Decision: cancelling visitation this one time

[Timetogetgone]

Hi all,

I’d really like to hear what others would do in this situation.

My EXHB and I do not have a co parenting relationship. It’s still very strained after 4 years apart (mostly because of this continuous abuse and also, him making extremely poor and bad choices regarding our child).

Anyway. My ex had asked for a one off longer visitation in November. I agreed. It was only a day and half more and I had no issue.

However, our child has now been scheduled to have their tonsils and adenoids removed about 5 days before the elongated visitation.

My ex is a pretty rubbish dad, I’ll be honest. He uses our child as a pawn and usually ends up fobbing them off on his mother or new girlfriend. I do not trust him at all (due to many, many previous times where he’s made bad mistakes).

I have spoken to friends and family who have all said to postpone the elongated visitation as our child will still be recovering from the operation.

Yes, I am a worry wart and I obviously don’t want my child away from me after having surgery.

Would you cancel visitation? Or let it go ahead.

I’ve many years of sustained physical and mental abuse from this man (currently in therapy) but I still worry about his reactions to me (he tends to ‘punish’ me in other ways now if he doesn’t get want he wants) .

Any advice.

Cancel and say that medics have said he needs two weeks bedrest after the op.

I’d cancel. Dc needs to recuperate I would offer to postpone though so can be done after.

You are unreasonable asking to change the surgery date. Just tell ex, child will be unwell and cancel the visit

I’d say doctors have advised child will be unwell, needs two weeks off school, and the second week will be challenging. (This is very much the case for that op- I have a friend working from home this week because his 6yo is at childcare but they need to be close by to get him if he has a mouth bleed, and you can’t trust your ex in this situation) I’d add ‘as per the court papers on visitation I am canceling the visit since he will be unwell. I asked the hospital if there was an option to reschedule the operation to after your weekend but they have said no. I apologise for any inconvenience but this is important and should really help him.’

My daughter had a bleed and was blue lighted to hospital a week after a tonsillectomy. Don't risk it.

Don’t do this!!! The operation is to help your child and frankly your ex can rearrange what ever ridiculous thing he’s doing! If he’s anything like mine he will be using it to show a new girlfriend what a fantastic dad he is 🙄 Having the tonsils out is far more important than anything. Makes such a difference not just to them getting ill with tonsillitis but lots of other little things as their immune system will recover and get stronger:)

Absolutely cancel the visit. Your child needs a responsible parent watching them closely while they rest after an op like that. My niece was rushed into hospital 5 days after having tonsils removed because infection took hold and the wound started bleeding profusely.

It’s not really clear what is being reasonable vs unreasonable in your op from the way you worded it. Eg they might be voting that you’re unreasonable to let your ex have your child when they should be at home with you. However it could be interpreted another way - I voted Yanbu to want your child at home with you.

Send him a photo of the proof of dare of operation and just say you’re really sorry this it will clash with his weekend but he’ll have to reschedule. Tell him that you can be flexible with whatever other weekend works for him but the matter is out of your hands for this one and your child and their recovery is what comes first.

You’re definitely not unreasonable, but I know how difficult these situations can be with abusive men. Hopefully he’ll agree that looking after an unwell DC will be too much hassle for him.

I absolutely think you should cancel. The fact that everyone you know in real life thinks you should speak volumes: they don't think he'll take care of your child's basic needs. Given that, I actually don't think your child should be going there overnight at all, well or not - if he can't be trusted to look after a child who is ill after an operation (and I believe you that he can't) then he can't be in sole charge of the child for more than a few hours.

Ask for advice signed by medical or nursing professionals for clarity to record care after surgery and physical activity limits. This can be used to support your decisions and for the child's father ( give him a copy) Please do not look for another date as your child's needs come first.