How do you deal with family who…..

[surprisereality]

How do you deal with family (baby boomers, early retirement, prime 60s with no health problems, big houses, lots of money, travel extensively, tons of sleep, lots of interests, activities, clubs and social life) make you (mid 40s, both FT careers with high levels of (wanted and enjoyable) responsibility, multiple teenagers, some in exam years, dog to walk, trying to exercise, run a house, eat well, panic over COL and future plans, health issues, minimal holidays, trying to carve enough time to spend time to friends, family, immediate family and each other equally) feel like the time you spend with them isn’t enough? (Sometimes alluded to us directly, sometimes via other relatives who ‘helpfully’ tell us that we need to do better) What do you do? What do you say?

Im struggling with the hypocrisy of a 80s childhood with questionable (at times borderline neglectful) parenting with minimal socialising with wider family bar Christmas etc and that parenting not exactly fostering the best of relationships anyway, and now feeling like I’m doing a crap job at seeing wider family enough when I thought I was doing ok. What else am I doing a crap job at that no one’s told me? On average we probably see family on both sides once a month each (sometimes twice a month then not for 2 months etc) and they all live an hour away so generally a full day visit.

AIBU? I feel like I’m either going to tell everyone to fuck off or move to Australia if this carries on. I honestly don’t know what to think or say anymore.

When you say family are they parents, brother sister, wider family cousins?
Just keep on doing what wirks for you otherwise you'll feel resentful probably.

Just be polite, but assertive. Once a month is a lot, especially if you're not in the same town. Don't reply directly just ignore the whining and manipulation.

We know our family are busy with full time jobs and activities. They also socialise with friends quite often, so we don’t expect to see them regularly. We saw them more often when the children were small and we offered child care.

We know we are lower down the pecking order and that’s as it should be. I’m just glad to be able to see them now and then and want them to enjoy their free time and their home ( which is bigger than ours).

I recognize your childhood, very common at the time, but the current pressure you’re under to visit more has not been my experience.

Would being more honest work for you - when you’re told “do better” by others, laugh and say something like “I’m doing as well as they ever did for me.” If your parents actually say “We hardly see you.” or the like, something like “Well, you hardly saw your parents, why do you expect things to be different for us?” Or “The guilt trip’s a bit rich given how little effort you put in after I turned [12/whatever age active parenting seemed to stop].”

Things like “We’re too busy.” are perfectly good responses, if you can grey rock, or medium chill the pressure they put you under. And likely to lead to less conflict. But they probably won’t stop that pressure, which you seem to find hard to just suck up.

An hour really isn't a lot. Many people commute that each way daily for work, I used to before I moved closer to work! Now I live where my work is I commute an hour each way to visit family at the weekend because they still live where I moved from.

I have a toddler and Saturday is my day, Sunday afternoon I spend at my mum's one week then my dad's next week. My parents are divorced so I see them each fortnightly by alternating. I leave at 12 and get back at 4 so my daughter gets two hours with her her grandparents,it's really not a big deal. I still have all morning and evening for what I want to do and family is important. I don't see the issue personally. Unless you actually just don't want to go then you just need to deal with the fact that they're upset you don't go, because that's what you want.

You were unlucky with your parents.

We do what works for us and on the rare occasion when comments have been made we push back hard. DH has made a couple of very pointed comments about how rarely PIL saw FIL’s side of the family when PIL were our age. That seemed to work.

They are being selfish. They didn't give you a great childhood and it sounds as though they are having a great time in retirement with multiple holidays and plenty of disposable income. I presume that they want everything on their terms, so expect to see you when they are free, irrespective of whether it works for you or not. Ignore the flying monkeys who are sent in by your parents to make you feel guilty.

Once a month is enough. Outside of that, set your boundaries. No guilt necessary.

You should live your own life as you please OP and leave your parents and wider family to live theirs. People their 60s should have their own lives going on.

For some people enough is never enough. They will always want more.

Oh I’m older now but yes I hear you .
Often said that that we didn’t visit them enough, it was a 3 hour round trip so we did it when we could ( 4 kids , one disabled ) as a day trip .
Sometimes they’d come to us , they didn’t really do anything with the kids when they were at our house .
Then they would complain that they never got to stay or spend enough time with the kids
One time we had plenty of space for them to stay for a few nights ( oldest daughter away so they had a nice double bed available) but they showed up with no things for an overnight stay and said they’d be heading home late afternoon 🤷🏻‍♀️

Most people my age (64) are ignorant.
We had it easy compared to younger people today. They're mollycoddled and have no idea about how modern life can be such a struggle.
Then they voted brexit and made everything worse for younger people. The only thing they have to offer is some money/ property in their wills. It's the only way a lot of younger people can have a home.

To family: "If my parents have a concern about this, they can talk to me themselves."

to your parents: "I'd love to see you more but this is what I can manage. If you'd like come to visit us at home in between, that would be lovely."

I would just carry on as you are.

They can’t make you do anything, and they will never see things your way. That generation are notoriously self-absorbed.

“You may be retired but I’m not,” is a good one.

Sound like you're doing it already - decide what you can do, state it clearly, do it, don't apologise. Let them be as cross as they like and learn not to care. They may think you're unreasonable, but you don't have to agree with them. Just decide not to care.

the way I deal with uncomfortable feelings like this is to remind myself they don’t make me feel any way, I have those feelings but I don’t hold other people responsible for my feelings. So I don’t blame them and try to change anything except how I feel.

Boundaries and learning not to care.

I've a difficult situation at DMs, as she's allowed my DB to move in and he's an alcoholic. Rules the roost. Could add more but I'm being polite 😄 I told them I'd visit once per week. In September things got that difficult (lost a lot of leave, neglected my own DC) I've now said I'll see you at Halloween. After that once per half term over the school holidays when I'll take some baking and share photos and news.

My eldest sibling no longer visits. My other sibling is still visiting a couple of times per week and is a pious little shit about it.

If DB wasn't there I'd go once every week or fortnight as it's only 15 mins drive.

In your case if it's an hour I think I'd go once per month and before she couldn't leave the house I used to invite here too.

Just leave any guilt tripping messages on 'read' if they are not going to change their perspective. My eldest sibling is not reading messages in a group chat.

Decide on when you want to visit and make arrangements on that basis. They can't make you do any more and you don't need to give reasons. That is about learning not to care about others opinions though.

My parents were pretty naff - I love DM but she is not without fault.

It's just selfishness really. An inability to put yourself in someone else's shoes. I'd carry on as you are op and learn to stop feeling guilty.

Id be interested OP in whether you like spending time with them and are you talking about parents or others. I am 45-50 mins away from my parents and I go most weeks at some point because I want to see them, generally that would be as high a priority as seeing friends. Sometimes it's them who are not free and I might feel a touch disappointed. We go for walks, to cafes, take the grandkids out etc. It isn't a chore. However I can remember visiting my Grandma when she was alive and that did feel like something I just had to do to be "good". Not judging you if you don't enjoy the time you spend with them, probably just have to accept that's how it is.

Some family, what you do will NEVER be good enough. So you set the boundary and if they dont like it or wont make a reciprocal effort then you stop making the effort and take back the time for your own immediate family

I ignore and do what I want.
Set a precedent now. Before demands increase as they age and one is left alone.

Can you try and make more of a routine out of the visits to better manage their expectations - eg last weekend of the month.

Otherwise could you do shorter visits eg every 3 weeks, sometimes meet half way eg Sunday lunch, (few hours) rather than spending a full day.