PIL have not visited our new house

[NoOneVisiting]

DP and I have just bought our first house together (he already owned one) and moved in back in June. We lived 30mins away from MIL and FIL, they helped us move in but they have not visited once since. We dont have children.

They bought DBIL and SIL a house years ago to live in but they have also recently moved into a bigger house, and now PIIL house is sitting empty and is need in load of renovations/repairs due to wear and tear. MIL does childcare for their two daughters at least two times per week, and when she's not there they are renovating/repairing the old house to get it on the market as BIL and SIL are not lifting a finger even though SIL and BIL only have to pay back the deposit.

PIL say they dont have time to visit as their days are consumed by childcare and renovations / repairs. SIL doesnt work so its not like there will be consequences if MIL cant look after the kids once. PIL dont make any financial gain from the house either, so they could walk away at any time.

I know BIL is their son and they want to support him but they also have another son, who quite frankly appears to be neglected while MIL runs round after her golden boy. We saved for our own house, have put up our decorations, bought some new furniture etc, we would love PIL to see it. AIBU to think PIL could at least make it round for a cuppa if they can spend hours running round after he other son?

What does your partner think? You seem upset on his behalf but is he bothered? You’ve decided what is fair and right. You’ve even judged what help your SIL should ‘need’ or not even though you haven’t had children. They aren’t cooing over your house that you did up ‘without handouts’. You clearly see yourself as superior to the BIL and SIL.

Frankly, if that’s why you want them to visit, for a passive-aggressive display of what you’ve ’achieved without any handouts’, I’m not surprised they’re staying away. ‘Look at our carpet! Which we bought and fitted BY OURSELVES, and the sofa THAT WE PAID FOR WITHOUT YOUR HELP!’

If your partner feels neglected, then it’s up to him to broach it, surely.

Arrange a special event at your new home.

Invite your closest relatives to a wedding.

Invite them all for Christmas.

Give them time. I think they feel comfortable enough with you both to get on with their most important chores; to admit that they are very busy. They must be frantic. Help them with the renos maybe.

the clue is in the sentence

We saved for our own house, have put up our decorations, bought some new furniture etc, we would love PIL to see it

yes they can go visit but they want the in laws to visit and see what they have done, and there is nothing wrong in that

op I would ask your DP to speak to his parents, say that it’s important to him they come and see

Don't allow this to consume you.
Stop visiting them.
Only do it if it really suits you.
People waste years of their lives upset over the golden child unequal treatment.
Accept it and match their energy.
You will both be happier for it.

Maybe because they would like to show off their new house with their new furniture etc.they are obviously proud of their first house together. totally understand your disappointment OP

Your DP is an adult, he isn't being 'neglected' by his parents. It sounds like they are prioritising their grandchildren and doing up the home right now and there is nothing wrong with that. Let go of the entitlement.

To be fair, they helped you move house and they sound incredibly busy and are probably exhausted, You don’t have kids to look after - why don’t you offer some help with renovating the house is exchange for their helping you move?

We have lived in our house for two years. PIL has never visited, despite only being 30 mins away and being invited many many times. Always a crap excuse. DH has given up asking.

Of course she wants to show off her new home, who wouldn't, especially to your parents!
Buying a house is a big achievement.
Invite them again and if they refuse, stop. Just stop and don't let it bother you. My husband's younger brother is the golden child and I've been happier since I've stepped back and accepted it. It's them missing out more than us.

'Pil is there a reason why you haven't come to visit our new house yet? We'd both really love you to see it'

Maybe forget Pil and invite Sil, Bil and kids over instead. They might appreciate a break and a nice dinner or perhaps invite the kids over for a night away or a day trip out.
Just because Pil don’t seem to be interested, your husband has other relatives.
Host a party invite friends and relatives around, especially if to date you haven’t had a house warming party.
There’s more to life than living with disappointment and hope, move forward and worry less about other people, what about inviting your new neighbours round and improving your social life.
If you are serious in awaiting a “how wonderful, how beautiful” from your Pil, you may have a pretty long wait, if they are doting grandparents.
My Mil visited 4 times in 30 years, she only saw my kids if I went to Sil’s home.
(My Sil talked her into moving in with her, only to announce her pregnancy, not long after!).

This all sounds very petty. Do you actually want them to visit for the pleasure of their company or do you just want to show off?

Let people do what they want to do, stop being so silly about it. If they don't want to visit, then they don't want to visit. Get on with your own life.

Stop visiting them ! They are getting to see their DS without making any effort . Maybe if they realised they had to come and see you they would make more effort otherwise they don’t get to have a relationship with him . It’s only fair isn’t it .

How does complaining someone doesn’t come to visit mean they don’t like them? If they didn’t like them they’d be glad they didn’t come visit!!

You don't seem to have picked up the theme of OPs thread.

Make the most of it & be careful of what you wish for 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have PIL like this. Always visiting the daughter and never the sons. It gets even harder once you have kids and they are disinterested so be prepared.
Read The Let Them Theory and let the weirdos crack on

Two things , you want them to come and see what you have both achieved without any handouts??? Hmmm, maybe they can sense your smugness and also you have just left an open invitation to them to come for dinner , which is not exactly setting a certain day or time . But you are not the inviting type of people as you say . So that’s just like a casual reference when you see an old friend and say let’s catch up soon . Don’t always happen . Set a day and time properly!

Invite them round. On a specific date, for a specific reason (lunch, dinner, coffee) and say you’d like to show them what you’ve done with the house since you’ve moved in. They sound busy.

My own parents wouldn’t drop in without an invite. They viewed it as encroaching on our privacy and told us if we wanted them to visit we would need to invite them. Everyone knows where they stand. I only wish I’d done it more, as busy as we all are and untidy as my house often is, as my dad died recently.

Just tell them how you feel and what you’d like and see if that makes the difference.

Congratulations on your new home, that is awesome!

I really wish the PIL and the DIL and SIL's who want to be in each others lives could meet up. I would LOVE to see my DIL's new house but she doesn't want me there and I respect her decision.

I don't blame you for feeling a bit put out. I hope they come soon and make a big fuss of all your hard work.

I’d do a specific invite again for lunch or dinner or drinks and see what they say. If they fob you off again then I’m afraid you’ve just got to write it off and accept they are not going to just randomly pop in. It sounds like maybe they had spare time before and now they don’t so much so they don’t just pop in on a whim. I get it hurts though. The test will be once the house is sold and they have more time - will they suddenly be visiting more then…

I’m in a broadly similar situation although I don’t let it bother me anymore.

DH and I have 1 DC and have done everything ourselves. That includes buying and paying off our mortgage with no parental support. We haven’t had a single hour of childcare from PIL and haven’t received any support from them whatsoever.

Their other DC received unlimited childcare, a huge house deposit, regular financial assistance for DGC including paying for holidays, buying all his clothes, paying for home improvements etc.

Because of this obvious disparity I think they feel awkward when it is made evident to them so they simply avoid such situations. When we bought a new house they not only didn’t visit but they pretty much pretended it hadn’t happened as they would never want to go anywhere near a conversation about how much it cost and how we funded it.

The same happened when DC started nursery. They knew we had to pay around £50k in fees that their other DC didn’t pay. They simply refused to discuss nursery at all in fear of the cost ever being mentioned.

Now DC has started school they also avoid asking how we arrange drop offs and pick ups when we both work because they know they did a lot of them for their other DGC to allow their parents to work.

It is so ridiculously unbalanced but it’ll never change so I just ignore it now. Having said that it does mean we don’t have a close relationship with them and we definitely won’t be anywhere to be seen as and when they might need care.

Have you offered to help them with their DIY? They could be writing a post that says “they’re 30 years younger, never offered to help once, it’s ok for them they’ve got a fancy new house and it’s all done so they’ve got nothing to do on their weekends…” so maybe offer to help them out a bit then go back to yours for food or something?