If they wanted to, they would

[0PALFRUITSS]

I read this quote today and it hit me hard about a friend.
we chat online most days and she says she wants to come down to where I live to see me. I always say, sure just let me know when, I’d love you to come etc.
yet she doesn’t come back with any dates. I don’t want to push it because well, if she wanted to, she would. Right?

Yep!

In general that's true. But I am a full-time carer for DH. I have several friends and relations whom I haven't seen for some years. I want to see them but the logistics are just too complicated when I'm permanently knackered anyway.

No, I think it's a bit trite to be honest.

Consider:

• distance
• money
• work
• holiday allowance
• kids
• caring responsibilities
• disability/ illness
• frequency of meetup

Doesn't take many of those to make it almost impossible. I'd love to see my parents more but childcare/ work/ distance means I see them every 6-8 weeks.

I’ve got a friend who has a busy job, whereas I don’t. She texts me - “we must meet for coffee.” I reply with “give me some dates when you are not working and I’m sure I can accommodate any of them.” Never hear from her with dates / times. Then she will text again, how are you we must meet for coffee! FFS

Some people feel it's rude to invite themselves, so "just let me know when" might push her into feeling awkward. Have you ever responded proactively e.g. "sounds great, let's book it in now, will you come and stay/visit on x date"?

I'm one of those people who prefers the other person to suggest a good time or date for them. 99% of the time i'm happy to go with what works best for them. The other 1% i'll suggest my next best available to see if that works for them.

Have you tried throwing out a suitable time and date?

Someone has to be the first to suggest some actual dates. She might be thinking your response is non-committal as well.

You don’t really have enough information to conclude this definitively. I would say that the onus is on you as the host to provide a proper invitation with, say, three dates - well into the future - that work for you.

If she can’t do any of them, then you say, ‘Ok let me know when’s good’, and THEN, if you don’t ever hear anything, or receive an invite to her house, you know it’s just not a high enough priority for her.

I have friends that I love and adore and would really like to see, but also I’m in a new job, working 6 days a week, and am only just managing to keep the show on the road logistically as it is. Somebody asking me to plan a trip to go and see them would tip my brain over the edge.

You asking your friend to give you dates might be asking too much if she is frazzled already.
Hope you can sort it out. And also hope I’m not the friend!

I like the idea of it; but it’s a bit flippant.

I mean, I’ve got a friend I’m keen to go and see soon (more than one, if I’m honest). She’s asked if I fancy lunch tomorrow. I’d love to go to lunch with her. But she has one child, and two sets of grandparents who will happily have the child while she goes to lunch and her husband gets a break too, and they’ve got no money worries as he’s got a great job. She’s a SAHM. She has her own concerns, I’m not by any means suggesting she’s got everything easy, but booking lunch is easy for her.

I’ve got a young baby, I’m self employed, we’ve got no childcare or family help. My eldest child wants to be with me. DH does a lot of childcare in the week so probably wants a break, even if he’d not say anything or mind me going. I can only go for 2.5 to 3 hours anyway because I need to feed the little one, who won’t accept a bottle right now. My to do list is 8 miles long. I’m absolutely knackered. I’d love to do lunch but making it fit tomorrow feels impossible.

I’d agree with sending her some dates, and taking it from there.

If you apply, “if they wanted to, they would” to everyone, I think you could end up pretty lonely.

Nope. There are lots of things I want to do but for most I can’t because basic life circumstances get in the way.

I agree with this.

You can very much want to do something but logistics make it hard

I don’t think it necessarily applies in that context. If she’d be staying with you then she might be waiting for an actual invitation from you as she doesn’t want to feel like she’s overstepping and imposing herself. It’s not the same as when you’re meeting up in neutral territory like a bar or restaurant. If you value the friendship then take the first step and suggest some dates.

In some cases, it's possibly true but I read an awful lot of threads on here where a poster is complaining that a friend or a boyfriend is 'too busy' at work over the next few weeks to meet up and there are hundreds of responses saying, "You're not a priority, dump him/her," or "I they wanted to, they would," and it's far too simplistic.

I think of all the times I've really wanted to meet up with someone or would have rather being doing something nice with a friend or boyfriend but had too much work to do or didn't have the mental/emotional capacity because of work and it really isn't that simple at all.

Issue an actual invitation with dates and let her respond to that. A nebulous "I'd love to see you, when are you free?" feels a bit overwhelming if the answer is actually 'I'm not'. But it's easier to plan and make time if you've got a specific date to work around.

Would she be staying at your house? If so the ball is in your court to suggest some dates. In her position I wouldn't want to invite myself.

If she'd be staying elsewhere it's more down to her but I wouldn't take it as a referendum on how she feels about the friendship. Some friends of mine moved to Liverpool a couple of years ago and after saying "I must come and visit you" for most of that time I only got round to it this summer. (I wasn't staying with them.) There are only so many free weekends, unfortunately. Had a lovely time though!

Totally agree. A lot of posters seem to think being busy at work doesn't ever actually happen, it's only an excuse, and I wonder what jobs they have.

Maybe she’s polite/shy and would prefer it if you suggested some dates when you’re free? I know I would.
Then, if she still doesn’t arrange something, you’ll know for sure she’s not that in to you.

I see what you’re saying OP, but she also may think you’re being quite non committal just by asking her to let you know when she’s free. How about you let her know when you’re free and see if it works? She might find it easier if you give her a couple of days and she can just pick which one works for her.
I know it sounds like SUCH a small task but I ca sometimes get frustrated when friends do this to me. Recently one friend text me asking to give her some dates I’m free so we can organise a meal out. So then it’s me looking at my calendar and picking out dates. Then once I’d sent them, she asked me where I wanted to go. Ffs, another thing for me to think about. I said I didn’t mind. She said she didn’t either. So I suggested two places. She couldn’t even pick from those two and asked me to choose. So I did. Then she asked me what time. So I suggested a time and she said that was too early for her. So i suggested an hour later. Fine.
I just find this annoying. It was her idea to meet up, yet I was the one choosing the date, choosing the location and choosing the time. Maybe your friend feels the same?

Yes. People who are drug addicts, not a penny to their name, no home, will find £40 and what they need and go through any weather to get there. They'd walk for 4 hours in hail.

So Mary can find train fare and time to see you, yes.

Are you suggesting any dates? Or are you just throwing out the idea like she is? Maybe she thinks the same as you and has been waiting for you to suggest a date.
Or maybe she is so worn down from a busy life that she doesn't know where she could fit in a weekend away. I have had times like that when I was working FT with primary school age children. Weekends were full of their activities and catching up on house work.

I think OP is referring to those who can. If people would like to but know for whatever reason it won’t be possible it would be better all round if they just said so.

But yes, I agree. If people want to do something (and have the means) they will do it

@user0345437398 knows some fit and healthy drug addicts who are up for walking 4 hours in hail to get £40. Round our way they just rob people

I’m not driven by addiction so I’m not going to rob anything or anyone or sell my body to dirty pervs just to find money to visit someone. bless the drug addicts and their dedication to their cause though 🙄

What a ridiculous thing to say.

I've worked with drug addicts in the past. By the time they're at that stage, they have absolutely nothing else in their lives. No other priorities and no other commitments or responsibilities. That is their sole focus.

And I can tell you what they wouldn't be able to do whilst walking 4 hours to find £40 - also find time to fit in visiting a friend.

Yes they would.

Only if they thought that friend might have £40.