AIBU?? Partners abuse

[really14]

Hello. Don’t know where to start but I feel at a total loss if I’m honest and beside myself …

I’m 9 months post partum. Me and partner (now recent ex) have our own houses. We was in the process of sorting living together out but I pulled away from it due to his behaviour.

When I was pregnant he was just horrible if I’m honest. There was glimpses of niceness and support but never lasted long. He was cruel over anything. Example I got a parking ticket I was heavily pregnant and he told me I was a wanker, does the law not apply to me it was horrible. Told me the baby would have no life with a person like me. I went to mc Donald’s and he told me I ordered too much and a normal person wouldn’t eat that much. Just general cruel stuff all the time.

anyway. I do all the night feeds. Baby still doesn’t sleep through. I work from home with baby with me (I don’t mind I want him with me) I keep the house going everything. I also have 3 other children from a previous relationship. They are my world and love new baby.

he tells me I’m a shit lazy mum (even though I never stop as u can imagine) obviously this is my 4th baby and I did put some baby weight on admittedly. Before baby I was a size 10. I’m now a 12/14. He tells me if I got off my arse I’d lose weight? But I’d still be a wanker. He tells me my looks have faded he tells me I’m a loser and that our son will never have a normal good life with me. He tells me my daughters will end up slags like me and that I should start sucking d* for money. Honestly awful. It’s just relentless. And I’m drained. May I add when I let him he was just amazing.

hell do all this then he’ll tell me I’m the best mum ever. The love of his life. Don’t know which to believe anymore.
this is only a few examples. He’s just so so angry. Always flipping out. So I’ve not let him have our son now for weeks. He says he’s angry because not seeing our son affects him badly?? But this is WHY I can’t let him go.

he tells me I’m better off dead. He says it’s my mum and dad’s fault I’m how I am for raising a cunt. (My mum and dad are wonderful people and have been together since they were 16. They are now 65)

Ive began to hate myself. I hate my body. I hate my face. Don’t want to eat anymore so I’m skinny again. I’m exauhsted from from doing life on my own and him telling me how shit I am.

I can’t hand my baby over to an angry man. He threatens me with social services. You name it. He does anything and everything to scare me. I just don’t know what to do or where to go from here.
ive told my family and they are naive and don’t take it very serious. Just feel so alone I really do.

I try my best for the kids. I do nothing for myself and he tells me I’m a scummy mum and calls me a pram face.

what do I do :(

May i add im having panic attacks all the time im in a constant state of a mess i need some support

My goodness, you poor thing. You are right to hold back from moving in with him. He is as abusive as fuck and you should believe that over the lovey dovey shit he occasionally comes out with to placate you and keep you under his boot.

Please read back what you have written and imagine you've intercepted a message from one of your daughters to her best friend. What would you want her to do in that scenario? Do that. Please.

He's domestically abusing you - which he can do without living with you. His behaviour is off the scale appalling - get some help and know your rights: https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk

PS you're having panic attacks because your gut is telling you to get as far away from this man as possible and you're ignoring it. Lose the loser, the panic attacks will stop.

He is horrendous. What an absolute shit if a man.

Well done you for holding it all together so far.

This is awful abuse.

Never ever move in with him. He’s a nightmare.

Can you just keep him as your ex and keep away from him overall? Don’t let him in your house. At all.

I don’t let him in my house at all. I don’t even let him collect our son and have him. I just don’t trust his anger

Talk to everyone you can. Get it on record everywhere what an absolute bastard he is. Your health visitor, social services, the police, women's aid. Do this so you have their backing later on if he tries to get access via the courts.

And block him on abolutely everything. Cut off all contact from him. If he turns up or finds other means of contact, don't engage, call the police. Every time.

There is only one wanker in this scenario and IT IS NOT YOU.

Let him take you to court for visitation and then you can ask for supervised visits only due to his previous abuse, threats and anger issues. Keep a log of everything he does or says, only have contact through text or email so you've got proof of the abuse.

Don’t try and negotiate. Grey rock him and record everything/take notes. He can take you to court for access if he wants. Nasty abusive asshole. (My ex was like this, absolutely charming until I was pregnant. Narcissist through and through….now not seen or heard from him for 15 years)

You can't let him talk to you like this it's going to break you down. So that means blocking him on everything and calling the Police to.

Sorry to hear this. Well done for leaving him.

I would speak to the police and GP and document all this, as a first step.

Also do a Clare's law on him to see if he has done similar or worse to another woman.

And yes, you are absolutely right not to let him see your baby.

Has he made any threats?

Thankyou x
Hes made loads of threats. I’ve already done Claire’s law. He was charged with affray, threatening someone with an air rifle, breaking a window with his fist and for beating somebody with his fists. So it’s not just me he’s angry with. I told him I’ve done Claire’s law and he says it was 15 years ago so it doesn’t matter

I can’t emphasise this enough. STOP. Do not tell him what you know, do not try and negotiate. You are feeding him, he wants the attention however negative it is….just stop telling him anything.

report all harassment to the police on 101 so you have a record. Keep screen shots of messages and any recordings if you have them. Write down times and places and what happened if you can remember

The Claire law stuff maybe 15 years old but he has obviously not learnt from it.

I would block him on everything apart from a parenting app and would not let him have the child on his own. I would let him take me to court for access, then produce all the evidence to prove why you haven’t allowed full access

Block him and get a separate phone. That is his contact phone for your son only. My friend did this. She turned it on once during the week to arranged contact then had it on during contact as he was useless and used to drop their son off early (with an absolutely full nappy as he didn’t want to deal wit it). Ignore the nice guy act as it is only an act.

You need to block him on everything and stop all communication. Keep a log of all the threats/abuse you've received so far

Let him take you to court for access, which is doubt he will. If he does he will have a hard job due to his record and evidence of abuse you will be able to produce

I bet a week's wages if you do the above your panic attacks will stop and your MH will improve significantly. You can also call WA for advice and emotional support. Good luck

He doesn’t deserve another second of your time.

He's such a colossal, festering scumbag that I find it hard to believe that this only started when you were pregnant. I mean, what you're describing is the absolute pits in every sense and he barely sounds human. There must've been signs before. Why did you want to live with him and have his baby?

I'm so sorry for your situation OP, and that you feel so alone. I don't doubt your parents are lovely but I struggle to understand how they could not be taking it seriously - have you told them everything, I know sometimes it's hard? Do you have friends that you can talk to?

Thankyou x
my parents say it’s not their place to get involved which yes hurts me because if it was my daughter I wouldn’t be able to hold back. I don’t have any friends no. It’s just me and the kids really. Spent all day crying today really had enough and feel so low

Well stop crying and take some action and control. You've had some really good advice on this thread and links to agencies that can help. You have to take control of your situation or take the alternative which is to just stay as you are. The choice is yours but I hope you take the right one

You also have 4 children so you also have responsibility to them, not to let a violent abusive man in their lives

That sounds horrendous OP im so sorry you’re going through this. He has no right to speak to you that way.

Can i check- is the relationship over? Have you changed the locks and secured your home?

I would defo call women’s aid and let them know what’s been going on. They might have some suggestions. You can also let the police know.

I would say you are quite at risk, please seek help from women's aid/your GP/the police as previous posters have suggested.

You don't deserve this. Please let the professionals help you.