Christmas alone, just the two of us!

[Wildflower44]

Hi all, it's my first post here - would welcome some opinions :)
I've been with my partner for 11 years and every year we've spent Christmas with his mum and brother (unless brother goes away on a fabulous trip somewhere). This year I've found a lovely cabin by the sea in Scotland 3 hours from us (available 20th - 27th) and suggested to my partner we go there for Christmas, just the two of us - I'm hankering after a day lounging in PJ's, watching films, reading, cooking dinner - just a relaxed no pressure day! My partner doesn't want to let his mum down - she's 95 but a very active 95; lives in her own beautiful property, goes out to see friends/cinema/restaurants etc. We live in the same town so see her regularly. Partner's brother will be home for Christmas so will be spending it with her. I've suggested we could spend New Years Day together, am I being unreasonable? Cheers for reading this if you've got this far ;)

Depends whether your partner’s mother is going to start saying it could be her last Christmas, because there is no come back to that really.

If she says yes, go and enjoy yourselves, I would say you’re good to go.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable OP it sounds lovely, at 95 how many more christmases does your MIL realistically have (i know that sounds awful) maybe your DH wants to spend them with her?

Can you compromise and maybe see her xmas eve and go away xmas eve and stay until new year?

My mil is similar age and my dh treasures every Christmas he has left with her. We visit every Christmas Day for a good few hours. It means a lot to him so I’m happy to go away before or after Christmas if we feel like a trip. There’s not many years left at her age

I think I’d just stick with tradition - she’s 95 and realistically her Christmas’s are limited.
Maybe suggest to your partner you have a little Xmas break there after the day and celebrate together in the lovely way you hanker after.

Your idea sounds wondeful, but perhaps consider booking it from boxing day? I completely understand your longing for a cosy relaxed Christmas, but I can't help seeing it also from MIL point of view. AT 95 it could be her last Christmas. I think she may be hurt and disappointed. The cosy cabin will be wonderful no matter when you go ❤️

thank you, she's been telling us it's her last Christmas for the past 10 years but yes if it was I'd feel terrible!

She’s 95 - you should be encouraging your partner to spend Christmas with his mum . If you don’t want to go then don’t.
its hugely unfair to ask him not to . At her age she will not have many if any Christmas left . You sound very selfish for expecting your partner to do what you want in these circumstances. You’ll have many Christmas in the future when his mum has gone to sit in your log cabin .

At 95, I’d stick with tradition and go to your lovely cottage for NYE instead.

God, my in-laws were saying that when they were barely 80!

Spend it with your mil.

At 95, I would let DH spend time with his Mum. It won't be long until its just you and DH.

(Also, as someone who lives in Scotland, there isnt really anything lovely about a cottage by the sea when it gets totally pitch black dark by 4pm, blowing a gale and minus 15.... If you are rural you could be trapped for weeks if we get bad snow).

And also your partner would hold you responsible - new year in the cabin?

95....you should spend Christmas with her. You and your partner can have a weekend away anytime surely?

Spend Christmas with his mum - the cabin will still be there the next week.

I'm often on the side of thinking people shouldn't feel overly obligated at Christmas (like, not feel pressured to drive 300 miles on Christmas Eve and then spend three nights sleeping on a living room floor), but even I would stick with the MIL visits in this case, given she's in the same town as you so you can be at home together for the nights, and as she is so very old.

Going away somewhere over winter and snuggling down as a couple is a lovely idea though, so I'd maybe do it just before Christmas for a long weekend taking in the solstice shortest day, or go for NYE as others have suggested.

If your partner really wanted to go away too, maybe that would feel different, but given he's not enthusiastic about it, I'd leave it for something for the future.

I think I feel a bit off as it's expected we're there every Christmas but it's fine if my partner's brother goes away for two weeks over Christmas, nothing is ever said about that. My partner was sent to private boarding school at 7 and has been traumatised by it, his mum can be quite controlling, he has mummy issues and is an alcoholic. Our relationship is sexless, he spends alot of time in bed hungover. I'd like my own Christmas as have compromised alot in the relationship...

Go away for new year see his mum Christmas its one day you have plenty of Christmases ahead with your partner

Right idea, wrong time. At 95 there’s not many Christmases left. You two have many other days in the year to have a lovely trip away, not Christmas in MILs final years.

You're not unreasonable to suggest it but equally if my mum was 95 I'd be spending as many Christmases with her as I possibly could.

Why not go away for New Year instead?

It sounds like your MIL is not the problem. If you go away he’s likely just to drink and sleep anyway. I would go away from Boxing Day or the day after and stay over New Year, but honestly I don’t think your cosy cabin holiday is going to be how you envision it. Have a hard think about how you want to spend your retirement. If you don’t actually leave at least focus on building up a very independent life of your own.

Get it booked
And go on your own
Your not joined at the hip
If he comes with you great
If he doesn't,even better
Put yourself first ,if putting yourself first ends your relationship,it wasn't meant to be anyway

My heart goes out to you. I've been there before myself. I found it hard to leave but I'm so so happy I did. Perhaps the cottage would be even more joyful if you go alone and spoil yourself. Xx

This is quite a drip feed op...I think Christmas is the least of your problems

@Wildflower44 would you /can you go away yourself ?
He gets his Xmas he likes and you get yours ?
If you want partner there then I days go to mil for Xmas days then head off on a holiday.
Do your own second Xmas day while away .

Blimey - why don't you leave him ?