To wonder if my daughter is normal…

[HappinessLasts]

I absolutely adore DD, but find her character really interesting. She can be so challenging at times, but also so loving and very creative in all that she does. She is 10 and is my 2nd child.

Im going to describe her as best I can in a few paragraphs.

At school, she is well behaved and compliant. In fact, she gets quite bothered by people who aren’t working hard. On that note, in her free time she is very self motivated, and can learn absolutely anything with a YouTube tutorial. It must be things of her own choosing and I can’t get involved.

If something is someone else’s idea, this will put her off choosing that option. For instance, if she wad choosing a cake for her birthday, and someone said “this one looks nice”, whilst pointing to one, she then wouldn’t be able to choose that one.

She makes friends very easily, and little children adore her, but she gets really overwhelmed if these people become clingy and they aren’t one of her favourites. She doesn’t like it when people she knows well look different to normal - if I had my hair restyled, did my makeup differently, or something like that, it would cause her distress.

Her emotions are of the extreme, and she can still have the occasional outburst. However, she is very affectionate and kind hearted. For example, she gives me a cuddly toy for me to take to bed every night.

She has a huge imagination and writes loads of stories in her spare time. However she can’t handle anything remotely scary. Certain facial expressions - like me having my eyes wide open with a surprised expression causes her distress. No reason behind this, although I think it might be linked to her not liking me looking different to my most common expressions.

She is funny, has a great sense of humour, and loves to make people laugh. She would stand at the centre of any room and speak confidently to any audience.

I find her personality and quirks interesting. She is just so different to me. She has been a more challenging child to raise than my eldest, who is more similar to me in certain regards.

I feel like understanding her has been and continues to be a challenge, as I feel like I’m navigating through a maze and I don’t know what’s around the next corner.

Can anyone relate? Are these traits what we would call “normal”?

Sounds like a common presentation in autistic girls. She’s likely ND. She sounds fun!

I have known autistic kids to be like this

Once she hits teenage years, it could hit her like a train.

I agree with this because it's exactly what happened to my eldest son. He had loads of traits that were suggestive of ASD but he was a happy chappy, was an absolute doddle to parent and was doing well at school, so despite having teachers in his primary school raise it with me, I decided it wasn't worth pursuing. You expect the teenage years to be challenging, but DS1 was in absolute crisis. The world just crashed in on him. He received a diagnosis of ASD when he was 17. Obviously the diagnosis in itself didn't change anything, but it helped him to understand himself. His school was fairly supportive, even before the diagnosis, but I had to push hard for every accommodation, whereas if he had had a diagnosis in place, this would have been much easier. Just a snapshot of what it was like for us. I could honestly fill volumes!

I changed to YANBU as you know your child best, just probably haven't articulated the issue well

Have you posted this before? There was a very similar thread recently.

You clearly want to know if your Daughter is ND or not. The only way to find out is by having a formal Autism/ADHD assessment.

Sounds like my daughter who's under assessment for adhd.

She sounds similar to me at that age. Intelligent, imaginative and a little quirky. Fìfty years later, I think l could still be described in this way. My mother, who l love dearly, is a very different personality in many ways - highly intelligent but also non-imaginitive (her own word) and conventional in every way. She finds my perfect pitch intriguing but when I try to describe my synesthesia, she thinks it is a bit weird. She uses the word flamboyant to describe my dress sense and personality. I know she thinks l am more than a little eccentric.

The end of primary schoo is also when adolescence is beginning; even when there are no outward physical signs, there are often emotional changes taking place. This very often leads to huge fears, which seem irrational to adults but are all too real to older children. It is a normal stage of development but I remember it well. Perhaps this is what ìs happening to your daughter. I know that getting diagnoses for different neurodiversities is very much the thing àt the moment. Obviously, for many people it is necessary but I think we sometimes leap to thinking something is a condition rather than accepting that quirks of personality are part of what makes each of us unique. Unless there are major concerns about how your daughter is coping with life, l think l would leave well alone for the time being while being quietly watchful. I have realised in later life that I have mild dyspraxia but have to never felt the need for a diagnosis. It is enough to know that this explains certain things.

*school

yes, my daughter is. She spent about 6 hours repeatedly asking me to take my hair extensions out, after I had them fitted.

Sounds like a touch of the ol' "Neuro-D" to me. But she also just sounds like a quirky character, which... isn't everyone really?!

I changed to YANBU as you know your child best, just probably haven't articulated the issue well

My eldest is very similar yto your daughter. She's 6. We think she has autism and adhd. She's been referred to CAMHs by the GP and school.

I’m not going to berate you for the use of the word normal- you have already addressed that! She sounds a lot like my daughters; one has ADHD and the other has ASD and ADHD. Well worth asking for a referral to see if that’s the case with your daughter. Both mine are usually ok at school (one has left, the other still there) but mask all the time and implode at home.

Your daughter sounds lovely. Why the need to label her? Do you think she needs more support in her daily life?

How about thinking that she’s just who she is without labelling her?

Oh, I see the 'label' brigade have turned up.

Yes hi 👋

As I said, she sounds exactly like i was as a child and I'm NT.
Well, I say that...I think I've many ND traits but I'm not bothering with an assessment as a diagnosis wouldn't mean anything. Ive found my ways of successfully navigating the world and I think that is at the crux of a lot of ND discourse....the actual impact is has on you. It would be offensive to me to have a diagnosis and be seen the 'same' as people who are crippled with ND and will never life a life without significant support....

Yeah I actually did read the whole thing, and OP’s second post. I still don’t think it’s very nice to read.

Are you so flippant about other professional diagnoses? Or just the ones for neurodivergence?

Brilliantly put.
The child is lucky to live "nowadays".
I'm 46 years old and the result of being similar to this girl when a kid is myself being no contact with nearly everyone in my country of origin.
No regrets, though.
Yes, the kid is normal.
And rather special!

It sounds like she has some autistic traits and masks well. If she is reasonably happy and managing well outside the home, there is no need to diagnose. You sound like you know how to manage her and bring the best out of her. I would not be concerned at this stage, but if you find her behaviour becomes harder to manage in her teens, then I think you have enough to seek support and a diagnosis.

She sounds great, and not typical/average.
Glad you recognise that "normal" isn't a helpful word.
You might find it useful to read up on neurodivergence, including demand avoidance.

Sounds like a fairly typical 10 year old to me. IME, most:

• Are better behaved at school than at home.
• Watch YouTube to learn things.
• Start asserting their own preferences and can sometimes become contrary if they feel others are suggesting to, or guiding, them.
• Make friends easily but aren’t keen on people clinging to them. As above, they start to assert independence.
• Have the odd outburst at home but are still very loving and can be more childlike at times (wanting cuddles etc)
• Have a strong imagination and will be creative: writing, drawing, building or still playing imaginary games with figures etc.
• Are different to their siblings, in both behaviour and preferences, either naturally or to assert independence (see above).

Distress at a change of appearance or expression may be not be so typical. But depends what’s meant by ‘distress’. If it’s an eye-roll and OTT: “mum, what have you done to your hair”, could be beginnings of teenage parent-cringe. If she bursts into tears and shakes uncontrollably, could be something more atypical.

Also depends on how and why you had your eyes wide open in a surprised expression. Was it because you were shocked at something and she was anxious about what was happening rather than your expression, e.g. were you surprised to find a spider and she was scared of the spider?

Most parents feel they’re navigating a maze without a map or manual. Keeps things exciting! All parents worry about their kids. It’s natural. But looks like you have no cause for concern. IME you have to simply adapt to who they are and what they prefer, while of course setting expectations about acceptable behaviour. They’re all different.