To say no to my friend?

[NotBraveSoul]

Hi all,

I’m feeling really guilty about this, but I don’t think I’m being unreasonable.

My best friend is a single mum, and we both live in the same city. This evening, there’s an event that’s very important to her, about a 15-minute drive from our hometown.

I’m currently staying at my parents’ house in our hometown. My mum had a heart attack two months ago and has since had four angioplasties, including one just this past Monday. She was discharged on Wednesday but is still very weak and feeling unwell. I’m here to help out and offer moral support.

Last week, my friend asked if I could babysit her two young children at my parents’ house so she could go to her event. My parents did this once before, even though they don’t know the children very well. I felt bad, but I said no, knowing how unwell my mum was, even before her fourth emergency angioplasty.

Today, my friend messaged again because her babysitter has fallen through and she has no other option. Basically no extended family either.

I feel awful, but I think I have to put my mum first and say no. She doesn’t need the stress of having two young kids around while she’s recovering.

(In case you’re wondering, my mum doesn’t know my friend has asked. I suspect if I tell her she will feel so bad for my friend she will very reluctantly say yes. I don’t want to burden her with any sense of guilt.)

YANBU

If your friend knows your mum is ill then she is being very, very unreasonable.

No, absolutely stay firm on this: you are there to care for your mum, who is really ill. You cannot safely look after young children as well. Just shut it down totally. Don’t even talk about the noise etc disrupting your mum - be very blunt and matter of fact, you cannot safely look after all 3 of them.

She’s being incredibly inconsiderate of your mum! Her peaceful recovery is more important than your mate’s childcare issues. I’d be very annoyed at being asked a second time.

Is your mum living alone, or is your dad with her?

Where is your friend staying for the event? Is there any way you could go to your friends property so not to disturb your mum.

Of course you're not being unreasonable OP! This isn't you not wanting to help, you genuinely can't help. This is one of those situations where there's just no way for everyone to get what they want/need and your mum's health must absolutely be the priority. I realise your friend is in a crappy position but she's actually out of order here for putting any extra stress on you when your mum has just had a heart attack, I'd be a bit disappointed in her tbh. I hope your mum will be ok and please don't forget to look after yourself in all this, starting with giving your friend a categorical 'no' and dropping any associated guilt, you can't help and that's that

Agree. say no then ignore any further messages

YANBU at all, your friend is being selfish and thoughtless. I wonder if she booked the event on the assumption you would babysit again.

My parents did this once before, even though they don’t know the children very well.

When you say your parents did this, do you mean your parents babysat her kids without you there?

Is that why your friend thinks you should do it, despite your mum's operation, because you will be there this time?

Regardless, she is being a terrible friend.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I really appreciate it.

@ItsOnlyHobnobs The idea was my friend would come back to my parents house and stay the night with the kids.

@nomas Yes, it was just my parents. Not that long ago, only a couple of days before the initial heart attack.

@Gasbox Thank you. You are very kind. It’s been an emotional rollercoaster. I wish I could help, I just think I need to protect my mother. I feel desperately sorry for my friend though.

You have already said no once, she’s being very rude to ask again. Don’t do it

So your friend is going to be staying at your parents home? And the kids were going to be staying there too? She was going to collect them from the babysitter after the event and return to your parents home?

You're genuinely not in a position to help because your mum is too ill. Babysitters fall through sometimes, the parent needs to cancel her plans if she can't find alternatives.

I never cease to be amazed by what people on MN consider to be 'friendship'! Your mother is your priority, stop feeling guilty!

I would ask your 'friend' to show a little compassion for a very unwell woman (while thinking "Get stuffed you selfish, self-centred cow).

Your mum is ‘weak and unwell’. The answer is no.

She initially asked if I could take care of her kids at my parents house and if she could stay the night after the event. This is what happened last time.

When I said no, she was able to find someone to look after them at her house. In this scenario, I’m not sure what her plans were for where she’d be staying or whether she’d just drive straight back.

There are numerous paid babysitting services available if she's that desperate to go.

It's not your job to fix it for her.

Of course YANBU. Your friend is a cheeky cow for asking at all under the circumstances. Asking a second time is incredibly rude and she would’ve got a mouthful from me.

I hope your poor mum feels better soon.

Do you really think she had arranged another sitter after you previously said no? I would be really pissed off if my friend knew what my mum had just gone through and asked for the kids and or her to be able to stay let alone not dropping it.

Your friend should never have put you in this position though OP, a true friend wouldn't be using up your precious mental and emotional energy at a time like this. I hope you can find a way to put this to bed and file it in your mind as 'can't help, nothing I can do' so you can focus on your own situation, you have enough on your plate

She can pay a babysitter if it's important enough. Her children. Her responsibility.

She needs to find someone to babysit them at her own house.

@NotBraveSoul
Don’t overthink this. There’s no way I would babysit a friend’s children overnight in my unwell parents’ home, unless a completely unforeseen accident had happened. Someone would have had to be in hospital for me to consider this.

Right now your priority is your mum, not your friend's social life.

What an ask! For the kids and her to stay overnight!! Sooo cheeky even if everything is good and no one ill. The washing alone. Unbelievable.

I have been a lone parent (no local support) following DH's suddenly death and I understand how difficult (impossible) it can be to do anything due to child care. Just getting through school holidays was an expensive nightmare. But that was my problem and the hand life dealt me. Absolutely no way would I have considered asking a friend in your circumstances to do what your friend is asking. Not only is it totally unreasonable to think your mum could manage this, it is putting extra stress on you at a time when you do not have the emotional space. Please do not feel guilty, just message your friend that (maybe she has not understood) how unwell your mum is, thus is understandably is not possible for the foreseeable future. Do not apologise, this is just fact and if she does not get this she is very self-centred. I Hope things look better for you and your mum soon.

No as your mum is ill, just say its too much for her atm to have people in the house and the caring duties for her mean you could not commit to safely caring for two children at the same time.