To say no to my friend?

[NotBraveSoul]

Hi all,

I’m feeling really guilty about this, but I don’t think I’m being unreasonable.

My best friend is a single mum, and we both live in the same city. This evening, there’s an event that’s very important to her, about a 15-minute drive from our hometown.

I’m currently staying at my parents’ house in our hometown. My mum had a heart attack two months ago and has since had four angioplasties, including one just this past Monday. She was discharged on Wednesday but is still very weak and feeling unwell. I’m here to help out and offer moral support.

Last week, my friend asked if I could babysit her two young children at my parents’ house so she could go to her event. My parents did this once before, even though they don’t know the children very well. I felt bad, but I said no, knowing how unwell my mum was, even before her fourth emergency angioplasty.

Today, my friend messaged again because her babysitter has fallen through and she has no other option. Basically no extended family either.

I feel awful, but I think I have to put my mum first and say no. She doesn’t need the stress of having two young kids around while she’s recovering.

(In case you’re wondering, my mum doesn’t know my friend has asked. I suspect if I tell her she will feel so bad for my friend she will very reluctantly say yes. I don’t want to burden her with any sense of guilt.)

What everyone else says. Surely your Mum should keep her circle small to avoid being exposed to potential viruses too?

She’s being really cheeky asking this. You need to shut it down. Just say that you wish you could help but you cannot endanger your mum’s health to do so. If she keeps pushing I think it’s best to ignore any further messages from her. I’m astonished she’s dared to ask in your situation

She is being INCREDIBLY rude to ask even once considering what your mum is going through (assuming she knows the extent of it), but twice, is extreme CF behaviour.
She needs to find a paid for babysitting service that can help. There are plenty about.

I can't believe she asked you.

I must say I am always happy for a friend or acquaintance even to request help from me; it secretly gives me a warm glow that they think of me as someone who is generous.

However if I say no (and I only do if it really doesn't work for me) and they then try to talk me round, well it really bothers me. I would be quite put out.

Has she no other friends?

It would be really unwise to bring any children to your mother's as the risk of infection in the aftermath of serious illness could be very dangerous to her.

Sorry ‘friend’, my mums only just out of hospital and is still very poorly, so the answer is still no’.

The only person being unreasonable is your friend. She knows your mum is unwell, yet she doesnt give a shit only about her event. I wouldnt even babysit for her in the future after this.

I can’t actually believe your friend had the audacity to ask for her children to be looked after at your parents house, when your mum is unwell. The event (a concert?) may be important to her, but to put it frankly, that’s not your problem. Your mum comes first.

Don’t feel guilty. You’ve done nothing wrong in refusing her request.

Yanbu the last thing your mum needs is kids running around and screaming and crying. Shes recovering and needs to rest in a relaxing environment. Don't feel guilty about putting your mums needs ahead of your friends wants.

If it were my best friend (who is a lovely person has helped me out many a time), and the event was so very important to her, I would go over to her house to babysit. Assuming your Dad is at home to take care of your Mum.

Don't feel bad! You said no for good reason, and she was extremely rude to ask a second time.

I think much depends on how long the event is, how well behaved the kids are and if they get on with your mum, and if your mum would find them being there fun or stressful. An overnight is obviously out of the question in these circumstances. I guess what the event is matters a bit too - like is it something truly once in a life time (funeral etc.) or a gig she’d just really like to go to.

Sorry but they don't sound like a very good friend if they know your mum has only just been discharged from hospital and are still asking you to babysit. It sounds like the friendship is very one sided.

Yanbu. Your mums unwell which she's not been considerate of which is really rude.

Your mother should be your top priority right now. She shouldn't have any stress this close to her heart attack. If God forbids, something happens to her, how are you going to manage looking after your mum and the kids?! Just say no.

What a bloody nerve.

Just say no and do it straight away so she has plans to make other arrangements if possible.

Who on earth has voted YABU????

Another one who cannot believe she asked you! I would never even consider asking a friend in your position this. Of course your mum's heart attack trumps whatever event this is. Frankly I'd be reconsidering the friendship, this is not what a friend does.

Thank you everyone for your replies. They’re much appreciated. I really don’t feel guilty now.

My question too, @RockyRogue1001!

@NotBraveSoul - you are not being unreasonable in the slightest, but your friend definitely is!

It's hard not to feel guilty, but there really is no need. If she's a friend worth keeping, she'll understand.