enjoyable) responsibility, multiple teenagers, some in exam years, dog to walk, trying to exercise, run a house, eat well, panic over COL and future plans, health issues, minimal holidays, trying to carve enough time to spend time to friends, family, immediate family and each other equally) feel like the time you spend with them isn’t enough? (Sometimes alluded to us directly, sometimes via other relatives who ‘helpfully’ tell us that we need to do better) What do you do? What do you say?

Im struggling with the hypocrisy of a 80s childhood with questionable (at times borderline neglectful) parenting with minimal socialising with wider family bar Christmas etc and that parenting not exactly fostering the best of relationships anyway, and now feeling like I’m doing a crap job at seeing wider family enough when I thought I was doing ok. What else am I doing a crap job at that no one’s told me? On average we probably see family on both sides once a month each (sometimes twice a month then not for 2 months etc) and they all live an hour away so generally a full day visit.

AIBU? I feel like I’m either going to tell everyone to fuck off or move to Australia if this carries on. I honestly don’t know what to think or say anymore.

Tricky! I grew up several hours from both GPs, I was fascinated by people who lived in the same town as theirs.

I suggest muting family WhatsApp so you view at your convenience rather than seeing the messages as a summons.

How far ahead do you end up being 'booked in' ?

You need to be assertive about what you will and won’t do. That is the middle ground between being a stressed out doormat, or moving to Australia.

Find that middle ground and stick to it. “Sorry, we are too busy” “No, we can’t do that”

Dont over explain or repeat yourself. Ignore any bad behaviour from them.

Well, by the time I was dealing with Mother’s Day, my parents were retired and my DM just said “we will come to you. You have the busy life”. That lasted three years before she wasn’t here any more to share the day but she would have continued the routine until she wouldn’t have been able for the three hours travel any more.

DF has never really been interested in Father’s Day so is very happy to receive a card, a phone call and be left alone.

Say yes to things you want to do and no to the things you don't want to do and stop listening to extended member of family?

I am just under by 1 year and I am none of these. Have a part ownership house so will never own it as I can't afford to buy the rest. No savings. No private pension.

This is absolutely what we do do. We are clear on making plans and say no plenty. I never over explain and keep it quite breezy but still plan plenty with everyone and not always on our terms. I suspect that’s why they are cross because we do have boundaries, do say no but nothing is ever good enough in their eyes.

It sounds like you’re travelling to them. Can’t they come to you (and take you out to lunch…)?

Have you explained all this to them?

It sounds like you see them plenty. If you’ve explained all this to them, and don’t like them that much anyway, then just ignore any snarky comments. Metaphorical fingers in ears, la la la. Decide what you’re willing to give (annd ask for what you’d like), then give no more than that.

Do you all go out of your way to see people more than you want because you know it will upset them if you don’t (and they are family after all) or do you just do what you want and feel reasonably able to do? I can’t decide if we are actually being selfish or they are?

You have to choose not to mind that they are cross, if this is important to you.

Sorry, I just don’t identify with this. Life is what you make it though I suppose. I try to live my life as simply and as best I can. I have 2 dc who do sports but it’s not too hectic. Training twice a week for both. One can walk to training now so it’s handy. I work 9-5 but I go to bed at 9:30/10:00 each night.
I didn’t get a dog as I didn’t want the added responsibility.
we go on holidays.
I rest…I’m laying on the couch right now. I invited my parents over for a cuppa earlier. So they’ll pop round later. Maybe aim for quality over quantity and say that to them.

my parents are in their 60’s and still work…they are busy too. We all make an effort I suppose.
I would say we are on a par money wise.
Sorry they are making it hard for you.

my brother lives in the same town as me and we last saw each two weeks ago when he called in for a quick visit. Neither of us get too upset about it, he works shifts so it doesn’t always suit etc but we don’t use it against each other.

My family is chill. We don’t put burdens on each other. We are able to be blunt with each other about what works and what doesn’t work and nobody takes offence.

I guess we also enjoy each other’s company, but we are all pretty self-sufficient and don’t need to see each other the whole time.

If my parents did keep asking me to visit more I guess I would do my best but if it was getting too much I would explain and they’d understand. If they were disappointed they’d probably try to find some kind of workaround, like visiting and helping out.

You should try and find out what lies at the root of their neediness - maybe there’s a third way.

I would love it if I could pop round for a cup of tea for an hour more often, that would be ideal but no one lives close enough.

You can't change them, because you say you have put in clear boundaries.

You can only change you, and how you react to them. You are choosing to feel guilty and pressured, even though you are content with your decision. That is what you need to address.

Could you arrange to meet half way more? That’s a half hour drive. Have lunch or a walk and then home?

This is very true and sage advice.

I'm probably the wrong person to answer, because I moved FROM Australia to the UK partly to escape oppressive family dynamics! Dramatic, but effective.

But boundaries are good. Also, I find that sometimes people who are time-rich really forget that others are time-poor. You may have to keep spelling it out to them again and again.

It's sounds like you are behaving reasonably. Are you prepared to put what they think out of your mind in terms of the guilt side of things. You know they would like to see you more so you could consider inviting them to stuff you are going to anyway where you'd be happy to see them. They being of course free to go to what suits them and say no if it doesn't. And think of things to say to them if it comes up and to the well meaning (annoying) relatives e.g. ' we love seeing you/them but life is so busy with work and the kids/ I don't remember seeing granny nearly as much as we do you/them when growing up' etc. you could also say to the relative you don't need to hear it from them thanks.

What are they actually saying to you? Can you give some examples and people might be able to suggest good responses.

If they are an hour drive away, then meet them half way. A half hour drive, have lunch/coffee, a walk and then be off is completely reasonable.

'I suspect that’s why they are cross because we do have boundaries, do say no but nothing is ever good enough in their eyes.'

I can relate - nothing is ever enough for my parents. That's very unpleasant and hurtful, but once you fully accept it, it can be sort of liberating. You stop turning yourself inside out trying to please them. You just can't, so you start pleasing yourself instead

I definitely wouldn't get into any explaining or justifying. Make your own decisions, behave in a way that feels reasonable and decent to you, and crack on. If they are disappointed/ furious / angry, that's ok. You don't have to do what they expect of you - you're not a child

Honestly I think you’re doing very well to see both sides of the family once month. Not sure what they can be complaining about! Do they think you should be seeing them more often than that? Kids have sports, parties etc. Then the older they get, they want to see friends or might have a weekend job.

Maybe both? They are putting their own needs first, you are putting your own needs first. It's not a competition, it's an accomodation. Sometimes you do what they want, sometimes you do what they want. In enough balance that if they die, you feel you've done the right thing, and enough in balance that if you died, your prioritised what you felt was important.

So what’s the problem then?

Do you mean you feel guilty or upset when they get cross? You need to give fewer fucks!

Could they come for tea at your hose once a fortnight, even if it’s just beige food (pizza) and a cuppa