Rich friends/ poor friends

[TakeMyAdvice]

Husband and I have a group of long standing friends( over 30years).We are mid 60s as are our friends
The group has changed over the years through break ups,new partners, bereavement etc

There are 11 of us.
We were all on a similar income bracket when younger.
We ve had holidays, weekends, days and nights out socially together on a regular basis for years.
We are all retired apart from 1 single lady who still works full time professional.
My husband and I retired on a public pension a few years ago.
I m aware we are very fortunate to have been able to do this.(We both worked full time in extremely stressful jobs since school leavers, puting ourselves through secondary education whilst we had young children to further our careers;taking unpaid leave to obtain required qualifications for our jobs).
I feel we are entitled to our private pension and early retirement. We are not yet claiming state pension.
Everyone else in the group also retired early and are on private pension ,full fund claimed and invested ( draw down).
They are all very much better off financially than us now.
In the past when we socialised we would meet in local pubs ,have a kitty.
If we went for a meal it would be midweek " deal", still nice places though.
Holidays or weekends would be reasonable budget.We d keep the costs down.
The past couple of years has changed everything.
Now we go to wine or cocktail bars in the town centre. Dinners are in quite fancy restaurants, no more " coupons" or " meal deals".No more " kitty" for drinks, but rounds of drinks, everyone takes a turn ,so not saying they don t. We didn t go on holiday with them this year.A cheap winter break was an all inclusive cruise.
The last time we met up ( 3 weeks ago).
We met up for 4 hours ; had drinks and some tapas.
Hubbie told me when we got home we spent £150 for an afternoon out.
We were home by 6pm and hadn t even had dinner.
We ve been asked out again next weekend.
I just don t want to go.Hubbie thinks we ll allienate ourselves if we keep declining invites.
We simply don t have the budget for it.I did speak up last Christmas when the " girls chat- whatsapp" suggested upping the budget for the Christmas gifts.
I said "we spend enough as it is off our meagre income on family gifts", but I made it a " lol", with a laughing emoji, then when they suggested a cocktail bar for the night out ,we didn t go ( made an excuse).I meet up regularly with some of the ladies for coffee.
I ve listened whilst they talk of the interest they earn being a great monthly income on top of their draw down.One said she finds it hard to spend.
I don t want to say anything as I know they ll all agree we ve to either not pay or pay what we can afford and we wouldn t want that.
We do have other friends we see.
We still go regularly to our local pub , we still go to the pics, go for meals and have regular takeaways.We re not skint.
We still have a good social life.Lately I ve really questioned my friendship within this group.We ve lied we re busy re some invitations and short notice cancelled a couple of times.We ve only met up with them 3 times this year.
I feel we are alienating ourselves by choice.My husband is more than happy to follow my lead on whatever I suggest re our social life, so sometimes I just don t tell him about arrangements
AIBU???
Whats everyone's thoughts on this???
TIA

You need to tell them. Just breezily say - we can't afford that - can we go to such and such instead. Weve been there lots and had a lovely time. Or say - we can't stretch to dinner but let's do coffee and cake at this great independent coffee shop I know of.

For 11 people you all seem to do so much together - holidays, cocktails, Xmas gifts, pubs, midweek meals, dinners, weekends away!

Maybe just cut back on the shear number of times you all see each other, which will save on costs.

They are not mind readers and they don't have access to your financial records.

Why aren't you making arrangements and doing the inviting?

I am often the organiser which I would rather not be but it's very annoying when people come back saying "no, that doesn't suit, can we have a different location, price or whatever" I now make it as clear as I can "hi, I've booked this place just so we have something organised. If anyone isn't keen, go ahead and book something else and I can cancel once I've given two days notice" Then when the inevitable objections or suggestions come I say on repeat "no problem if you want to book something else"

As a pp said, they're not mind readers. They don't know why you're declining invitations unless you tell them. It's completely irrelevant why your financial situations are different now. You just need to tell them.

I think next time you do the arranging. Suggest somewhere within your budget.

Then decline the more expensive things that you are asked to do. It’s ok that you can’t afford it or don’t want to spend your money that way.

could you do more things at home and rotate

my dh and I went once with a group for a meal. Never again, it was so expensive and some people ordered loads then split the bill

we do still see them though

Just say you can't afford it! In my friendship groups, we'd then either be doing something free (like hanging out at someone's house watching horror movies), or doing something cheap, like a walk and a coffee! If you always hang out as a group, it has to be something that is affordable for everyone. But we're all in our 30's with very standard jobs like nursing, teaching, etc, so none of us would ever be dropping £150 on an afternoon out anyway 😂

People are free to form their own sub groups and do a few of the more expensive things separately. I'd never knowingly book anything if I knew someone couldn't afford it. I'd rather us just all be together.

I feel we are alienating ourselves by choice

You are. If these are true friends, you need to be honest with them.

I come from a very working class background but now work in the City in financial services so I have a real mixture of old friends from school/home and friends I’ve made in later years which means a huge difference in finances/lifestyles between my various friends as well as me (I sit somewhere in the middle - not struggling but not earning millions either).

There are times when I have to say no to uber-wealthy friends and I’m honest with them and say that I just don’t have that amount of money available to me and can we find a compromise or I’ll sit this one out but maybe next time we can try x (something much cheaper). And with my less cashed-up friends, we plan something free or cheap that we will all still enjoy and sometimes I treat them to something but call it a birthday present or whatever.

It’s actually pretty straightforward. You just have to be open with people and let them be open with you. These are your friends right? You should be able to talk to them.

You’ve known these people for thirty years, and nobody seems coy talking about money, you should be close enough to tell them that you can’t afford to do all these things all the time and suggest going back to “the old days” every so often and doing a deal restaurant or a home dinner party. You can say you’ve been doing some financial planning for the long term and are reallocating funds into different pots, and being prudent about what you have available for social spending.

My social group ranges from genuine multi millionaires to very average earners and freelancers with unpredictable incomes, nobody wants anyone to be left out or feel they have to decline invitations, everyone feels able to speak up if something is too pricey for their budget and suggest an alternative, which is welcomed. That’s how long term friendship works.

Not your question at all, but that sounds like such a lovely retirement in (I assume) good health, with a husband you like and 11 friends in the same position fun activities together. Fantastic.

Sounds like you've earned it, congrats on a job well done !

Seems like it's worth holding onto. Maybe just find a gentle way to speak to a couple of closer friends out of the group, suggest you might not join for the more expensive activites for that reason then make some cheaper suggestions of your own so you keep in touch?

There's nothing to get offended with there as you're not asking them to change their plans for you, and you've made it clear you still want to join and value their friendship.

Hi
Just an indication of the socialisong we do together and this has been over many,many years.Not all of us attend every occassion ,1 reason or another.
Yes we are very lucky and it is a nice retirement
We meet up prob monthly to 6 weekly,several times a year, there are things going on.

Honesty is your friend. Out of the 11 friends there will be a sliding scale of income. Not all of them will be rolling in money.

I would just send a message next time a fancy restaurant is suggested saying you’ll sit this one out as it’s out of your budget but also suggest something that is in budget at a later date. Maybe host a meal where everyone brings a dish or something similar? It’s on you to suggest things that you can afford and make it clear that you certainly don’t want to stop everyone else going to more expensive places but you might not manage these.

Old friends would prefer to know the truth. They might be wondering if you have stopped liking them.

Just be honest

"Budget won't stretch to [expensive dinner etc] - but would love to see you, anyone fancy a walk and a coffee on sunday?"

Initiate ideas for cheaper events and meet ups but it is difficult - ive been the other side of your situation. A friend made a decision to move to a much lower paid job and essentially wanted me to reduce my own lifestyle to match her reduced income, rather than accept we might do a few less things together.

You're not being unreasonable, but you can't expect them to change their plans/desires to suit you all the time. Just go to what you can afford!

Sums it up perfectly ☝️

How can they be true friends if you cant share that you cannot afford the same as them?

The minute a friend started saying how rich they are, they would be on the way to being an ex friend. And that would be regardless of how well off I was, in comparison to them. I think it is incredibly rude and boastful, plus it's not of interest to anyone else.
If they are trying to price you out of a social life with them, as it seems they are doing, they are not nice friends.

They’re long-standing friends who have never displayed overt judgement on your financial situation. They don’t necessarily know your situation and may think you’re in a similar situation to them. For the next invite, you could say something like “we’d love to attend but our budgets are quite tight generally so unfortunately can’t make this. Would anyone fancy (cheaper activity) next week/month!”

I would want my friends to speak up and say they would prefer to go somewhere more in their budget rather than just not turn up. Friendship is about getting together with people you like and I would hate for my friends to be missing out because of cost. Do you ever socialise round each others houses?

Agree with this 👆

Given the frequency that’s you’re all meeting up, not attending some events doesn’t sound like it’s going to be some massive social faux pas that will result in you being pushed out.

I earn more than my two best friends. I'll say 'fancy a day spa' they will say 'I'm broke...' and so we'll go for cheap noodles instead and I will book the day spa as a gift on their birthday or something ...

'fancy the pub?" 'no babes, Im broke... can I bring a bottle round yours" "sure, I'll get the snacks in"

No animosity. No bullshit. No less love!

We have a group of friends but don’t see them anywhere near as much as this. People with grandchildren aren’t available and others are on holiday etc but not with each other.

Of course incomes vary. We dumb down so people can afford the meal out. Never go to a cocktail lounge. We do go to each others houses and cook shared meals. Your social life sounds expensive. Are you all northern? Just never seen this where we live much further south. Time to be honest and pick the most suitable events on offer.

About 50% of the time my friends ask me to do something I reply saying I'm potless/fiscally challenged.

There's no shame in it. Tell them the places you can afford to go, and suggest that. But sometimes if it's a dearer place just go less often and order less.

I'm really surprised at how frequently a group of 11 from so long ago are meeting up. So of course it's ok to not always go.

But you should still instigate things with them yourself that are affordable. Free museum then picnic in the park or whatever.

Why don't you say (outside a specific meeting invite as then they'll just chance that one) something along the lines of your finances mean that you can't afford meeting at the same places you used to, you're absolutely fine with that as it was a conscious choice and you don't want everyone to change arrangements or feel awkward about it, but you didn't want them to think you were avoiding them. And say you'd like to still join occasionally and dont want them to change usual arrangemens for you . But for this month invite them to a BYOB curry place for a change