My 17yo Niece is temporarily moving in with me

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I’ve just been asked by her mum (my SIL) to temporarily have my 17yo step-niece to stay. She needs a safe place as father who has alcohol issues has become erratic. She is a quiet, goth-type animal lover who I think needs a gentle hand and some female support. I’m actually v flattered that she’s asked and am hoping I can attempt to be the supportive female role model that I needed at her age.

I don’t have children of my own, so the parenting thing is pretty much alien to me. I live on my own, with my dog, am self employed but travel a bit (so she’d be on her own some nights).

Any advice from seasoned teen parents/carers on how I can make this a positive and empowering experience for us both? But still take care of boundaries/house rules etc.

Sorry, I didn’t mean to post this in AIBU. I guess it won’t hurt the traffic aspect though!

How about the poor lass stays in her home and her father (your brother/BIL?) stays with relatives instead. I could not support this.

Get to know her, find out what she likes, how she wants to spend her time, how she would like things arranged. Does she like to have lots of space or would she prefer to hang out with you, what she likes to eat, what support she needs, is she independent?
Treat her like an adult but don't always expect her to behave like one.
And be kind, sounds like she could do with being looked after if things have been difficult at home.

That’s kind of you. Is she at college or school? Check for food requirements and preferences. Make sure she has clothes/toiletries/sanitary protection and transport to wherever she needs to be. The emotional side might be a bit trickier given the circumstances, but if you have a warm and friendly attitude towards her, then she will hopefully feel safe enough to talk about things if she needs to. Just keep checking in and chatting. but do not be worried if she spends a lot of time in her room.

Show kindness, eg offer to cook for her if you making yourself something. Pick up little treats, eg bath bomb or whatever she likes (you’ll have to wok that out). Hopefully she’ll bond with the dog (if she is an animal lover) and might be good to give her some dog walking responsibility. Try and treat her like an adult as far as possible.

Just be her aunty and remember she needs a bit of extra tlc at the moment. Like the advice treat her like an adult but don’t expect her to behave like one. Perhaps a few dog walks together, pizza nights etc. make her feel like the dog loves her, so she feels special.

Be open to her wanting to talk about the problems at home if she wants to but don’t press it.

Definitely use the dog as leverage if she likes animals. Walk him together, play with him (animals are so therapeutic when you have been through something bad).
Give her the freedom she deserves for her age, but if she wants to bring friends home, make sure you know who they are etc, and absolutely no smoking/weed/vaping etc.
Make sure any college work gets done and all meals are healthy.

What a lovely thing of you to do, I’m sure she will appreciate it at the minute as she’s probably well aware of what’s going on at home, just be there for her and let her know she’s loved and welcome in your home.

I'd aim to try to be an aunt/friend, rather than parent

Bravo that you're doing this

Encourage her to see her friends especially if she is a distance from school now. In my experience once a teenager disengages from their friendship group they can be very anxious about reaching out to them to rejoin. However she may not want them to know what is going on at home so you may need to drop off and pick up if the bus isn’t available.

Poor girl, glad she has you on her side.

This is such a nice thing you are doing. She is a young woman not really a child and you are her aunty, so I guess treat her like a young woman having a bit of upheaval. I would mostly want to make sure she has the day to day things she needs for work or college, and lifts if needed. Food she is used to, things that make her feel at home and in control a bit. It sounds like it’s got out of hand with her dad and she needs a bit of an oasis of calm.
As a pp said, she will probably want to rant about her family and you can promise to take it to the grave, so she can get it off her chest. That would be very kind.

I think food is important, find out her likes and dislikes and be prepared to cater to what she's used to eating. No idea what her usual diet is like but this isn't the time to be encouraging new tastes or a better diet.
Find some shows you can watch together.

Superb advice. When found in a similar position I bought a mini fridge and kettle and microwave so they had enough space to do their thing, without the feeling of having to share/interact with anyone. I made it clear that it was fine to text me even if I was just downstairs. They had their own space but it took the pressure off.

I'd say think about YOUR boundaries and needs - and tell her what they are to enable Harmony.

It's a kind thing to open your home to another - especially a teen - so start as you mean to go on, be clear about your expectations and speak up immediately if something is irritating you.

I assume you will be compensated financially - again, be sure it's clear and concise on both sides what is what.

Good luck!

Also meant I could pop treats/snack stash in their fridge.

Why does she have to leave her home (although I’m sure you’re lovely) when it is really the erratic alcoholic who should be asked to leave?

To those asking why her dad hasn’t been kicked out; She lives with her dad and her step mum, which worked well for a few years. Tonight is the first I’ve heard about him having an alcohol problem. Her mother (my SIL & DB) live in a very small house, 4 hours away with three kids. They’d make room for her there if she wanted it, but has requested to come and get some space in my nice quiet home (with her own bedroom).

I’m supporting her, not the situation

This is a great idea. She’s a keen cook, so we’ll go shopping on the way home and get a few bits she wants

Kinship can offer support and advice.

https://kinship.org.uk/

It’s more common than you think.

Unfortunately I think she has few friends. She’s ND and I think in the process of splitting up with her first love. I’m pretty certain she did the classic ‘drop all your friends when you get a boyfriend’ thing, so will encourage her to reach out to her friends from before he came along.

Thank you, I’ll take a look

This is really good advice re how much time she actually wants to spend with me. I’ll make sure we discuss these things