Decision: cancelling visitation this one time

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Hi all,

I’d really like to hear what others would do in this situation.

My EXHB and I do not have a co parenting relationship. It’s still very strained after 4 years apart (mostly because of this continuous abuse and also, him making extremely poor and bad choices regarding our child).

Anyway. My ex had asked for a one off longer visitation in November. I agreed. It was only a day and half more and I had no issue.

However, our child has now been scheduled to have their tonsils and adenoids removed about 5 days before the elongated visitation.

My ex is a pretty rubbish dad, I’ll be honest. He uses our child as a pawn and usually ends up fobbing them off on his mother or new girlfriend. I do not trust him at all (due to many, many previous times where he’s made bad mistakes).

I have spoken to friends and family who have all said to postpone the elongated visitation as our child will still be recovering from the operation.

Yes, I am a worry wart and I obviously don’t want my child away from me after having surgery.

Would you cancel visitation? Or let it go ahead.

I’ve many years of sustained physical and mental abuse from this man (currently in therapy) but I still worry about his reactions to me (he tends to ‘punish’ me in other ways now if he doesn’t get want he wants) .

Any advice.

Cancel. Your child needs a good week to 10 days to recover and needs close care and attention, especially around hydration.

Thank you. I’ve been reading up on recovery and I just want to ensure I can really keep a close eye on him.

It's about your child. So - how long os dc expected to be off school for? If they won't be at school in between the visit and the op then you probably have good cause.

Also - why does he want a longer visit? Is there a special event happening? Dc may not have energy for anything special. They might manage to lie on a sofa for example but not 6 hours at a family party.

Why did he ask for the extended visitation? Is it for something specific fixed to a date like a wedding? Or just for time together?

Hi, so it’s advised that he’s off for 2 weeks. The operation is on a Monday so they’ll miss out on two full weeks of school.

My ex won’t tell me anything about what they’re up to but he has eluded to ‘lots of super fun things’ (that could be at home on the sofa or a theme park - I have no idea) but I do believe he’s booked things and my child would be expected to be up and out which I wouldn’t want. But honestly, even if my child was just at theirs dad’s for 3 and 1/2 days I’d still want them with me as it’ll only be 5 days after the operation and we still co sleep (they’re 5 years old).

He didn’t say. I basically have zero idea where my child goes when they’re with their dad.

I’ve had a few people vote I’m unreasonable but I’d just like to know why, as I’m genuinely asking what others would do.

Cancel. No doubt.

Thank you.

Could you ask whether you could postpone the operation to two weeks later, after they're back?

My son was off less than a week with his tonsillectomy. It was a lot less disruptive than tonsillitis

But putting off the surgery by two weeks seems like the least contentious option here. It’s worth asking the hospital

I definitely would not let a post-operative DC go to this man. My DSis had her tonsils out and was very unwell for a few days afterwards, but anyone who has had an operation needs quite, calm, comforting surroundings in which to recuperate and get their strength and appetite back. Your DC will be on a very restricted and special diet initially, so that's a very good reason to cancel, if you know that your ex will not take good care of them.

Your child isn't just 'yours', and regardless of how you feel about your ex (even if justified), they are also a parent.
Talk to them about the operation, and whether their plans (made before the surgery?) need to be adjusted or moved.

I have asked and the hospital are getting back to me.

My child has sleep apnoea so it’s not that tonsillitis affects them, they can’t breathe properly and have a stage 4 tonsils (the highest you can get).

Thank you for letting me know your experience.

My child is mine, I have full custody and he has only visitation rights 2 times a month.

But also, if a parent does have justified reasons to be worried about their child and the level of care they receive normally, surely it would be heightened after an op.

I am waiting for the hospital to get back to me to see if we can move it but yes, parents and children who have been through domestic abuse do have a right to be more cautious.

I thought that there was a high chance of a bleed for a certain time and you needed to be close to the hospital for that time.

It is awkward when you don’t know what the event is. If it is very unusual for him to ask, and things have been arranged then I can see how he might interpret you cancelling as sabotage. (Not saying it is but I’m saying I can see how he’d react badly). Has he been involved in discussion around your son’s health and the need for this operation, or is this going to come out of the blue?

I think it is good that you are trying to move the date. If it’s a no from the hospital, at least you can forward this correspondence to show you tried.

Then I would suggest framing it very much in that your son, being sick, would need all kinds of stuff that would mean your ex would be ‘burdened’ and wouldn’t be free to have fun. If he is such an abusive twat, the only thing he will care about is the impact for himself, so that’s how I would frame it to avoid conflict. I would also present any facts around risks/ needs at that stage of convalescence…. Because my first instinct (without any expertise and experience) was that after five days most kids would be up and running about again. That is obviously wrong, but you want to present the facts clearly to show it. All this will also give you a good paper trail if you ever need it in court- of being very objective, fact based, and trying to be accommodating.

so I’d basically try to get him to agree because it would be a hassle for him to have a sick child while on a special weekend. If he still says he wants him, then I would tell him you are ok with waiting to see what state he is in on the days after the operation, but you need to put him on notice that you can’t commit to the extra time.

OP, obviously I have no idea, but the scenario of a crap dad suddenly wanting his child for the weekend sounds a bit like he might be getting remarried- is that possible? This could make him more intransigent but by contrast may make him more inclined to drop the idea of having your son if he thinks it would spoil the weekend.

wishing you luck.

What doesnt sit well with me generally is the idea that one parent could just decide that the other won't be able to parent sufficiently enough so then they unilaterally decide to cancel a visitation.

I think if one parent needs to be afforded that sort of power, it should be court issued. So the visitation should state something like "if mum thinks child is physically well enough to attend". They'd only give that kind of power where it could be proven that it is necessary, but still in the child's best interests to have unsupervised access with that parent.

Does he know this is scheduled? He might cancel himself.

Yeah not a chanve that he would be going then as its not in your child best interests. And id put that in writing ...

Hi, just for complete clarity, I have full custody and my ex only has visitation. Everything about my child’s life is done by me only, not because I’ve made it this way but because my ex has never taken an interest or asked to be a part of it. I also do have court papers that state that visitation can go ahead if my child is completely well. My ex has cancelled visitation in the past because our child has been sick.

I think if one parent is maliciously trying to sabotage the relationship between a child and the other parent, that’s evil. However, that’s not the case here.

Thank you for your message.

A wedding could be taking place. They could be off to the moon as well haha I’ll never know.

I may be told by my child but I don’t push them for answers or question what they got up to during their time with their dad (only because my child is completely distracted and will tell me some things if they remember/want to).

I’ll ring the hospital again in the morning to see if they can change the date and ask if they could email me their decision because if I do not have ‘proof’ that I’ve asked, all hell will break loose and I know my ex will accuse me of trying to stop his visitation (far from it, as he’s never had our child for more than 24 hours on his own in the last 5 years). I had plans too that I’d have to cancel but I’ll happily do it for my child to be seen and safe with me.

Don’t cancel the op - cancel the visit. Your child comes first. Your ex should put your child first too. The op is far more important than an extended visit to an abusive father who sees his child twice a month.