To wonder if my daughter is normal…

HappinessLasts · 2025-10-10T21:20:32+00:00

I absolutely adore DD, but find her character really interesting. She can be so challenging at times, but also so loving and very creative in all that she does. She is 10 and is my 2nd child. Im going to describe her as best I can in a few paragraphs. At school, she is well behaved and compliant. In fact, she gets quite bothered by people who aren’t working hard. On that note, in her free time she is very self motivated, and can learn absolutely anything with a YouTube tutorial. It must be things of her own choosing and I can’t get involved. If something is someone else’s idea, this will put her off choosing that option. For instance, if she wad choosing a cake for her birthday, and someone said “this one looks nice”, whilst pointing to one, she then wouldn’t be able to choose that one. She makes friends very easily, and little children adore her, but she gets really overwhelmed if these people become clingy and they aren’t one of her favourites. She doesn’t like it when people she knows well look different to normal - if I had my hair restyled, did my makeup differently, or something like that, it would cause her distress. Her emotions are of the extreme, and she can still have the occasional outburst. However, she is very affectionate and kind hearted. For example, she gives me a cuddly toy for me to take to bed every night. She has a huge imagination and writes loads of stories in her spare time. However she can’t handle anything remotely scary. Certain facial expressions - like me having my eyes wide open with a surprised expression causes her distress. No reason behind this, although I think it might be linked to her not liking me looking different to my most common expressions. She is funny, has a great sense of humour, and loves to make people laugh. She would stand at the centre of any room and speak confidently to any audience. I find her personality and quirks interesting. She is just so different to me. She has been a more challenging child to raise than my eldest, who is more similar to me in certain regards. I feel like understanding her has been and continues to be a challenge, as I feel like I’m navigating through a maze and I don’t know what’s around the next corner. Can anyone relate? Are these traits what we would call “normal”?

Original poster

HappinessLasts · 10/10/2025 22:24

Sorry - I’ve just re-read my post and realised how awful the word normal sounds here. I totally know that no two children are the same. I have just found DD particularly challenging, as I feel like I can’t parent her due to her nature. I suppose I was wondering if these traits are normal, more so than wondering if DD is normal.

OP posts:

Original poster

HappinessLasts · 10/10/2025 22:32

Also, in school she presents much differently from home. They would be shocked to see her outbursts. But I have been reassured this is perfectly normal, as home is a child’s safe space.

OP posts:

MyCatPrefersPeaches · 10/10/2025 22:32

With the caveat that I’m no psychologist, she sounds as though she may be neurodivergent to me. She sounds absolutely wonderful!

There’s something about her independence and autonomy, and not being able to choose something if someone tries to direct her, that makes me think of demand avoidance. Have you read anything about autism in girls? It may well not be - but you might find it interesting to read about it and see if any of it resonates.

Would you say these quirks cause her difficulties? You say about finding her challenging and I totally understand, but do you get the impression that she finds everyday life (in particular school) challenging?

Cynic17 · 10/10/2025 22:36

How on earth do you define "normal", OP? We're all different - imagine how boring it would be if we were all the same!
Your daughter has her own distinctive personality - good for her. She may not confirm to what you consider "normal", but so what? She is herself - just as you are yourself.

Hacklicker · 10/10/2025 22:37

The things you say about not being able to choose an option that someone else has recommended, or that you can't direct her to certain tutorial etc, are things I experience as a result of my ADHD (formally diagnosed etc.). For me, any kind of suggestion about what I should do or might like feels like intolerable pressure to
'perform' in a way other people expect, and it sends my brain into shutdown.

I am absolutely not suggesting your daughter has ADHD, it is so far from my place (or anyone other than an expert) to diagnose - just saying there is a wide spectrum of ways in which people's brains can be wired, and those are traits I recognise!

It's a double edged sword for me - it makes me prickly and difficult, which I don't like, but also very resistant to peer pressure or being led, which is a kind of strength of character.

vincettenoir · 10/10/2025 22:38

I think a lot of this sounds pretty common, including the extreme emotions. My dd has real highs and lows. I think it’s also quite common to be contrary and not want to choose what others suggest. The one thing that makes me pause is what you described about her not liking people changing their hair or their look. That’s not something I’ve encountered before and I think that’s unusual.

Orpheya · 10/10/2025 22:41

She is NT , not ND. She sounds HSP - highly sensitive person which 30% of the NT brains are.

KittytheHare · 10/10/2025 22:41

You are clearly asking if your daughter is neurodivergent. So why not just ask this directly? She sounds lovely and yes quite possibly ND. I’m glad you corrected yourself on the word “normal”.

Toofficeornot · 10/10/2025 23:01

I have two children raised the same, same dad. They are like chalk and cheese. If one likes black tbe other likes white, one sporty and hates science, one into science and hates sport. One likes cheese, the other likes ham. One eats potato not pasta, the other eats pasta not potato. One is outgoing, the other shy. Its literally everything to the minute detail they are the opposite.
I think your daughter sounds normal to me, not every quirk means neurodiversity as some people bave suggested. (Mine are both ND). But a lot of their character is just their character, not everyone has to like loud noises or lots of people, i don't think this necessarily means ND. Just that people are different and it can feel strange when your child is different from you, especially if you have had a first child that is similar to you.

Ablondiebutagoody · 10/10/2025 23:22

Sounds pretty normal to me

Nn9011 · 10/10/2025 23:30

I would look up how ADHD and Autism present in young girls and consider if she sounds like she meets the criteria. She sounds very like me as a kid and I'm late diagnosed.

One of the difficulties with behaviours in school Vs home is that at school it's like she has a straight jacket on, subconsciously she is holding herself tightly in order to cope with the sensory overwhelm and balancing act of emotions so when she gets home it's like someone has shaken a bottle of pepsi and her emotions fizz out because home is a safe space for them to do so.

The not liking being told to pick something can be a pathological demand avoidance. This is a diagnosis in itself but coupled with special interests and not liking when someone looks different it sounds potentially like autism.

I'd recommend having a wee read of this - https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/identity/autistic-women-and-girls

Nn9011 · 10/10/2025 23:30

I would look up how ADHD and Autism present in young girls and consider if she sounds like she meets the criteria. She sounds very like me as a kid and I'm late diagnosed.

One of the difficulties with behaviours in school Vs home is that at school it's like she has a straight jacket on, subconsciously she is holding herself tightly in order to cope with the sensory overwhelm and balancing act of emotions so when she gets home it's like someone has shaken a bottle of pepsi and her emotions fizz out because home is a safe space for them to do so.

The not liking being told to pick something can be a pathological demand avoidance. This is a diagnosis in itself but coupled with special interests and not liking when someone looks different it sounds potentially like autism.

I'd recommend having a wee read of this - https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/identity/autistic-women-and-girls

Autistic women and girls

More women and girls than ever before are discovering that they are autistic. Many had been missed or misdiagnosed due to outdated stereotypes about autism. But that is slowly changing.

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/identity/autistic-women-and-girls

Onceuponatimeinalandfaraway · 10/10/2025 23:41

Re her not liking changes in appearance could she have face blindness? In which case for example a different hair style or colour could make her not easily recognise even someone she knows well.

JJZ · 10/10/2025 23:43

Orpheya · 10/10/2025 22:41

She is NT , not ND. She sounds HSP - highly sensitive person which 30% of the NT brains are.

She sounds just like I was/am.

I’m NT.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 10/10/2025 23:46

Orpheya · 10/10/2025 22:41

She is NT , not ND. She sounds HSP - highly sensitive person which 30% of the NT brains are.

HSP has gone out of favour. It’s assumed now that these people are ND.

OP she sounds ADHD. My DD is, and that thing about choices is typical. Sometimes l think she is contrary on purpose, but it’s like mild PDA.

Good at school, difficult at home is classic.

Gowlett · 10/10/2025 23:51

My son is exactly like this. I sometimes wonder if he has ADHD, etc… He’s getting on fine, it’s causing him no issues, for now.

YankSplaining · 11/10/2025 00:08

Hacklicker · 10/10/2025 22:37

The things you say about not being able to choose an option that someone else has recommended, or that you can't direct her to certain tutorial etc, are things I experience as a result of my ADHD (formally diagnosed etc.). For me, any kind of suggestion about what I should do or might like feels like intolerable pressure to
'perform' in a way other people expect, and it sends my brain into shutdown.

I am absolutely not suggesting your daughter has ADHD, it is so far from my place (or anyone other than an expert) to diagnose - just saying there is a wide spectrum of ways in which people's brains can be wired, and those are traits I recognise!

It's a double edged sword for me - it makes me prickly and difficult, which I don't like, but also very resistant to peer pressure or being led, which is a kind of strength of character.

My daughters and I all have ADHD and I relate to what you’ve said here.

Belshels · 11/10/2025 04:58

Sounds very like my daughter, and diagnosed ADHD at 15, and ASD at 17. She is extremely individual, bright and with a v creative mind (writing, story telling, thinking outside the box, analysing in detail etc) but has a lot of overwhelm.
Definitely something to consider.

Pepsi4Eva · 11/10/2025 05:12

She sounds like she is an individual with her own personality and quirks like we all have. As a pp said, not every character 'difference' has to be a neuro diversity .

But please guard against thinking that because she is different to you she may not be 'normal'. What is normal anyway? Your older one is like you so you expect her to be as well? My mother used to tell me I wasn't 'normal'. Because growing up I was not like her- and interested in fashion, and parties and going out. Nor did I follow a career path she would have followed if she had the chance. She often told me I was not normal and I was weird. Even now if I say I don't want to attend a massive 'family reunion' (I bloody hate them due to a fair amount of abuse in the wider family) she will throw at me words like 'snob' 'anti social' 'probably autistic'. I try to not have much to do with her now.

realsavagelike · 11/10/2025 05:29

Hacklicker · 10/10/2025 22:37

The things you say about not being able to choose an option that someone else has recommended, or that you can't direct her to certain tutorial etc, are things I experience as a result of my ADHD (formally diagnosed etc.). For me, any kind of suggestion about what I should do or might like feels like intolerable pressure to
'perform' in a way other people expect, and it sends my brain into shutdown.

I am absolutely not suggesting your daughter has ADHD, it is so far from my place (or anyone other than an expert) to diagnose - just saying there is a wide spectrum of ways in which people's brains can be wired, and those are traits I recognise!

It's a double edged sword for me - it makes me prickly and difficult, which I don't like, but also very resistant to peer pressure or being led, which is a kind of strength of character.

I have ADHD too, and utterly get what you mean about being directed leading to being resistant to peer pressure. I'm sure that 95% of my hatred for Oasis is tied to the fact that when they first arrived on the scene, everyone was raving about how awesome they were and it put my back right up 😂

HelenaWaiting · 11/10/2025 05:39

MyCatPrefersPeaches · 10/10/2025 22:32

With the caveat that I’m no psychologist, she sounds as though she may be neurodivergent to me. She sounds absolutely wonderful!

There’s something about her independence and autonomy, and not being able to choose something if someone tries to direct her, that makes me think of demand avoidance. Have you read anything about autism in girls? It may well not be - but you might find it interesting to read about it and see if any of it resonates.

Would you say these quirks cause her difficulties? You say about finding her challenging and I totally understand, but do you get the impression that she finds everyday life (in particular school) challenging?

Please don't do this. You are absolutely not qualified to make these judgements.

Pepsi4Eva · 11/10/2025 05:46

Pepsi4Eva · 11/10/2025 05:12

She sounds like she is an individual with her own personality and quirks like we all have. As a pp said, not every character 'difference' has to be a neuro diversity .

But please guard against thinking that because she is different to you she may not be 'normal'. What is normal anyway? Your older one is like you so you expect her to be as well? My mother used to tell me I wasn't 'normal'. Because growing up I was not like her- and interested in fashion, and parties and going out. Nor did I follow a career path she would have followed if she had the chance. She often told me I was not normal and I was weird. Even now if I say I don't want to attend a massive 'family reunion' (I bloody hate them due to a fair amount of abuse in the wider family) she will throw at me words like 'snob' 'anti social' 'probably autistic'. I try to not have much to do with her now.

I'm going to quote myself to add- it's wonderful that you adore your DD and are happy to say that. I guess it's just your use of the word 'normal' and your thinking that elements of her character are odd enough to wonder if she is normal or not is just triggering for me - which is why i wrote my response which (like everyone) comes from my own experience- if that makes sense!

Sasssquatch · 11/10/2025 05:54

It feels that you are hinting or bread crumbing so people will say it sounds like neurodivergence.

the only thing I will say that if you have suspicions that the negative impact of her “quirks” is likely to adversely affect her as she gets older start the referral process now. It will likely be years before you are able to access an assessment (via the nhs) and the responsibility will very much be on you to seek out, explore and understand “first line support” as they call it, which is a essentially a list of websites and resources. Be proactive now.

LaurieFairyCake · 11/10/2025 06:48

Yep, HSP

CousinBob · 11/10/2025 07:21

Agree with Sasssquatch above. She may find life more challenging moving into adolescence and secondary school, so look into it now.